Rejuvenating

There is always a way out to all difficult situations. I met a guy from Norway today, realised that my passion is always there for Europe and Norway. I am kind of ready to move on, ready to let go whatever is behind and holding me back. I want to be free again, pursuing my dreams and ambitions. I want to be myself, to show the qualities and gifts that God has put in me. I want to fully enjoy and appreciate my youth and singleness, devoting my heart fully to God and serve other people. Maybe I will, maybe never, will find anyone who will really appreciates me for who i really am. Process of changing and renewing is painful, it takes time to heal, but I believe by the divine healing power of the grace of Christ I will stand up again.

Heartbreak

Is there still love in this world? Even there is, it doesn't belong to me. Again, my heart is broken into pieces. I don't know is there anymore hurtful thing than saying "I never loved you" by someone you thought who loved you. My mind is trying to rationalise everything but the wound is still there, laying open and bleeding. I have never felt being so forsaken in my life. I only have God now and I believe that He will never want to break my heart. Why is it so hard to rejoice? It is a command but why can I never do it and let down people around me? I feel like a parasite that sucks everyone's joy and peace and maybe I should disappear forever. Why is it so hard to be a Christian? If God is so powerful why he has to make it so hard? The reality of adult life is more cruel than I can ever thought. I thought there must be someone there comfort me when I am sad, tolerate my bad tempers, always love and accept me no matter what I've done, like my parents do. In fact no one will love me more than my parents do, apart from God. I am tricking myself, fooling myself that there must be someone out there will able to truly love me. I sound like a loser now, I thought when someone says this they sounded stupid for me why would they be sad and now I'm feeling this way, like everyone else. I am no different than an average person, my heart still breaks, my strength still fails.

Just a little change

Life isn't as miserable as I thought. As persisted to give my Sunday mornings to God, God has give me a lot of surprises. He is good indeed, an He will never disappoint me. I knew a few people from church, and they are very friendly. The two brothers reminded me of the twin brothers of Ron Weasley in Harry Potter, because they are always funny and full of tricks. As I thought I don't have any friends here and no one would go to explore the place with me, they offered to take me and other 2 Brazilian sisters to Mt Luxmore at the Sunday after next week! Oh how good if everything works out. This is what I've always been wanted. God is good, and he has the best plans. He does cares for every individual, as today's service is about creation and how God creates and take cares for the creation, it is so wonderful.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well. Ps 139:14

If God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Matt 6:30

Look at the place around me, if the earth is so stunningly beautiful, how much more wonderful and glorious Heaven will be?

Breakdown

Why things always turned up this way? Why there is always fault in everything? Why plans never work out? Came to Te Anau, I have a lot of struggles. Trying to look at the positive sides, but it's too hard. I learnt a lot of new things, and earned more money than before. For the first time i can afford a full airticket to go home and even australia on the way. However there's a price to pay. Thought I could spend more time with Scott if I come here, thought I could see him more often. But it turns out the other way round. The first few weeks were sweet, things were fine and he was here helping me to settle down. However everything changes when he starts milking. He starts at 5.30am every morning till about 9am and milk again at 2pm till 6pm. I start at 8am almost everyday, have a wee break in the afternoon, and finish at about 10pm. I only have a day off in a week, and Scott works everyday, that means we can hardly see each other again, or even talk on the phone, even time we could text is limited. Last night I came home early at 9pm, happily thought that we could talk on the phone, but he was at his ex-girlfriend's house watching movie! Imagine how disappointed I was. Tonight I thought we could talk, I tried to finish as soon as I can but it was so busy that I worked ten hours today and only get to finish at about 10:30pm and realised he had gone to sleep 10 minutes ago. I got an emotional breakdown, why could this happen?

Basically I don't have a life, I worked 6 days a week the only day off I couldn't do anything except staying at home catch up with my dishes and washings. I don't have friends outside work, don't have anyone to hang out or watch movie with. Wanted to explore the environment and go for a tramp even a short walk but I don't have that extra energy. I can't go to see Scott because the bus goes there in the morning and comes back in the afternoon. Went to his house last week but he was busy with his assignments and milking. I know my life shouldn't evolve around him, I tried to go near God, I tried spend time with God everyday, I read the bible, I read Christian books, I listen to sermons... But I still feel very lonely, I couldn't help it. Last thing I could do is trying to get to go to church every Sunday morning even I am always being rostered on Sunday mornings... This is the only thing I could not compromise.

The only thing I could look forward is going to Aussie and then home at the end of March. I don't know how long will my relationship with Scott last? It is a tough time and test for us. I don't know... I'm tired.

New Update

Sorry I have not been updating this blog since ages ago. My life is still under constant change, facing a lot of new challenges and possibilities. I came to work in Te Anau, a small town situated in Fiordland, close to the world famous Milford Sound and Queenstown. I enjoy this town, although it was a bit too much for me to work during the first two weeks (I worked more than 50 hours a week because of Christmas and New Year). Now it’s getting better, I start enjoying my work.

It is humbling sometimes for me to work as a waitress and bar person when I hold a university degree. But I never stop reminding myself, I come here for ‘holiday’, for a rest at heart, to stop stressing out too much about the future and the present. I do not know if I have achieved my purpose, but Te Anau is a good location, away from big cities and everything that I familiar with. I love the lake and the mountains, the sky is always beautiful, and people are nice. I met people at work from Czech Republic, Germany, Scotland, Australia, and of course Kiwis. Some of us even went to countdown and dance at the Lions Park and watched beautiful fireworks together. It was a good time, sadly three people had left work this week for further travelling.

I had my first pure Kiwi Christmas at a farm near Riverton and Invercargill, with my boyfriend Scott’s family and extended family. It was a wonderful experience, their warmth and friendliness made me feel at home. However, it would be better if they know the real meaning of Christmas, and give the glory to God.

Scott and I spent some quality time together, we explored Te Anau by visiting the wildlife centre, a small (not worth it) trout observatory, fun mini golf, scenic drive on Milford road to Eglinton valley, and sitting by the lake. We went to Queenstown last Friday on my first day off since work (apart from Christmas day), went to adventurous Skippers Canyon, witnessing the place where Arwen ride the horse across the river in Lord of The Rings, Arrowtown, Crown Range lookout and shopping (of course)! Had a most beautiful Thai food I had in New Zealand (maybe because I have been deprived for Asian food too long here), we had Singha Thai beer (reminds me of my dad), Thai coconut, tom yum, and red curried scallops (they were as big as my palms)! Queenstown is magical, always make you feel like on holiday, and surrounded by foreign people and foreign languages. I feel so blessed by staying so near to it.

Southland farmview towards Stewart Island

Te Anau sky

Skippers Canyon

So much to share since I haven’t been updating my blog, will stop here and share more about my work next time.