Monday, April 28, 2008

I want to relax!

What is a Christian way to relieve stress? I have been under huge stress since way before I graduate from university. Facing heaps of assignments and examinations, work and financial pressure, church and fellowship responsibilities, job hunting, relationship problems and future planning, I was burnt out. It became a lot worse after I graduate from university…

I tried so hard to cope with the problem, I did a lot of things to improve the situation. Although I can’t underestimate the problem, there’s no use to exaggerate the problem either. I went to see the doctor once when I was so sick during final exams, he suggested I have chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), all I can do is do more recreational activity and stop working.

I tried to analyse my problem, read the bible, remember God’s promises, and trying to submit all to Him. But the problem never goes away, it just keep accumulating including causing problems in my last relationship and in the end break up. I talked to myself, tried to talk to God at the same time. I told myself this isn’t the end of the world, I need to be happy and forget all unhappy things.

However, the reality is always the same, I need to get a job, still I need to survive and feed myself. Due to long term withdrawal from the crowd, I am losing my support network, i.e. my friends or brothers and sisters in Christ. I lost my work related references. All I feel like is continue withdraw from everyone whom I know, and start my life somewhere else again. Deep in my heart I know I should not be doing that, I should not runaway, or escape, I should face my problems, and deal with them.

Secular ways of stress relieving techniques including deep breathing, visualisation, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, yoga etc. What does the bible says about those techniques? Does not believe the bible itself sufficient to relieve my stress? If it is sufficient, which passage should I read? What should I do?

“Lord, forgive my sin of unbelief. I doubted your power and sufficiency. I doubted if you care enough to heal my brokenness and pain. I want to praise and worship you with my life, my words and my actions. I want to live peacefully and joyfully, shining as your child. But Lord, with my own strength, I am unable, for I am weak and powerless, to change myself and the circumstances. Change my heart O Lord, change my attitude, fixed my attention on yourself, gazing upon your beauty. Let your holiness heal my brokenness, let your love transform me, let your sovereignty strengthen my soul, let your character shape my integrity, let Jesus be my hope and salvation, empower me by your Holy Spirit. Get me ready to do your will, I know ultimate hopes and dreams and happiness can be found in you. Amen.”

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Before I know how to be a disciple, I need to learn how to be a human. Before I know how to evangelize, I need to learn how to communicate. Before I know how to make a stand, I need to learn the culture.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Lord, I am ready

Stuck in this concrete jungle, I am forgetting that the world once, or in other places, is beautiful, and full of hope. I refused to pursue a comfortable wonderful life for myself, for I would not have a good conscience. If I truly love other people, if I truly love God, how I could pretend there is no one who is suffering, pretend that everyone is able to help themselves, pretend everyone already know the Truth? I can’t say that I can help much, I can’t say that I am able to influence the society, tragically I can’t even influence my own family, even struggling in myself!

Seeing everyone eating healthily, physically active, protect the environment, living sustainable, loving themselves and one another, respect one another, giving way to one another, ultimately loving God, is my dream. This distorted community, society, city, country, world is far from my ideal. It is disturbing, corrupting, and disgusting. Would it help if I move to another place, so I would hide myself from all the troubles in the world? Or saying that, ‘I can’t do anything anyway, so better avoid everything while I can: runaway.’ What does God says? He is saying that we are sinful, we are helpless to ourselves, we couldn’t save ourselves, we just keep sinning and digging graves for our own, not just that, walking a path that leads to destruction, a total mess! In a world without God there is no such thing as love, joy, peace, beauty, because the further away we are from God, the more unfamiliar we are with those concepts, because He is the only source, only He is Holy.

I believe God is able, and He is working. I want to participate in the work in which He is doing, I don’t know what will it be like, I don’t know what exactly He is doing, I don’t know how many people are involved. But I know, if I want to fulfil my dream, He is the only way, truth, and life, and apart from following Him there is no other way.

Lord, I am here, ready to be used by you. I am an untrained athlete, a new soldier, weak and helpless. But I have a heart to serve You, even though I don’t know how. I want to involve in a fellowship that loves you, seeks to glorify you, humbling themselves to learn your truth, and putting you as the centre, above all else. I want to involve, take part in something meaningful. May the days of serving you cheerfully, hunger for your word, praying for one another, having fun together, may those days come back to me, and blessing those who never experience all that before – the joy of truly knowing you, the joy of loving one another, the joy of proclaiming the Truth.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Just need Jesus

Who will give me a chance? Where do I belong to? Who will accept me? Sometimes I wish I just vanish and no one will know and remember me anymore. I am lost for too long. I forgot how to communicate with people, I forgot how to tolerate, I forgot how to write an article, a cv, or a cover letter, I forgot how to introduce myself, I forgot who I am. Who knows me? Who remembers me? Who will help me? Who will give me a chance? I lost my strength, I lost myself.

I just need a little bit more compassion, I just need a little bit more support, I just need someone to pray for me, I just need a little encouragement, I just need a little reminder, I just need someone who cares, I just need a little bit more understanding, I just need a friend, I just need Jesus.

The world will not be better, but the world will be renewed.

The world would be better if we look after each other interests instead of our own.
The world would be better if we look after the natural environment by sustainable living.
The world would be better if we treat animals properly.
The world would be better if we are honest and humble.
The world would be better if we look after ourselves by eating right and exercise.
The world would be better if we can share our transport.
The world would be better if we open our houses for strangers
The world would be better if we say thank you and please.
The world would be better if we always smile.
The world would be better if we don’t indulge.
The world would be better if we have common hopes and dreams.
The world would be better if we have love.
The world will never be better.
But the world will be renewed, and only the people who love and obey God will be chosen to live there.
I hope I am one of them, waiting for the arrival of that day, while groaning in this fallen world.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008


I don’t know what scares me, maybe life in general. I feel like a boat floating in the middle of the ocean, losing it’s direction, have no where to go, no where for support. I tried to escape, to chase my nomadic dream, but I end up here again, facing the realities of life. I don’t know why I have so much fear towards a career. I’m afraid I will lose my freedom, I’m afraid being rejected, I’m afraid of failure, afraid of disappointment. I have no confidence in myself at all, I can’t remember anything I learnt from uni, I don’t have confidence to speak, I can’t speak fluent English, neither Malay or Mandarin. I don’t have money for further education, my results are too bad for scholarships. I don’t have any connection, not belong to any organisation or society. I’m a loner, belongs to no where. I don’t have friends here, feeling infamiliar about everything in Malaysia. What should I do? Where should I go? Here I am being lost again in life. God I pray you open a door for me, pray that you lead me to the place you want me to go, pray that you put the right people in my life. Help me to submit the burdens to you, help me to discern your voice, help me to obey you, help me to fulfil your purpose. I’m desperate for you.

Sustainable living

We are responsible to look after the planet that God has created for us. I found a brilliant website about sustainable living.

KL again

Finally I’m back at home in KL. Feels weird, it’s like being awaken from a beautiful dream, coming back to the reality. Truly New Zealand was like a paradise, I experienced many important events of my life there and she changed my ‘Weltanschauung’ (worldview in German, according to Krissy this word is more appropriate in my situational context). I miss New Zealand, I really do.

Now I’m bit struggling everything I’m facing: life in KL in general. Equality and freedom in New Zealand are things that I long for in Malaysia. I feel somehow restrained, even though I have a lot more freedom in terms of spending and opportunities in life. I grieve for the people in Malaysia, and Asia, and people around the world. For the things they do to each other, or lack for each other, for the injustice, materialism, consumerism, spiritual bondages etc. I wish I can do something, but now I can just pray.