Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Lord I feel forsaken
Even though I know you won’t
I am contradicting myself as always
And I am weary of being like this
I am losing hope in life
Once I am looking forward to so many things
But now those dreams and ambitions seem vanishing
I am putting my hope in something I could not see
Something that I do not know
Until I slowly forget what I am believing
And believe, only for the sake of believing
Am not I pathetic?
Find it impossible to quiet down my soul
To listen that tiny whisper from you
I am too anxious until I forgot what I am anxious for
I have too much fear until I forgot what I am fear of
Reality of life is harsh
It can make the courageous coward
It can make the ambitious ordinary
It can make the passionate cold
You humbled me
By taking away my last pride
Of believing in myself that I will never leave you
Now I know it is not up to me
If it is not your grace
I have forsaken you since long time ago
Take my faith as tiny as a mustard seed
Reshape me again from a cluster of clay
Make me whole, make me pure
And make my life worth living again
Fear is overwhelming me,
Have I made the right choice?
What is right? What is wrong?
What is pleasing God? What is not pleasing Him?
How long will I be grilled and restless?
How long can I maintain my faith?
I have faith in God, but have no faith in myself.
I am afraid.
I thought I made a choice, and a right choice
I thought I can rest after that
Still I am restless, without peace
What can be more horrible than human beings?
I am scared
Of other human beings
Scared of their selfishness, politics
Scared that I will be bullied
Above all, I am afraid of regret
Of making the wrong choice
Of wearying myself down
Of bringing extra troubles and miseries in life
I thought I can have a normal job
Go to church on Sundays
Spending time with family on public holidays
And I realised, no
Not with the choice I’ve made
I will sacrifice my weekends and holidays
Sacrifice my church day
Sacrifice time spending with my family
No… why I am being brought to test like this again and again?
Why do I always not know how to make the right choice?
Why is it always me myself to be blamed?
Why am I putting myself in a misery?
I hate of being regret… I don’t want to regret
But this is what always happened to me
Maybe it is not as bad as I thought…
Friday, August 15, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
I always ask myself a question: what is my source of joy? When I am happy, what and who am I happy for? When I am upset, what and who upsets me and steal my joy? There is nothing wrong with feeling happy or upset about something or someone, but if that emotion is too strong and overtakes my desire for God, I have committed the sin of unbelief, or even idolatry. Well, this is just my opinion.
For example, I am not too happy at the moment, because I gave up my chance to travel around the world as a cabin crew. Seeing my dreams fleeting or delaying to whenever that is, I am disappointed. Therefore I ask myself: is travelling giving you more fulfilment than being obedient to God? Will God not able to fulfil all your longings and desires whether in this temporal life or most importantly eternal life? Why are you seeking ways to edify your earthly desires, for temporal fulfilment?
If only you can grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge… remain in Christ’s love, so that Christ’s joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. Why are you looking for friends somewhere else, Christ has called you his friend, even lay down his life for you. He is alive, you know it, but do you believe it? If you believe it, how to you respond to the fact that Christ is alive and he is with you?
It is ok that you do not have a life being envious by the world. It is ok that you are being ordinary from the world’s point of view. It is ok that you are being unpopular. It is ok that you cannot please everyone. Why? Because you don’t have to, you belong to Christ alone. You are being accepted and you are unique in his eyes because he has created you according to his own image, and gives grace for you to repent and to believe in him, he chose you. Your value is neither determined by how the world evaluates you, nor by how people regard you, nor how much money you have, nor your status, nor how much knowledge you have, nor who you befriend with, nor how good-looking you are, nor your fashion sense, nor how many countries you travelled… Your value is in Christ, for who you are in Christ. Christ has chosen you, not because of who you are or what you did, but because of his mercy and grace. Isn’t that gives you enough reason to rejoice?
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died- more than that, who was raised to life – is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - my favourite passage: Romans 8
Yes, you are Christ’s, stop doubting. You cannot even separate yourself from Christ’s love by doubting him. So rejoice! Rejoice! REJOICE! Worship him! Free yourself from all the worries, rejoice! Cast your burdens unto Jesus, rejoice! Put your hope in Jesus, rejoice! Be excited for what he is going to accomplish, rejoice! For his Kingdom come, rejoice!
Friday, August 01, 2008
We reminded each other that God is our Father, He is watching us, and smiling, He delights in us, He sees us grow, and sees us stumble when we learn to walk, He loves us, no longer angry with us, because of Christ. Because of Christ - what a sweet phase…
“My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.” – Proverbs 3:11~12
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
– Hebrews 12:5~6
I just learnt again about father and son. He disciplines those are his sons for our good so we may share his holiness. and I’m glad the scripture is so honest about discipline, it said it will seem painful rather than pleasant to be revoked. but it YIELDS the peaceful fruit of righteousness. we will later have peace after the purification.
If we dont get discipline, we are illegitimate children. So it says that u and me are true child of God. and He said to look at Jesus example, Jesus looked forward to the joy that was set before him (the reward) to endure the cross. Looking on the reward is so biblical.” – Lilis
Other than that, because we have this intimate relationship with God the Father, we can cry out to Him in our troubles, we can ask Him questions, but in a humble way, like David, like Job. Because they have been walking closely with God, He is no longer a stranger for them, but someone they can cry out or pour out too. To cry out or to question can be a form of worship too, when we acknowledge God's sovereignty and putting Him in the right position in our lives.
Lastly, we reminded each other of the hope we have in the future which is described in 1 Corinthians 15: about the gospel, the resurrection of Christ, and how we are going change, and death no longer has victory over us… Therefore, we must stand firm, and let nothing move us. Always give ourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because we know that our labour in the Lord is not in vain.
I wish I can record everything that God has done faithfully in my life. Someone told me that, there is not an experience in life that is going to be wasted; all can be used by God to teach, encourage, and build me up for His further purpose in my life. Mum said that my unemployment is like a holiday, with the visits and companies of many friends, I am enjoying myself in the midst of uncertainties. I found something to boast of: Christ who lives in me has never leaved me nor forsake me, his power and grace is present, he is alive and real.
Throughout the second half of last year until now I have been facing immense challenges. I have learnt, and grown, in wisdom of life and the love of Christ. Biggest lesson God trying to teach me is, live simple, live for Christ alone. Am I able to let go of the love and desires for the world, am I able to show Christ’s glory at the cost of my ambitions and worldly desires?
He has put me into a difficult situation. He knows I love travelling, and see the world, and somehow being glamorous, being envied by others. What is a better job than being a flight stewardess? Everything seems so perfect, the pay, the travel, the glamour, the cool aviation crew friends, and the chance to get to know people from all around the world… but there are certain things I need to ‘sacrifice’ if I take on this job. I will spend less time with the church and friends, I might being tied up and could not attend a good preaching, I might feel tired travelling and compromise my time spending with God, especially flying long hours in the plane, will I do my quiet time and bible study while I fly? Besides, I might face a lot of temptations and making compromises.
I do not know if I have made the right choice, choosing to work on the ground, working 5 days a week in a hospital, sounds boring huh… I don’t know… somehow I think this is better for me to grow, learn and serve God. I know the student ministry needs staffworker, I know the children ministry in church needs tuition teachers… I know in the hospital the patients need to hear the gospel… maybe the reality is not as fancy as I would imagine or describe, but somehow I know this is a better opportunity to serve and witness God. (Well, actually I made the decision because I cannot really wait and take risk anymore; the hospital needs an answer so I just say yes).
Ya so I made the decision and still trying to persuade myself that I made the right choice… I know this is a stressful job and I will face a lot of challenges in every way, but that makes me rely on God more than relying on myself. And I need to explain this to the airline, the friends who helped me to get into the aviation industry, and the cabin crew friends whom I just knew… Don’t know what is going to happen next so just commit everything in God’s hands.