Prayer of Lament

Dear Heavenly Father, you are the Almighty God, who created the heaven and earth. You give breath to life, you created me and gave me life. I am brokenhearted, tired, and in despair. My family and I have sinned against you. The circumstances are against us, we have nothing to defend ourselves for, only to beg for your mercy.

I only thankful that at least they are healthy and safe. Brother still smokes marijuana. Dad's struggling with his work and income. I pay the bills. My beloved left me, my boss closed down the company. I lost my job.

Shame overwhelmed me, rejection hurted me, sins captured me, fears engulfed me, loneliness drowned me, tears flooded me.

Hope is frail, difficult to be seen. Strength is failing, I feel weaker day after day. I can barely live, only to lie to myself and others - all is good.

Tell me of your Truth, my Lord. My memory is failing me. I seem to be forgotten the good things you have done in my life, miracles I never dreamt to happen. Please tell me there is more to life, there is meaning, there is purpose, there is hope.

Remind me of Jesus' love - one who came down, lived and died on the cross, endured the shame, rejection and pain. Convince my heart that You love me, in the beginning, now, and till the end. Show me what love is.

I have failed to recognise your love, failed to love others. I live without purpose, I wish I am dead.

Revive my soul, O Lord, take this broken and contrite heart, take this broken soul to glorify your name.

Help me to trust you once more, to love and obey your commands, to hope in your promises. Help me to stay strong, to remain faithful to your Word, until the very end. Deliver my family from unbelief, help us to believe, open our eyes to see your Light, and grant us hearts of repentance. May we turn away from evil, but do good, to worship you, as a response to your limitless grace.

Transform this soul, make it useful for your Kingdom. Satisfy me with your love and truth, make me hungry and thirsty no more.

My name will be nobody, for I am and forever will be Christian.

AND CAN IT BE THAT I SHOULD GAIN?

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

’Tis mystery all: th’Immortal dies:
Who can explore His strange design?
In vain the firstborn seraph tries
To sound the depths of love divine.
’Tis mercy all! Let earth adore,
Let angel minds inquire no more.
’Tis mercy all! Let earth adore;
Let angel minds inquire no more.

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

Still the small inward voice I hear,
That whispers all my sins forgiven;
Still the atoning blood is near,
That quenched the wrath of hostile Heaven.
I feel the life His wounds impart;
I feel the Savior in my heart.
I feel the life His wounds impart;
I feel the Savior in my heart.

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

怎能如此, 像我這樣罪人, 也蒙寶血救贖大恩?
主為我受痛苦鞭傷, 也為我死在十架上?
奇異的愛, 怎能如此, 我主我神為我受死?
 何等奇妙! 永生主竟受死! 有誰能解釋這奧祕?
神聖之愛, 廣闊深長, 最高天使也難測量,
上主憐憫, 超過猜想, 世人都當敬拜景仰.
 我主離開天上寶座榮華.無量恩惠白白賜下,
謙卑虛已, 顯彰慈愛, 流血救贖亞當後代,
恩典憐愛, 無邊無涯, 罪人像我, 竟蒙厚愛.
 我靈受困, 多年在牢獄中;被罪包圍, 黑暗重重;
主眼發出復活榮光, 我靈甦醒, 滿室光明!
枷鎖脫落, 心靈獲釋, 我就起來跟隨主行.
不再定罪, 心中除盡憂愁;我擁有主並他所有.
主內生活讓他居首, 穿起義袍聖潔無垢;
坦然無懼到寶座前, 藉主救贖, 獲得冠冕.

Preaching to myself

I looked at the older post I wrote, I was like - did I wrote that stuff? I really admire this author, hahaha~ 

Well, it's soul searching time again. Again, I stand at the crossroad, looking at all the options I have, wondering where is each of these roads is going to lead me to? Where am I going to end up in? Thankfully, ultimately I will end up in heaven - the final destiny will not be changed, it is certain. Sometimes I wonder, why am I being anxious about the short temporal life I have on this earth? Chillax, just cheer up. Well, I don't quite agree with the YOLO philosophy - it's just kind of irresponsible. You only live once? Yes and no. Every actions you do will take its consequences - yes we only live once, whether it leads to death, or eternity.

Does anybody think that sometimes we do forget how to live as HUMAN? We get so ingrained in our daily lives and routines, and we became dull and boring, just like everyone else, if not robots. No doubt the world has fallen into sin, as humans are, yet we should never give up the conquest of searching the meaning of our lives. 

We are created for a reason, we are created with LOVE. God defines love, he IS love. The trinitarian God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit is a relationship itself. One cannot love without interacting with another person. God is three persons, therefore God himself is sufficient to love, yet he extends that love to his creation. "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on earth." - Genesis 1:27~28 We are created to have a relationship with God and his creations - that relationship is beautiful and enjoyable, and meant for eternal.

Yet we turned away from him, we were deceived and we deceived ourselves, instead of enjoying the great relationship with our Creator, we foolishly rebelled against Him. We tainted ourselves, and ought to face the judgment and consequences of our actions. Yet there God is still gracious in the midst of judgment - he said to the serpent: "I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel."- Genesis 3:15 Later we learn that  this offspring (or seed in some translation) ultimately points to Jesus - the one to crushed Satan and gain victory over his death and resurrection.

"God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts our fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us."- 1 John 4:16~19

I find comfort knowing that in times of uncertainty, God still loves me, because not matter what happen, even if I made the wrong decision, my life has been redeemed through the blood of Jesus, I belong to Christ, and nothing is going to change the reality of that my identity is in Christ. Why fear? Because I forgot that He loves me and He will keep me till the end. Therefore choices is there for me to make - "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery". Live as a child of freedom, only to remember Christ, who endured the pain and suffering, and being obedient to his Father, even death on the cross. Live a life worthy of Christ, for I bear his name as CHRISTIAN - my life is no longer mine, but Christ's. May I present my body as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is my spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of my mind, that by testing I may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:1~2)

I will pray, and seek his guidance and answer. I will trust in the Lord my saviour who loves me with the perfect love. May my heart dwell in peace by reminding myself these truths constantly. As a loving Father, and with full sovereignty, he will act, he will act, when I put my trust in him. :-)  

Now but not yet

Christ has not just overcome death, for me, he has overcome 'life'. Within this age of 'now but not yet', death seems to be daunting, yet 'life' (I mean this life, before the consummation) seems to be frustrating. The stench on decay haunts us day after day, reminding us how dreadful life can be, if there is no hope, if there is no Christ. Since the day we exist, the ultimate judgment awaits us. As sinners we are born powerless, we stand on no ground against a Holy God. Yet, in His mercy, he has chosen us, and lovingly pursue us, like a heavenly hound, there is no way we can run away from His will. I see this capture a good thing, a lovely thing. Not a restriction from freedom, but in contrast, a mean to set me free. Just as a fish swimming in a polluted sea, there is no way that the fish can get out of the water, unless the external power removes the fish out of the water and relocate it to the clean water. We foolish humans having this illusion of freedom, freedom from God's rules and disciplines, yet we never realise that we ourselves are trapped in the sea corrupted by sin.   

When is God the fisher of men will fish me out of this gloom? Though not to the point of dark misery and despair, my conscience is not clear to selfishly indulge in my little own comforts and luxuries. When can my heart be completely satisfied and thus rest in peace? Might that be the day when Christ returns? The tension comes from tension created within, torn between the ideal world and reality. 

"Dwell in me", says the Christ. Never be tempted to walk alone, for you are never alone. You fool, aren't you know that this battle is not yours, but mine? Then why are you exasperated? Because you took pride in yourself, you fought with your own strength, whether for good or selfish reasons, you fought alone, for your own glory. You will never succeed in the battle which never meant for you to fight, for you are too weak and powerless. Abide in me, my child. I am your sword, your shield, your armour. Rest in me, have peace knowing that you belong to me, and I have accepted you, through the blood I shed for you, on that old rugged cross. As the lover, the husband, the head, the Lord, I have every reason to protect you, to guide you, to lead you, to complete the good works I have started in you, till that very end (which is infinity). Have faith in me, just as how you trust your parents, trust me also, even more than your parents, that I love you, and have the ability to accomplish my good will. 

Be part of my kingdom, work for me. I am your Lord, your God. See what I have been doing in the world, I have not 'rest' since the very day I started. I am the beginning and the end. Be part of my work, of gathering my people, calling them to serve and glorify my name. You will see, you will find satisfaction, one day, when that day comes, you will say, "Hallelujah praise the Lord! Your name is worthy, your name is worthy of our worship, your glory fills the earth, sins were no more, pains were no more, tears were no more, only joy, only fulfillment that you can sense beyond your sight, hearing, taste, touch and feel. 

Mirror

We both are too similar, too sensitive, too fragile. There's true feelings, yet it's too rich, hence risky. How many times can a person risk? If there had been once, it failed, will it happen again? The heart can be trolling at times, deceiving the brain, revealing its true intentions after the other person got hurt. Miracle, if love is real, there's a chance of miracle.

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Jogja Day 1

With a blink of an eye, 2012, the year that we once thought is far away, has arrived. Many things have changed, perhaps it is our perspectives that have changed, where things are still remaining the same. This is the longest holiday I had since I began my previous job in March 2010. Being caught in the rat race for an extensive period of time, suddenly I had forgotten how to rest, in particular my mind.

I went to Yogyakarta, Indonesia for 5 days during the Chinese New Year break. It further proved my assumption that life only gets real during travelling. As a family, we chose a holiday destination where it is less likely to be flocked by Chinese tourists, and the airfare was a good deal. Unlike my usual well prepared 'homework' before departure to the travel destination, this time my trip preparation was minimal, with last minute accommodation bookings, thanks to my boss who is ever so generously in assigning seemingly infinite volume of work tasks.

Somehow, getting ready for a trip to Yogyakarta (locally known as Jogja) was not as easy or smooth as I prepared for Vietnam. Trip advice was minimal, and hotels were almost fully booked due to the long weekend of Perayaan Imlek (Lunar Calendar which refers to Chinese New Year in Indonesia). It was beyond my prediction that the local tourists would flocked into the city and sites of interests for the weekend holiday. The flight was full, only with a few Chinese. 2.5 hours to there with Air Asia was not the most pleasant flight due to the narrow seats and extra charges for drinks. Yet there is nothing much to complain about for the price we paid therefore the expected experience. We reached Jogja safely, passed the immigration and collected our baggage. We ordered a taxi which costs Rp 115,000 (about RM40) to the hotel we pre-booked just the night before. Usually the hotel arranges airport pickup and drop-off services but we booked last minute. My dad and I were amazed at how well the road conditions and infrastructures in Jogja were. The flat roads there made us envious as what we have here are uneven roads with patches and potholes everywhere. It took us about 30 minutes to travel from the airport to Turi, where our hotel is located.

As I mentioned it was a last minute booking for 1 night, I did not have any expectations on the hotel. The reviews reflected that it should be a pleasant stay except located quite far from the city centre. Upon our arrival, we were pleasingly surprised by the intricate wooden carvings and uniquely built traditional Javanese house (Joglo). We were really excited by the opportunity to stay in a Javanese house and experience Javanese culture. The hotel has only 19 rooms in total and there were limited number of workers, but they all were friendly and hospitable and treated us like royals! An elder man whom we believed was the owner also welcomed us and showed us around. The porter carried our luggage to the room and there were surprises at every corner - Javanese puppets, shadow puppets (wayang kulit), various species of tropical plants, and a mini pond. My parents liked our villa very much because it also came with Javanese wooden carvings outside and inside the room! Mum and I fell on the comfy bed straight away then my dad screamed with excitement when seeing the bathroom! It was the biggest bathroom and bathtub we ever experienced in a hotel. Of course immediately we regretted for booking only 1 night there and considered whether to cancel the bookings of another hotel in city centre...

We had lunch in the villa restaurant, tried some delicious traditional Javanese foods. The place was rather quiet and relaxing it makes all the hassles and bustles from everyday life disappeared. We did not do much on the first day since the rain was heavy and we just want to enjoy the tranquility of the villa to the max. The dinner was funny, we were adventurous and walked down 300 meters to a nearby village and had mie ayam with bakso. Total bill was Rp 21000 (RM7) which was ten times less than what we paid for the lunch. I thought that was the most delicious meal I had throughout the trip in Jogja. It rained heavily again afterwards and we were soaked after we walked back to the hotel.

What can be better to have a soaking warm bath in a big bathtub like this? =)

Hence the first day of our trip.

How to share Jesus

Re-reading this



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