Helplessness

my uncle is dying... he's losing his body temperature, blood pressure and heart beat. I need to go back to Malaysia tmrw afternoon and will never see him again. am extremely sad and helpless right now.

Shadow of Death

I don't know how to describe my feelings now... seeing loved one dying day by day is more heart-piercing than anything. he could pass away anytime, sometimes he seems ok, sometimes got to be well prepared, our mood is like roller-coaster... basically, there's no hope that he will recover or wake up anyway... it's just how soon he will be leaving us... please pray for my mum's family. need God desperately. Thank you.

Church day

found a church in kl through facebook. never know there's a beautiful church building right beside the merdeka square, in the centre of the city. there are many services going on at the same time such as traditional service and iban service before the contemporary service. i love the beautiful architecture, as well as i can see the whole sultan abdul samad building right opposite. the people I've met, the sermon they preach, and the books they lend totally meet my needs. best thing is they offer great books for lending like C.S. Lewis, DA Carson, John Piper, John Bunyan, Jerry Bridges, J.I. Packer, John Stott... you know you're at the right place when you see these books... oh forgot to mention the books that i've read like Shining like stars, out of the salt shaker, Desiring God... I feel at home, for real. many people attend different services but the contemporary service that i attend is quite small, for around 20-30 people, which is a great size because you can't escape without being known to others.

St. Mary Anglican Church

A great song they sang this morning:

Never Alone

1. We’re not alone, for Christ is here
Immanuel our God come near
We’re not alone, for to our world
Jesus has come, eternal Word.
And as he speaks, our souls laid bare
Naked, ashamed, sin is made clear
And yet he clothes us in his love
Never alone, Christ is with us, is with us.

2. The longest walk, earth’s darkest day
The pressing crowd, his mounting pain.
A heavy load of grief and shame
Breathless that we should breathe again.
“Father forgive them,” comes his cry
Silence from God blackens the sky.
A creeping dread in every heart
Lost in the world now God departs, God departs.

3. The dawn will come, the sun will rise
Out of the grave we’ll see hope’s light.
Tomb opened wide, stone rolled away
Morning has come, a brand new day.
“He isn’t here,” the angel said.
“He is alive no longer dead.”
Our hearts are lifted, souls raised high
Christ is with us, Christ is our life, he’s our life.

4. Never alone, is now our cry
In joy, in grief, in lonely sin.
Never alone, for Christ is ours
He lives in us, we live in him.
And ’til we reach that final day
When fears are gone, cast far away
We'll live secure, trust in his love,
Never alone, Christ is with us, he’s with us.

Lyrics: © 2006 Simone Richardson
Music: © 2006 Philip Percival

What a Friend We Have in Jesus | Joseph M. Scriven

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
   All our sins and griefs to bear!
   What a privilege to carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
   Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
   Oh, what needless pain we bear,
   All because we do not carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
2. Have we trials and temptations?
   Is there trouble anywhere?
   We should never be discouraged—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Can we find a friend so faithful,
   Who will all our sorrows share?
   Jesus knows our every weakness;
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
3. Are we weak and heavy-laden,
   Cumbered with a load of care?
   Precious Savior, still our refuge—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
   Take it to the Lord in prayer!
   In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
   Thou wilt find a solace there.
4. Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
   Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
   May we ever, Lord, be bringing
   All to Thee in earnest prayer.
   Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
   There will be no need for prayer—
   Rapture, praise, and endless worship
   Will be our sweet portion there.

Prayer Request

Dad just informed me that doctor declared my uncle brain dead... unless miracle happens perhaps he will never wake up again... my grandparents, uncle, aunt and my parents are struggling with this fact... I don't know what to say but I can feel their pain as if my own pain. Yet I know I must be strong, because my parents need me, to support them physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. Can't do anything for ones that you love, is actually that painful... God have mercy on us, we deserve all suffering because we have turned away from you, but please, I beg You for your grace and mercy that is found in Jesus, forgive us and heal our pain. Please bring my family into eternal salvation, we cannot live without You. You are the God who works miracles...

God controls

believing in God, at the same time knowing that you're having many many friends and loved ones do not believe in God is scary. especially the chances of losing them is higher...

please pray, for my uncle who is lying in the hospital after a major stroke. pray for my mum and her family who are worrying and stressing themselves. pray for my dad who is looking after them, after recovered from dengue fever only a few days ago.

pain of helplessness is overwhelming. the sense of guilt is heavy. only the slight hope in the grace of God in Christ sheds a little light that sustains me on.

if you can, believe in God, and tell people about God. it's the only purpose in our lives.

Father, comfort me and take away my fears, knowing that you're in full control, the God full of grace and mercy. Forgive my family, who lose heart on you, forgive my grandparents, who worship idols. You are the God who works miracles. I believe in you.

Helplessness

First time realising how useless worry is. Dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday for dengue fever. Was more relax earlier thinking that it will soon be over, but now looking at his tired face and weak body, I'm starting to feel the seriousness about it. Thoughts came across like how if daddy is not here anymore? It's a scary thought... Such fear arises and haunting my weak spirit. I love my dad very much, and I hope that he will live on and give me another chance to love him more.

I have been eating my words, that even I got my car I never been to church and serve God. I don't know how related it is to the suffering my family has been going through, but certainly the weight of guilt is pounding on me.

'what a friend we have in jesus...' this song was playing in my radio. Such surpassing comfort came through and a huge thought flashed in my mind - never take God's grace lightly, it was repaid with His own blood. There is no reason that God should heal my dad and help us, only by His grace and mercy. All I can do is to have faith in Christ and beg for His mercy.


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Struggles

Dearly Lord Father, may Your name be revered and praised at all times. Should I go to church tomorrow? Which church should I go to? Should I bring my parents along? Which domination? English or Chinese congregation?

Week by week I have been struggling with these questions. I feel immobilised.

Lord I love you, and I wish my family and friends find perfect joy in loving You too. I just don't know where and how to start. May You never give up on me. Even when I'm forgetful of Your goodness...

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Moments of confession

I'm desperate for a holiday. Not because I want to see something new, but rather to keep myself busy and avoid certain things in life. Maybe it's a sin to pretend to be busy, it is. How far can I runaway from my feelings and intentions? Am I hiding here or really up to something? I don't know. What is real and what is temporal? I'm confused. Somehow, part of me chose to stay in the past and refused to move on. Yet part of me eagerly marching forward to rewrite new stories in life. Perhaps there will be a point of time that I will be torn up by this tension. Or I will be so stretchable and find a balance in between (the past and the future).

Just like Cobb in the movie 'Inception' where part of him stuck in his dream and couldn't get over it. Perhaps part of me stuck in my memory. Perhaps I should go inside my memory, or dream, and say bye to the important person there, if I can ever make it happen. Because he is not real, he is just part of my memory.

I'm going to Seoul

A step closer to my dream again. Thank God for creating little miracles in my life, displaying his gracefulness, generosity, and wonderful love for me. I love Him and I need Him.


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Cats in the East Coast

(Seal) Kiss From A Rose - Sungha Jung

Cuti-cuti Malaysia

Haven't been writing for a long time, hence please forgive my funny English and grammar... well, I have been busy recently, mainly work but at the same time find time to have fun in between. I traveled to Cameron highlands and the East Coast recently.

Cameron trip was a fun one, just chilled out with my workmates for the weekend. Having holiday in Malaysia is different than travelling to other countries, cos I can completely relax and enjoy and not afraid being missed out on anything, because I can go back anytime. The funness of Cameron trip is the people, having fun with a whole bunch of nice people and do silly things together.

Boh Tea Plantation, Cameron Highlands

Kelantan trip was inspiring and refreshing. There were things which were familiar and not so familiar to me...

Foods of Kelantan

Budu - smelly fish sauce of Kelantan, goes with ulam (fresh raw veges)

Nasi Ulam - gotta use your fingers to get the best taste of it!

Keng Som - Thai spicy fish

Mongolian fried chicken

Mango Kerabu

Chili and cucumber dipping sauce for chicken legs

Yummy Kampung chicken legs

Ikan bakar

Nasi dagang (Trade rice) and Nasi Minyak (Oily rice) of Kota Bharu

Etok!!!

Sup Perut (Soup with beef organs!)

Foods of Perhentian

BBQ squid with percik sauce

Fried fish (self caught)

Ulam

Ikan Bakar

More updates when I have more time... time for bed now *yawns*...

Perhentian

How do you describe heaven? If wedding is the mirror of the union of Christ and His people, then perhentians is the place where mirrored the beauty of heaven. Colourful fishes and corals, wonderful people, crystal clear unpolluted sea water, powder soft sandy beach, imagine how wonderful heaven is like. Maybe in heaven I know how to swim naturally like fishes and never get tired and eaten by sharks. Perhaps in heaven everyone will enjoy their work to the fullest with complete equality. Maybe everyone respects each other, and more than that, pure love. Maybe everyone has the capacity to appreciate hence fully comprehend God's grace. When people has a glorified body, perhaps they can worship God by knowing His perfect wonder, and receive the highest level of joy. That's the place where people never get tired serving and loving each other. That's a place where everyone shares the same belief. That's a place where there's no mosquitoes! (I just killed 2 when I was typing this).


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Sun

Something's missing by John Mayer

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check- Money -check-
A well slept -check- Opposite sex -check- Guitar -check- Microphone -check- Messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

GPS

Okay it has been a long while since I last updated my blog here... well... how should I describe my life at the moment? I got a car, which makes me happy and much more convenient in getting around the city. But... it's like there is a place /destination where I wanted to reach, therefore I start doing everything, I get a job, I bought a car, but then half way through, I'd forgotten why am I doing all this things? Where am I going to? Then I keep driving and driving, then a road sign caught my attention, then I just follow where the sign leads to... then I see another road sign, then I follow that way... then I keep driving and driving... sometimes I might receive some enjoyment along the way, but I'd totally forgotten why am I driving at the first place, and why am I here... Then I need a GPS, to key in my destination and follow it so that I will reach the right place.

I know having a relationship with God is the key of joyfulness, but why is it so hard to make myself to listen from Him? K I just need to pray and read the Word, and fellowship with other believers, yet it looks like a huge mountain to climb - seems overwhelmingly hard. Afraid of commitment? Scared of disappointment? Perhaps. But my life and relationships will never get in the right place until I've settled my relationship with God.

The more (materials) I get in life, the emptier the soul it seems. I can never be rich enough, pretty enough, smart enough, savvy enough compared with others. There are always someone better out there. Self-contented? Nah don't lie to yourself. What makes you self-contented? What is your dream? What do you want to achieve in life? What is your life purpose? Who created you and why? Where will you be in afterlife? Start think about it again and it might get you back into the right track.

Maslow's and God's hierarchy

All things are possible. it's about timing, and if God's willing. So there's fulfillment for bottom three levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Not necessary biblical, but this seems workable for me, and I'm searching for the top 2 now, esteem and self-actualisation. Yet I believe God has different priorities for the five needs and they come in different order. Perhaps in God, the triangle is upside down, from widest top to narrow bottom:

1. A relationship with God, knowing who He is and why are you here for.

2. Confidence in Christ, by knowing the purpose of soul redemption and recognising one's identity.

3. Fellowship with believers/Christ followers, by loving, serving and enjoying one another.

4. Fulfillment in serving God, taking part in His work of making disciples.

5. Experiencing God's grace and miracles in life.

Why man can't find fulfillment once he secures his life and having everything he needs? I know without God, I can never be fulfill the highest level in Maslow's hierarchy - self-actualisation, because there's no meaning to it without God. Am definitely not a good Christian but I got to admit life has no meaning without God. It will be another word for "self-actualisation" in God's hierarchy. It would be "joy-in-union"? or "submission in complete joyfulness"?

Thoughts for the moment

Indeed only in times of desperation and despair will draw me closer to God. Trying not to find all sorts of excuses but to say sorry to Him, and to make time and space to give thanks and worship Him. Life has been good so far and really thankful for things He has given. I shall not forget Him in times of 'abundance' and remember those times in 'poverty', He has been faithful. Am eyeing on a contemporary church seems not so strange to me, it's near my house and I'll try it out once I have my own car. Lord, I think it is the good and right time for me to come back, since I have been through certain things outside and walked with your faithful servants, I'll be more able to hold my character and remain conscious in the midst of worldly temptations. I won't say tomorrow will be the same or better, or I expect tomorrow will be better, for I understood this life is temporal, yet I give thanks to the Lord for his graciousness towards me in life until now. The promise is certain, the hope is reality, yet the road to there is unknown. Yet I need not be afraid, because I know that He will be always by my side until everlasting.

Transitions

Am feeling weird as my emotional state is going through some sort of "hormone-like" changes after start working. It's a time to adjust myself and fit into the environment. Just because I care, I try to handle relationships with colleagues and superiors carefully. As a semi-newbie in the corporate world, it is not so easy, at least not as easy as I thought when first stepping into my first job. I learnt to be humble, learnt to bow my head, learnt to submit, but my heart looks to God, as if I work for Christ alone. I'm still feeling like a weirdo, try to be cool but not so cool, try to be myself but not so myself. It takes time to stabilise. Like a boat going through a windy, narrow river, try not to hit the shore, that is how I feel. Try not to make mistake, try not to offend anyone, try to blend. It's ok, it takes time, I'll get used to it. So far, I like this job, and enjoy it. I am very grateful to God's answer to my prayers. I hope I be a light and salt for Christ in my workplace.

Next things to come up: buying a car, finding a church. May the Lord guides.