My Help Comes from the LORD

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your helper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

Morning at Botanic Gardens

I took this picture at the eco lake in Botanic Gardens, Singapore. I enjoyed the serenity of the moment in which can hardly be found in other places in Singapore. This photo further evokes my desire to be a photographer. I don't know if I can make a living out of it, but certainly I will not give up that dream, to travel and take nature and landscape photographs, to display the beauty of creation. There's still long way to go, to switch from pratical to artistic, yet that is my little dream.

Psalm 119:25-48

My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word!
When I told of my ways, you answered me;
teach me you statutes!
Make me understand the way of your precepts,
and I will meditate on your wondrous works.
My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!
Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law!
I have chosen the way of faithfulness, I set your rules before me.
I cling to your testimonies, O LORD; let me not be put to shame!
I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!

Teach me, O LORD, the way of your statutes; and I will keep it to the end.
Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.
Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it.
Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things;
and give me life in your ways.
Confirm to your servant your promise that you may be feared.
Turn away the reproach that I dread, for your rules are good.
Behold, I long for your precepts;
in your righteousness give me life!

Let your steadfast love come to me, O LORD,
your salvation according to your promise;
then shall I have an answer for him who taunts me,
for I trust in your word.
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth,
for my hope is in your rules.
I will keep your law continually, forever and ever,
and I shall walk in a wide place,
for I have sought your precepts.
I will also speak of your testimonies before kings
and shall not be put to shame,
for I find my delight in your commandments, which I love.
I will lift up my hands toward your commandments, which I love,
and I will meditate on your statutes.

Monologue

I don't know where I heard this before, but it is so true to describe my status right now: "when one tried so hard yet failed to achieve anything, the person will turn and go the opposite way." It starts in my work life, then it infected my personal life, then spiritual life, eating me up bit by bit. Dreams which seemed so close are now going further and further away from reality. I can't believe I had been through life in Kuching and New Zealand, there were like a dream, as if I've never been there before. Suddenly I could not recognise myself anymore, I am a stranger to myself.

I looked at the past I admired it, I look to my dreams I adored it, all the possibilities in life. Yet when I look at the present, the past and future vanished, it kills joy and hope. Nothing describe my current feeling better than sadness and emptiness. The perception of despair in life has driven a change in my character, I have to admit I am no longer who I was. I no longer have the passion in my heart, it became an insatiable, unreachable longing for the life I once dreamt of. I become cold hearted, hard, tough person at work, I become a person whom I used to hate and refuse to become. How scary that is, what politics and environment can change a person.

I look at myself, the Anne I used to know, I said to her, hey Anne, where are you now? Where are you, the one who loves God and passionate about life and people? Anne, you once enjoyed everything surrounding you so much, even the unnoticeable things you can appreciate, but now why you are so discontented? Anne, can't you remember that God was so gracious to you, that you experienced what most people would not experience in the world? You have been to New Zealand, you had tasted how good how wonderful God's creation can be. You tasted the goodness of the Lord, His love and faithfulness when you are weakest and loneliest, you experienced his love! Oh how forgetful and unappreciative you are! How can you complain when God withhold his goodness for this time even he promised an eternal life for you? Do you accept only the blessings but not the afflictions he sent? What gives you the right to choose? Who do you think you are? You better laugh when God accepted you as His child, don't be greedy and you got to be patient. Only those who are able to prepare themselves and wait upon Him will be blessed in the day of His return.

Remind yourself of His goodness, Anne, remind yourself of who He is. Who are you but a mere created being? Who are you to question God's goodness? Humble yourself before Him and revere His holiness and beauty. Clothe yourself with the righteousness which comes from the Lamb of God. Go, run, kneel before Him and worship Him, confess your sins before Him, and you may receive the grace of healing. Go Anne, for He is slow to anger and abound in love, He will forgive you according to His steadfast love. Tell Him your troubles, your angers, your frustrations, your disappointments. He is there willing to listen and being patient to you. Pour out to Him, and honor His name, you will receive healing and strength.

Love Him, Anne, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength. Remember to look upon the cross, where He spread out His arms and nailed for your sins. Remember he has risen and conquered the curse of sin and death. Remember he is alive, at this very moment, He is alive, and watching you typing every single word here. Remember. Don't forget the Promises, He is able to guard your inheritance, your faith till you return to your heavenly home.

Therefore, serve Him, with grace and truth, tend His sheep. Feed the hungry, quench the thirst. Be blessed by being His messenger, carrier of the gospel, to every corners where He intends to redeem. Just rest in His promises and faithfulness, rest in Him, surrender yourself to Him, let Him lead you, protect you, guide you. And you will never regret of this precious life given by Him!

Amen.

St. Francis Prayer

Recharging mode

Gosh I got two days MC. Was coughing badly, runny nose and extremely exhausted. Somehow still feeling guilty for taking sick leave. I guess it's time to re-think my life, the way I live, behave and do things. I have been side tracked recently, not knowing what I'm doing, just getting by day by day. A voice telling me that that's not right, I need to "re-calibrate" myself with God's will in my life.

As I am already stressed for things getting out of control at work, I stress myself further for being guilty not going to work and thinking I might be trying to escape subconsciously. And there is a voice telling me, go rest, sleep and eat, then get up and walk again, like Elijah. I don't make equal my boss with Jezebel chasing Elijah, but the situation is similar. Elijah was wearied and exhausted, so do I.

Thank God giving me this time off, so I can re-think about my attitude towards things. I confess that I am not putting all effort at work, and am focusing on the escape routes. I no longer have the courage to confront the problems and people, rather putting my head in the sand like the ostrich. Obviously this is not going to help at all. Lord, not matter what will happen in a few months time, I thank you for giving me this job. I repent for my sins of being slack and cold hearted. Revive me Lord, give me that passion to serve again, to serve my boss, the patients, my colleagues and subordinates. Forgive me for taking things lightly. Revive me, give me wisdom and strength again to be a good witness and testimony for You. I am ashamed for who I am and what I'm doing right now. Please give me a new chance and make it right. Show me the way out and solutions to the problems and issues. Lead me to do your will, and I shall give all glory to your name. Amen.

Weak again

Sometimes I just wish that I'm a bit more consistent in my character. It just shatters too easily when things seem too difficult to overcome in life. I'm feeling frustrated recently, mainly because of work, I feel very discouraged and unmotivated since I have been criticized everyday that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not performing at all etc.

I have been thinking lots. Especially on my vision in life and what are the options etc. Always come to the conclusion that I want to do so much, but there is so little that I can do. My European dream is farther and farther away since my mum told me there's a huge bank debt due to my study in NZ needs to be paid off. Changing job means that I will get a lesser pay job, and before that I need to get my PR before I can hop somewhere else. Argh, why is life so hard?

I'm just very tired again, physically, mentally, and spiritually weak. I know I need some rest, but no matter how long I slept I'm still drained, unable to recharge. Why oh why... Lord give me strength, vision and hope.