My Christmas

Haven't been blogging for sometime, I'm afraid that my English writing is worse than ever before... It's Christmas season... well... nothing really big for me, except a very confused, complicated feeling.

What has been happening in my life recently? I went to my favourite singer's - Jam Hsiao's concert last Saturday. A good friend of mine invited me for her wedding reception, but I refused because of the concert. Then mum told me I should wait at home, for uncle was in a very critical stage. Anyhow in the end I went. I really enjoyed the concert so much, for his voice has a comforting effect... I wasn't 100% in it... was thinking about uncle and other things as well.... but I treasured and savoured every minute when I was there, to get my every cent worthwhile.

My uncle passed away on Monday, before dawn. I had a mixed feeling. Somehow I feel relieved, for uncle himself, for my mum, and everyone in the family. I have peace, for I choose to believe that Jesus received him to heaven, as I whispered to him several times, telling him to believe and look for Jesus, when he was in coma.

After my uncle passed away, my granddad found out even everyone was hiding the truth from him. His old injury in his back hurts him badly and he got admitted into the hospital. Mum and her family are very busy settling and travelling and attending to different people and places.

I wanted to enjoy the Christmas, but I feel guilty, so I decided to stay home and do nothing, except on the Christmas eve, I went to church. Christmas carols always warm up my heart, I thank God earnestly for this ultimate gift of hope, that death has lost it's foothold, that one day in Jesus, we will be resurrected in glory, reunite with God eternally. The precious eternal hope, came in the form of the child in the manger... how I wished that everyone can just believe and accept it, because it's the only way that "works" and "make sense" for a bright future, overcoming sins and death.

Lonely. Deep down in my young heart wishes that myself can be at somewhere else, together with someone else, whether the place or people that I know or don't know yet. I want to explore, experience and enjoy the world, but under submission to Lord Jesus.

My 2010, I'm happy with it. I didn't expect too much since the past 2 years for me was quite rough. I thank God for His leading and guidance in my life through work, friends, colleagues, family and church. I must set a higher target for myself next year... may the Lord continue to lead.

Hope this phase will be over soon. 2011 is coming, hopefully it will be a more fruitful year for me. I just hope that everyone in the family will be ok, so that I can proceed to live out my life the max, for youth is going to be over soon... want to be as crazy as I can, to live out every possibilities... with the permission of the Lord above...

Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment. Ecclesiastes 11:9

Helplessness

my uncle is dying... he's losing his body temperature, blood pressure and heart beat. I need to go back to Malaysia tmrw afternoon and will never see him again. am extremely sad and helpless right now.

Shadow of Death

I don't know how to describe my feelings now... seeing loved one dying day by day is more heart-piercing than anything. he could pass away anytime, sometimes he seems ok, sometimes got to be well prepared, our mood is like roller-coaster... basically, there's no hope that he will recover or wake up anyway... it's just how soon he will be leaving us... please pray for my mum's family. need God desperately. Thank you.

Church day

found a church in kl through facebook. never know there's a beautiful church building right beside the merdeka square, in the centre of the city. there are many services going on at the same time such as traditional service and iban service before the contemporary service. i love the beautiful architecture, as well as i can see the whole sultan abdul samad building right opposite. the people I've met, the sermon they preach, and the books they lend totally meet my needs. best thing is they offer great books for lending like C.S. Lewis, DA Carson, John Piper, John Bunyan, Jerry Bridges, J.I. Packer, John Stott... you know you're at the right place when you see these books... oh forgot to mention the books that i've read like Shining like stars, out of the salt shaker, Desiring God... I feel at home, for real. many people attend different services but the contemporary service that i attend is quite small, for around 20-30 people, which is a great size because you can't escape without being known to others.

St. Mary Anglican Church

A great song they sang this morning:

Never Alone

1. We’re not alone, for Christ is here
Immanuel our God come near
We’re not alone, for to our world
Jesus has come, eternal Word.
And as he speaks, our souls laid bare
Naked, ashamed, sin is made clear
And yet he clothes us in his love
Never alone, Christ is with us, is with us.

2. The longest walk, earth’s darkest day
The pressing crowd, his mounting pain.
A heavy load of grief and shame
Breathless that we should breathe again.
“Father forgive them,” comes his cry
Silence from God blackens the sky.
A creeping dread in every heart
Lost in the world now God departs, God departs.

3. The dawn will come, the sun will rise
Out of the grave we’ll see hope’s light.
Tomb opened wide, stone rolled away
Morning has come, a brand new day.
“He isn’t here,” the angel said.
“He is alive no longer dead.”
Our hearts are lifted, souls raised high
Christ is with us, Christ is our life, he’s our life.

4. Never alone, is now our cry
In joy, in grief, in lonely sin.
Never alone, for Christ is ours
He lives in us, we live in him.
And ’til we reach that final day
When fears are gone, cast far away
We'll live secure, trust in his love,
Never alone, Christ is with us, he’s with us.

Lyrics: © 2006 Simone Richardson
Music: © 2006 Philip Percival

What a Friend We Have in Jesus | Joseph M. Scriven

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
   All our sins and griefs to bear!
   What a privilege to carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
   Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
   Oh, what needless pain we bear,
   All because we do not carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
2. Have we trials and temptations?
   Is there trouble anywhere?
   We should never be discouraged—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Can we find a friend so faithful,
   Who will all our sorrows share?
   Jesus knows our every weakness;
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
3. Are we weak and heavy-laden,
   Cumbered with a load of care?
   Precious Savior, still our refuge—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
   Take it to the Lord in prayer!
   In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
   Thou wilt find a solace there.
4. Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
   Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
   May we ever, Lord, be bringing
   All to Thee in earnest prayer.
   Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
   There will be no need for prayer—
   Rapture, praise, and endless worship
   Will be our sweet portion there.

Prayer Request

Dad just informed me that doctor declared my uncle brain dead... unless miracle happens perhaps he will never wake up again... my grandparents, uncle, aunt and my parents are struggling with this fact... I don't know what to say but I can feel their pain as if my own pain. Yet I know I must be strong, because my parents need me, to support them physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. Can't do anything for ones that you love, is actually that painful... God have mercy on us, we deserve all suffering because we have turned away from you, but please, I beg You for your grace and mercy that is found in Jesus, forgive us and heal our pain. Please bring my family into eternal salvation, we cannot live without You. You are the God who works miracles...

God controls

believing in God, at the same time knowing that you're having many many friends and loved ones do not believe in God is scary. especially the chances of losing them is higher...

please pray, for my uncle who is lying in the hospital after a major stroke. pray for my mum and her family who are worrying and stressing themselves. pray for my dad who is looking after them, after recovered from dengue fever only a few days ago.

pain of helplessness is overwhelming. the sense of guilt is heavy. only the slight hope in the grace of God in Christ sheds a little light that sustains me on.

if you can, believe in God, and tell people about God. it's the only purpose in our lives.

Father, comfort me and take away my fears, knowing that you're in full control, the God full of grace and mercy. Forgive my family, who lose heart on you, forgive my grandparents, who worship idols. You are the God who works miracles. I believe in you.

Helplessness

First time realising how useless worry is. Dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday for dengue fever. Was more relax earlier thinking that it will soon be over, but now looking at his tired face and weak body, I'm starting to feel the seriousness about it. Thoughts came across like how if daddy is not here anymore? It's a scary thought... Such fear arises and haunting my weak spirit. I love my dad very much, and I hope that he will live on and give me another chance to love him more.

I have been eating my words, that even I got my car I never been to church and serve God. I don't know how related it is to the suffering my family has been going through, but certainly the weight of guilt is pounding on me.

'what a friend we have in jesus...' this song was playing in my radio. Such surpassing comfort came through and a huge thought flashed in my mind - never take God's grace lightly, it was repaid with His own blood. There is no reason that God should heal my dad and help us, only by His grace and mercy. All I can do is to have faith in Christ and beg for His mercy.


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Struggles

Dearly Lord Father, may Your name be revered and praised at all times. Should I go to church tomorrow? Which church should I go to? Should I bring my parents along? Which domination? English or Chinese congregation?

Week by week I have been struggling with these questions. I feel immobilised.

Lord I love you, and I wish my family and friends find perfect joy in loving You too. I just don't know where and how to start. May You never give up on me. Even when I'm forgetful of Your goodness...

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Moments of confession

I'm desperate for a holiday. Not because I want to see something new, but rather to keep myself busy and avoid certain things in life. Maybe it's a sin to pretend to be busy, it is. How far can I runaway from my feelings and intentions? Am I hiding here or really up to something? I don't know. What is real and what is temporal? I'm confused. Somehow, part of me chose to stay in the past and refused to move on. Yet part of me eagerly marching forward to rewrite new stories in life. Perhaps there will be a point of time that I will be torn up by this tension. Or I will be so stretchable and find a balance in between (the past and the future).

Just like Cobb in the movie 'Inception' where part of him stuck in his dream and couldn't get over it. Perhaps part of me stuck in my memory. Perhaps I should go inside my memory, or dream, and say bye to the important person there, if I can ever make it happen. Because he is not real, he is just part of my memory.

I'm going to Seoul

A step closer to my dream again. Thank God for creating little miracles in my life, displaying his gracefulness, generosity, and wonderful love for me. I love Him and I need Him.


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Cats in the East Coast

(Seal) Kiss From A Rose - Sungha Jung

Cuti-cuti Malaysia

Haven't been writing for a long time, hence please forgive my funny English and grammar... well, I have been busy recently, mainly work but at the same time find time to have fun in between. I traveled to Cameron highlands and the East Coast recently.

Cameron trip was a fun one, just chilled out with my workmates for the weekend. Having holiday in Malaysia is different than travelling to other countries, cos I can completely relax and enjoy and not afraid being missed out on anything, because I can go back anytime. The funness of Cameron trip is the people, having fun with a whole bunch of nice people and do silly things together.

Boh Tea Plantation, Cameron Highlands

Kelantan trip was inspiring and refreshing. There were things which were familiar and not so familiar to me...

Foods of Kelantan

Budu - smelly fish sauce of Kelantan, goes with ulam (fresh raw veges)

Nasi Ulam - gotta use your fingers to get the best taste of it!

Keng Som - Thai spicy fish

Mongolian fried chicken

Mango Kerabu

Chili and cucumber dipping sauce for chicken legs

Yummy Kampung chicken legs

Ikan bakar

Nasi dagang (Trade rice) and Nasi Minyak (Oily rice) of Kota Bharu

Etok!!!

Sup Perut (Soup with beef organs!)

Foods of Perhentian

BBQ squid with percik sauce

Fried fish (self caught)

Ulam

Ikan Bakar

More updates when I have more time... time for bed now *yawns*...

Perhentian

How do you describe heaven? If wedding is the mirror of the union of Christ and His people, then perhentians is the place where mirrored the beauty of heaven. Colourful fishes and corals, wonderful people, crystal clear unpolluted sea water, powder soft sandy beach, imagine how wonderful heaven is like. Maybe in heaven I know how to swim naturally like fishes and never get tired and eaten by sharks. Perhaps in heaven everyone will enjoy their work to the fullest with complete equality. Maybe everyone respects each other, and more than that, pure love. Maybe everyone has the capacity to appreciate hence fully comprehend God's grace. When people has a glorified body, perhaps they can worship God by knowing His perfect wonder, and receive the highest level of joy. That's the place where people never get tired serving and loving each other. That's a place where everyone shares the same belief. That's a place where there's no mosquitoes! (I just killed 2 when I was typing this).


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Sun

Something's missing by John Mayer

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check- Money -check-
A well slept -check- Opposite sex -check- Guitar -check- Microphone -check- Messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

GPS

Okay it has been a long while since I last updated my blog here... well... how should I describe my life at the moment? I got a car, which makes me happy and much more convenient in getting around the city. But... it's like there is a place /destination where I wanted to reach, therefore I start doing everything, I get a job, I bought a car, but then half way through, I'd forgotten why am I doing all this things? Where am I going to? Then I keep driving and driving, then a road sign caught my attention, then I just follow where the sign leads to... then I see another road sign, then I follow that way... then I keep driving and driving... sometimes I might receive some enjoyment along the way, but I'd totally forgotten why am I driving at the first place, and why am I here... Then I need a GPS, to key in my destination and follow it so that I will reach the right place.

I know having a relationship with God is the key of joyfulness, but why is it so hard to make myself to listen from Him? K I just need to pray and read the Word, and fellowship with other believers, yet it looks like a huge mountain to climb - seems overwhelmingly hard. Afraid of commitment? Scared of disappointment? Perhaps. But my life and relationships will never get in the right place until I've settled my relationship with God.

The more (materials) I get in life, the emptier the soul it seems. I can never be rich enough, pretty enough, smart enough, savvy enough compared with others. There are always someone better out there. Self-contented? Nah don't lie to yourself. What makes you self-contented? What is your dream? What do you want to achieve in life? What is your life purpose? Who created you and why? Where will you be in afterlife? Start think about it again and it might get you back into the right track.

Maslow's and God's hierarchy

All things are possible. it's about timing, and if God's willing. So there's fulfillment for bottom three levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Not necessary biblical, but this seems workable for me, and I'm searching for the top 2 now, esteem and self-actualisation. Yet I believe God has different priorities for the five needs and they come in different order. Perhaps in God, the triangle is upside down, from widest top to narrow bottom:

1. A relationship with God, knowing who He is and why are you here for.

2. Confidence in Christ, by knowing the purpose of soul redemption and recognising one's identity.

3. Fellowship with believers/Christ followers, by loving, serving and enjoying one another.

4. Fulfillment in serving God, taking part in His work of making disciples.

5. Experiencing God's grace and miracles in life.

Why man can't find fulfillment once he secures his life and having everything he needs? I know without God, I can never be fulfill the highest level in Maslow's hierarchy - self-actualisation, because there's no meaning to it without God. Am definitely not a good Christian but I got to admit life has no meaning without God. It will be another word for "self-actualisation" in God's hierarchy. It would be "joy-in-union"? or "submission in complete joyfulness"?

Thoughts for the moment

Indeed only in times of desperation and despair will draw me closer to God. Trying not to find all sorts of excuses but to say sorry to Him, and to make time and space to give thanks and worship Him. Life has been good so far and really thankful for things He has given. I shall not forget Him in times of 'abundance' and remember those times in 'poverty', He has been faithful. Am eyeing on a contemporary church seems not so strange to me, it's near my house and I'll try it out once I have my own car. Lord, I think it is the good and right time for me to come back, since I have been through certain things outside and walked with your faithful servants, I'll be more able to hold my character and remain conscious in the midst of worldly temptations. I won't say tomorrow will be the same or better, or I expect tomorrow will be better, for I understood this life is temporal, yet I give thanks to the Lord for his graciousness towards me in life until now. The promise is certain, the hope is reality, yet the road to there is unknown. Yet I need not be afraid, because I know that He will be always by my side until everlasting.

Transitions

Am feeling weird as my emotional state is going through some sort of "hormone-like" changes after start working. It's a time to adjust myself and fit into the environment. Just because I care, I try to handle relationships with colleagues and superiors carefully. As a semi-newbie in the corporate world, it is not so easy, at least not as easy as I thought when first stepping into my first job. I learnt to be humble, learnt to bow my head, learnt to submit, but my heart looks to God, as if I work for Christ alone. I'm still feeling like a weirdo, try to be cool but not so cool, try to be myself but not so myself. It takes time to stabilise. Like a boat going through a windy, narrow river, try not to hit the shore, that is how I feel. Try not to make mistake, try not to offend anyone, try to blend. It's ok, it takes time, I'll get used to it. So far, I like this job, and enjoy it. I am very grateful to God's answer to my prayers. I hope I be a light and salt for Christ in my workplace.

Next things to come up: buying a car, finding a church. May the Lord guides.

Malaysians are getting there...

This is the day that I can keep my head up high and telling the world that I'm proud of being a Malaysian! On my way back home from work this evening, something amazed me at the LRT platform... everyone was queuing orderly waiting for the train! Well, perhaps in other developed countries that was something so common that not worthy of mentioning at all. Yet in Malaysia, where we need public advocacy to make us more considerate, courteous and 'civilised' in many ways, that was something encouraging to see. Compared to our neighbouring country, which their citizens were trained or 'forced' to adhere to their advanced crowd control systems, I like to see our people being considerate and orderly out of their own good will. What if our streets are as clean as our neighbouring country even without enforcing strict laws on littering? What if we maintain our Malaysian friendliness and hospitality even when are quickly advancing ourselves into a more developed and competitive nation? What if we become more considerate while driving and learn to give way to each other? I'm sure we have a great potential to surpass many countries in terms of quality of living and social harmony (and of course I love the weather... and many other things!). Keep it up Malaysia, I believe you can make it!

Brushing Up My Writing

I know I'm on my way to my dream, but how long, how hard, and what I need to overcome on this path, I do not know yet. I was being assigned some writing jobs at work during my first week. Writing, something came through my mind before, but never dared to dream about. I remembered my English tutor at the Learning Centre took much effort trying to correct my grammatical mistakes (whoops I hope my boss is not reading this), and I did try hard to improve and write more stuffs after that. Okay, perhaps my grammar is not perfect, but I think it's good enough, understandable. Next, creative writing - being creative, being catchy. Well that's a huge challenge. I have to think of some catchy phrase to catch the reader's attention and make something boring like science interesting to read on. I enjoy the thrill of the excitement of being 'entrusted', challenged and 'seeing' my writings on the publications and other media channels. Yet I'm aware of the difficulties might come along and at times when things just doesn't seem right - for example, being stuck and no inspiration to write.

Am I thinking too much? Perhaps. It's good to have some self realisation. (?) By now I just have to read more, write more and get inspired more. I can see the person I want to be, my dream, as a nutrition writer, an educator, someone who can make a difference. I know where I am now, and it can't be done without God's interventions (not that He needs to perform a huge miracle), but I can only say that if the Lord wills, the dream can be achieved, and all the glory goes to Him. Ultimately, I hope my life will mean something, for being part of His work on earth, and what I do, what I dreamt of, will never ever be done in vain.

I am serving the Lord Christ

Received a call this morning for an interview tomorrow! First job interview for the year *sweats*. Read about Abraham's servant in searching for Rebekkah this morning and learnt this verse from Colossians 3:22~24:

Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Oh it hits me straight away. I like the last phrase: I am serving the Lord Christ! Amen!

Ecclesiastes 12:1

Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
"I find no pleasure in them"

Lil thought

Not to do what I perceived as what I can do, but to do what God tells me to do, according to the potential which He has placed in me.

Missing New Zealand

Have some friends going to New Zealand recently and it stirs up my heart and makes me want to go back again. I left the country and refused to go back due to some personal reasons and not so good memories near the end of my stay. Yet now I am able to put it down and start remembering all the good things that happened before and people who has been kind to me. I do not know when I will be back again to that land under long white cloud where seems so far away, but I always feel that part of me has never left...

sheep, cows, lambs, ewes, mountains, lakes, kiwis, cherries, berries, queenstown, bungee, gondola, arrowtown, te anau, mirror lakes, milford sound, doubtful sound, nakedbus, tramping, walking tracks, riverton, invercargill, christmas, helicopter, cafe, restaurant, massey, ocf, bikes, fresh air, winter, ski, cold, grace city church, baptism, lectures, assignments, graduation, latte art, library, gorge, windfarm, foxton, marae, easter camp, tscf conference, slc, road trips, wine, dolphins, seals, albatross, whales, fantails, kowhai, cabbage tree, maori, kia ora, pounamu, hangi, hongi, kapiti ice cream, ambrosia, pavlova, potluck, ball, themed parties, movie nights, phnom penh, plaza, sakura festival, cherry blossoms, victoria esplanade, te papa, christchurch, casino, dunedin, octagon, southern lakes, queen charlotte sound, lake manapouri, manapouri water station, humpridge track, kepler track, tourists, new year eves, christmas carols, orientation, kiwi culture night, international food night, ski trip, barbeque, sausages, steak, speights, tui, brooke fraser, op shop, evermore, all blacks, black caps, all whites, tall blacks, rugby, cricket, pohutukawa, kahawai, herings, whitebait, snapper, fishing, easter, jaffas, cadbury, chocolates, hot water bottles, saturday markets, countdown, whitcoulls, pak n save, new world, woolworths, bnz, national bank, new zealand post, lotto, oyster bay merlot, sauvingnon blanc, gewurtztramminer, cocktails, spring, roses, bible studies, prayer meetings, driving, chinese shop, cafe cuba, chillatos, cha, shapeshifter, powderfinger, cinderella, swan lake...

not that they all happened to me but I just remembered those stuff, of course all the people related to them as well...

Lessons today

Human often find it hard to believe that God protects and saves us according to His grace. We tend to try to protect ourselves with our own ways.

When I thought, "my foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. Ps 94:18

Watch and pray that you may not enter temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Mk 14:38

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. 1 Cor. 10:12

If we are faithless, he remains faithful. 2 Tim. 2:13

With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Mt 19:26

Jesus model for prayer teaches us first to get in harmony with the divine purpose. Once you understand that, you won't treat God as if He were some utilitarian genie who is stuck granting your wishes because He promised you riches in Christ - and you won't view prayer quite as selfishly. - 'Lord, teach me to pray', John MacArthur

a little confession

Met a friend yesterday while shopping with family at a mall. Haven't seen her for a while, but she is someone who is special to me, like competitor, like enemy, like friend. I just want to say that, it hurts me when I get the impression of her trying to judge or value me while I said I have been rested since half a year ago after quitting my job. After she told me about herself pursuing Masters in UK and another friend working in States (achieving her dreams), I said to her in an envious tone, 'you girls met great opportunities'. Perhaps she had misunderstood me as if I thought that they can do what they are doing now because of plain luck. She said to me, 'we both worked very hard and suffered in order to survive our dreams". Suddenly I felt an invisible arrow stabbing my chest, ouch! So I lived a good life and deserve what I get right now? Argh... perhaps we were talking in different channels, it seems that we kept misunderstanding each other since the first day we met.

It is harder to accept the fact that perhaps she's right. I never worked hard enough to reach my goals, perhaps I do not have a goal at all. Even myself looking at myself as 'lazy, not contributing to the society, sucking from my family, useless etc etc.'. No one understands that I tried everything. Of course I want to get into a proper job as soon as possible, as soon as before I quit my previous job. Somehow I feel that I was not ready for another work commitment both physically and mentally. What is my value, what can I contribute to the society? I asked the question to God 'what can I do for God' many many times before, but I failed to retrieve the answer. My faith is at the edge, is fading, I agree with Jesus and the gospel, but I can't seem relate it to my life anymore. Since I couldn't find a balance between being a Christian and being in the world, I find myself weary and disappointed. People around taught me many things in order to survive in the harsh business world, Jesus taught me other things, but I do not have enough wisdom to live in integrity and adapt in secular environment at the same time not looking stupid. It's not that I don't want to look stupid, or being Christian is stupid, but I make a Christian looking stupid by doing what I did before.

The only motivation for me to find a job now is to pay debts, even though no one asks me for it. I can only say that I hate the world, I hate being in the world. What is being me while there is nothing good about me? I find that being 'utilitarian' is more effective than standing for own principles. Being a freshman has no right to insist on her principles, only obedience and submission to authorities. There is no right or wrong in the business world, only what is rewarding and what is not. It's a taboo to appear weak and not confident in self, I tried but it's just too tired to pretend that I'm strong.

Perhaps I am too far from what I want to be, it seems unachievable. What is success? What is success according to God? What is success from the point of the world's view? Is my life aim to be success, or to be obedient to the Lord's will? Some says to be success is obedient to God, to give glory to God. Some say to suffer for God is to obedient to God. Some say God has planted the dreams in our hearts so that we will pursue them. Some say we must do everything in order allowing God to work in our lives. If God is real, how will he talk to me? Is my sins too great for me to approach Him? Am I not sincere enough when I confess my sins to Jesus and ask for His forgiveness? Am I suppose to wait until his timing that he will answer one day? Or should I proceed to pursue what I perceive as success by following my heart? Not everyone can afford integrity.

Greatness of God

How I grieved when I heard my mum said "Buddhism is good, the way the Buddhist see things are beautiful, their arts, photography has wonderfully expressed the beauty of something we never realized for, unlike Christians trying to use music create a fake atmosphere and fake glory". I said to mum, "Mum, God is the one who created everything, His glory is something way beautiful that we can never imagine, everything beautiful comes from the Lord". Yet I feel so ashamed of myself, that I have failed to reflect His beauty in my life, I live indifferently just as good as others who don't know the Lord. How we as Christians reflect the glory of God? Instead of using the technology to create the "high and spiritual (drunken)" atmosphere during worship service, is there any other way we can perceive and reflect the glory of God? How when we don't idolize things and materialize God while we can help people to see God as He is? It is good but disturbing to understand that there is no other way but read the Bible and learn the Word of God and let the Word itself through the Spirit touch each individual's heart.

If law is the heart of Islam, morale and discipline is the heart of modern Buddhism, then love is the heart of Christianity. Out of love we obey the laws, out of love we discipline ourselves, out of love we do good and expect nothing in return, because Christ has gave out His everything on the Cross. God loves us, therefore he created us, and appointed his only Son to die and rose again. We cannot explain the difference of Christianity than other religions unless we focus on the Cross. We all have turned away from God and deserved to be punished for our rebellion (declares ourselves god) and be separated from God forever. Yet the Lord choose to save us by punishing His own son, who came as God embodied in flesh, lived a life full with temptations but remained sinless, and willingly to accept the inhuman treatment, stricken, afflicted and took the pain and bleed by nailed on the cross, in order to take up the wrath of God on our behalf, so that in believing Him we can escape the eternal condemnation. This is called grace, not cheap grace that costs nothing and can give to anyone, but grace that is given by his precious blood to those who believe in Christ.

Islam requires their believers to adhere to the laws in order to enter the paradise with 7 virgins, Buddhism requires people to do good in order to rid their 'sins' so that they can incarnate to a higher being in the next life, but Christianity requires us to repent, to turn back from our sins and believe that Jesus is the Son of God, so that we can be accepted by God eternally. Which is greater? Discipline that is being demanded in order to exchange for something, or obedience that is prompted by the sacrificial love and glory of God?

We bless others by overflowing our blessings from God, but at first have we receive His blessings and recognizing them? Blessings of knowing who He is, the joy of knowing that God is with us and in us, and the privilege of serving Him along with other believers.

Father, I have failed to reflect your light and glory when people can't see joy and goodness in my life. I can't retrieve my understanding of You when I don't open the Bible and hear from you. I can't love others while I am blinded from your love for me. I can't tell others about you when I am ashamed of my failures as a Christian. Lord, discipline me because I want to keep myself close to you, and keep my eyes and ears opened to your light and voice. I surrender my guilt, shamefulness and fears so that I can receive your grace. Let me keep my faith and keep myself holy so that people can see the difference of me being a Christian. Hide me behind the cross and humble me under your knees so that I will never swell up to pride. Set me free as your Child, therefore not being controlled by tricks of the devil again. In Christ's holy name, Amen.

My Soul Thirsts for You

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land when there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

But those who seek to destroy my life

shall go down into the depths of the earth;

they shall be given over to the power of the sword;

they shall be a portion for jackals.

But the king shall rejoice in God;

all who swear by him shall exult,

for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

Psalm 63, ESV

It's my birthday

It's my birthday. Somehow I feel emotional and down instead of happy and excited. Where am I now in life? Where am I going? I'm telling myself not to hope for people or thing that will not come. I should turn to the Lord and place my hope in Him. I don't want to be the same state on my birthday again. Thank God at least I'm at home and will spend the day with friends and family. I pray that I will get up and move on. I pray that I will know, enjoy and love God more. I pray that I will be a blessing for people who come across in life. I pray that I will be healthier, stronger and confident. Want to be a good witness.

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Mountains

What is reality and what is not? Am I trying to confront it or runaway from it? What is God's will? What is my will? What does God want and what do I really want to do in life? I have been searching for these answers for many many months. No one can understand my struggles, I know He can, but when is He going to end my frustration? Like Jake in Avatar, I feel crippled in my real life, I believe there is a perfect world to live in like Pandora, but my crippled self doesn't allow me to enter and enjoy it. On one hand I'm frustrated with reality of life, therefore I indulged in entertainment medias, games and house chores to kill time. On the other hand I know there is an ideal life that I can enjoy, but I have nothing to deserve to enter it, I feel useless.

The Truth tells me that I am to suffer in this world, and if I believe in Christ, no servant is higher than his master, and if Christ is persecuted, why do I expect myself to be exempted? Yet it looks like a huge mountain in front of me blocking my way, I feel very weak, helpless, and do not have the courage to climb. My experience tells me that no one is going to look into my true heart and feelings in the real world, it is just a trade between my time and ability and financial reward. I'm craving for happiness, true sharing between people, integrity and respect, and somehow I believed that it cannot be found in secular workplace, not to mention the extremely few days of leave. I don't want that kind of life, I don't want to do things that I can never enjoy and shake my conscience. I don't want to fake myself to please the people I don't like. I don't want to be a bad witness at work for Christ... my body can't handle long hours shift, I can't focus, I can't manage, I am stressed easily... all these 'mountains' I need to overcome...

I turned to the Lord many times, I said, 'Lord, please help me, I want to be constantly joyful because I know that you are in control, and I surrender myself to you, including all my cares and burdens. I want to take up my cross and follow you.' But there is still no answer... Why is strength from family and friends support my faith instead the other way round? Why at the same time I don't want anything from this world but I want everything? Should I dream of everything I want or dream nothing except the Kingdom of heaven?

Other than the Holy Spirit I pray for someone in my life who is able to coach, guide, lead, and support me in my spiritual and work life at the same time. My dream is global ministry, to meet people of every tribe and tongue in the world, and to serve God with a strong and humbled heart. May the Lord opens the door and lead me to the path which brings meaning of everlasting.

Kitty doesn't love me

I'm little upset that the kitty I look after all this while still choose his master over myself...


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Geek in the Pink

C.N.Blue Debut Performance

Green rocks!

I like green. Green is my colour of the year. =p

God's Promise and Abram's Faith

To be frank I have been slacking in doing quiet time lately. However, today I knew as I study Genesis 15 it will have something great for me to learn and meditate upon. It is about God's covenant with Abram. Background of the story is that Abram and Sarai were old and remain childless after childbearing age, they had no heir except a member of the household. Because of that Abram was in great fear, for no heir from himself, and disputes maybe waged among his household in order to inherit his possessions (my own thought). Then God came and said to Abram, "Fear not, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great." But Abram said, "O Lord God, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?" And Abram said, "Behold, you have given me no offspring, and a member of my household will be my heir." And the word of the Lord came to him: "This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir." And he brought him outside and said, “Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them. (I pictured God look like a loving Father gently showing Abram what he will be given)" And Abram believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness. Then the Lord instruct Abram what he suppose to do and what will happen after.

"Abram believed the Lord", what a powerful statement. That's all Abram need to do. In Romans 4:4-5 says that, 'to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift but as his due. And to the one who does not work but trusts him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness.' (I tried to use that as my excuse for not working but it doesn't really work that way)

v13 'For the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be the heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith. For if it is the adherents of the law who are to be the heirs, faith is null and the promise is void. For the law bring wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression.'

'In hope Abraham believed against hope, he did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (this is funny as quoted directly from the Bible), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. That is why his faith was "counted to him as righteousness". But the words "it was counted to him" were not written for his sake alone, but for ours also. It will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord, who was delivered up for trespasses and raised for our justification.

What amazes me is later at night God made a physical covenant with Abram to assert his promise. What a loving act! Our faith is never strong enough to fully believe what God has promised us, but he made it fair and understandable that He made the covenant with Abraham, in sync with the rainbow covenant He made with Noah after the flood. Who are we but tiny creatures made by God? Yet He swore by Himself (for no one greater by whom to swear). In Hebrews 6:13-18 it says that for people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie (his character), we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

I don't know how clear my message transcript from the Bible is, but three things I learnt today:

1. God is loving and gracious in giving hope and promises.

2. God wants nothing from us but Faith alone (glory to God alone).

3. God is unchangeable and loving enough to make a covenant to convince us that His promise will never change.

For us, the promise is eternal life where there is no pain, no hurt, no tears, no sin and perfect unity in God's Kingdom. The covenant has been done through the death and resurrection of Jesus. My struggle is that thinking God will punish me for not pleasing him and try to make things perfect, especially in the eyes of the world I am considered as failure. But the Lord says to me, "It's okay child, I will have mercy on whom I have mercy. It is utterly up to me whether to bless you or not, not depending on your works and adherence to laws, but according to my own grace and mercy. When I promised you the eternal life when you gave your life to Jesus, it is a covenant between us, it will never change. I will give you what I will give you, I will take away what I will take away from you, apart from me you can do nothing. All you need to do is to love me with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength."

Thank you Lord for you are such Mighty Awesome God. There is none like you, I can't find such love besides you. You are the Way, Truth and Life. May I walk with You in Faith for the rest of my life. In Your name, Amen.

Note: Bible passage taken from The Holy Bible English Standard Version and cross references provided by Search the Scriptures, edited by Stibbs, IVP.

A.N.JELL

Never have this heart pounding feeling for a long time. I'm too involved with the Korean drama till I don't know how to live my life anymore. The storyline, the colours, the music, the actors and actresses were too goodlooking and shiny, and young! Well somehow I hope to go back to high school or college, at least not envious about the colourful lives among the youth. In compare, my life at the moment is so dry and boring.

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Lost

Just silently said goodbye to 2009, starting 2010. I haven't really got any new year resolution, nor any proper plan in life yet. After coming back from Vietnam, after watching a whole series of fun Korean drama, I feel very empty. Deep in my heart is aching, for not able to take any step forward to the life I intend to live. What do I really want? It's about time to move out from my parents' house, and move on. To where?I don't know. It is so scary, next year I will be 25, and I will become 30 soon. What have I achieved in life? What did I enjoyed as a young person? Suddenly I want to go to Korea, japan, or Taiwan. To experience the young heart pop culture there. I want to learn a new language, I want to be a translator. I want to be free to enjoy what I do. Never want to be tied up by enslaved in conventional job. But everything seems far and impossible to reach. Suddenly I can't remember what a normal life suppose to look like, what friends are, what is romantic relationship, it's just... Nothing, blank. Who do i live for? Who keeps me going? Someone pull me out from this dark pit please, don't want to be sunken forever.



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