Malaysians are getting there...

This is the day that I can keep my head up high and telling the world that I'm proud of being a Malaysian! On my way back home from work this evening, something amazed me at the LRT platform... everyone was queuing orderly waiting for the train! Well, perhaps in other developed countries that was something so common that not worthy of mentioning at all. Yet in Malaysia, where we need public advocacy to make us more considerate, courteous and 'civilised' in many ways, that was something encouraging to see. Compared to our neighbouring country, which their citizens were trained or 'forced' to adhere to their advanced crowd control systems, I like to see our people being considerate and orderly out of their own good will. What if our streets are as clean as our neighbouring country even without enforcing strict laws on littering? What if we maintain our Malaysian friendliness and hospitality even when are quickly advancing ourselves into a more developed and competitive nation? What if we become more considerate while driving and learn to give way to each other? I'm sure we have a great potential to surpass many countries in terms of quality of living and social harmony (and of course I love the weather... and many other things!). Keep it up Malaysia, I believe you can make it!

Brushing Up My Writing

I know I'm on my way to my dream, but how long, how hard, and what I need to overcome on this path, I do not know yet. I was being assigned some writing jobs at work during my first week. Writing, something came through my mind before, but never dared to dream about. I remembered my English tutor at the Learning Centre took much effort trying to correct my grammatical mistakes (whoops I hope my boss is not reading this), and I did try hard to improve and write more stuffs after that. Okay, perhaps my grammar is not perfect, but I think it's good enough, understandable. Next, creative writing - being creative, being catchy. Well that's a huge challenge. I have to think of some catchy phrase to catch the reader's attention and make something boring like science interesting to read on. I enjoy the thrill of the excitement of being 'entrusted', challenged and 'seeing' my writings on the publications and other media channels. Yet I'm aware of the difficulties might come along and at times when things just doesn't seem right - for example, being stuck and no inspiration to write.

Am I thinking too much? Perhaps. It's good to have some self realisation. (?) By now I just have to read more, write more and get inspired more. I can see the person I want to be, my dream, as a nutrition writer, an educator, someone who can make a difference. I know where I am now, and it can't be done without God's interventions (not that He needs to perform a huge miracle), but I can only say that if the Lord wills, the dream can be achieved, and all the glory goes to Him. Ultimately, I hope my life will mean something, for being part of His work on earth, and what I do, what I dreamt of, will never ever be done in vain.

I am serving the Lord Christ

Received a call this morning for an interview tomorrow! First job interview for the year *sweats*. Read about Abraham's servant in searching for Rebekkah this morning and learnt this verse from Colossians 3:22~24:

Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Oh it hits me straight away. I like the last phrase: I am serving the Lord Christ! Amen!

Ecclesiastes 12:1

Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
"I find no pleasure in them"

Lil thought

Not to do what I perceived as what I can do, but to do what God tells me to do, according to the potential which He has placed in me.

Missing New Zealand

Have some friends going to New Zealand recently and it stirs up my heart and makes me want to go back again. I left the country and refused to go back due to some personal reasons and not so good memories near the end of my stay. Yet now I am able to put it down and start remembering all the good things that happened before and people who has been kind to me. I do not know when I will be back again to that land under long white cloud where seems so far away, but I always feel that part of me has never left...

sheep, cows, lambs, ewes, mountains, lakes, kiwis, cherries, berries, queenstown, bungee, gondola, arrowtown, te anau, mirror lakes, milford sound, doubtful sound, nakedbus, tramping, walking tracks, riverton, invercargill, christmas, helicopter, cafe, restaurant, massey, ocf, bikes, fresh air, winter, ski, cold, grace city church, baptism, lectures, assignments, graduation, latte art, library, gorge, windfarm, foxton, marae, easter camp, tscf conference, slc, road trips, wine, dolphins, seals, albatross, whales, fantails, kowhai, cabbage tree, maori, kia ora, pounamu, hangi, hongi, kapiti ice cream, ambrosia, pavlova, potluck, ball, themed parties, movie nights, phnom penh, plaza, sakura festival, cherry blossoms, victoria esplanade, te papa, christchurch, casino, dunedin, octagon, southern lakes, queen charlotte sound, lake manapouri, manapouri water station, humpridge track, kepler track, tourists, new year eves, christmas carols, orientation, kiwi culture night, international food night, ski trip, barbeque, sausages, steak, speights, tui, brooke fraser, op shop, evermore, all blacks, black caps, all whites, tall blacks, rugby, cricket, pohutukawa, kahawai, herings, whitebait, snapper, fishing, easter, jaffas, cadbury, chocolates, hot water bottles, saturday markets, countdown, whitcoulls, pak n save, new world, woolworths, bnz, national bank, new zealand post, lotto, oyster bay merlot, sauvingnon blanc, gewurtztramminer, cocktails, spring, roses, bible studies, prayer meetings, driving, chinese shop, cafe cuba, chillatos, cha, shapeshifter, powderfinger, cinderella, swan lake...

not that they all happened to me but I just remembered those stuff, of course all the people related to them as well...

Lessons today

Human often find it hard to believe that God protects and saves us according to His grace. We tend to try to protect ourselves with our own ways.

When I thought, "my foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. Ps 94:18

Watch and pray that you may not enter temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Mk 14:38

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. 1 Cor. 10:12

If we are faithless, he remains faithful. 2 Tim. 2:13

With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Mt 19:26

Jesus model for prayer teaches us first to get in harmony with the divine purpose. Once you understand that, you won't treat God as if He were some utilitarian genie who is stuck granting your wishes because He promised you riches in Christ - and you won't view prayer quite as selfishly. - 'Lord, teach me to pray', John MacArthur

a little confession

Met a friend yesterday while shopping with family at a mall. Haven't seen her for a while, but she is someone who is special to me, like competitor, like enemy, like friend. I just want to say that, it hurts me when I get the impression of her trying to judge or value me while I said I have been rested since half a year ago after quitting my job. After she told me about herself pursuing Masters in UK and another friend working in States (achieving her dreams), I said to her in an envious tone, 'you girls met great opportunities'. Perhaps she had misunderstood me as if I thought that they can do what they are doing now because of plain luck. She said to me, 'we both worked very hard and suffered in order to survive our dreams". Suddenly I felt an invisible arrow stabbing my chest, ouch! So I lived a good life and deserve what I get right now? Argh... perhaps we were talking in different channels, it seems that we kept misunderstanding each other since the first day we met.

It is harder to accept the fact that perhaps she's right. I never worked hard enough to reach my goals, perhaps I do not have a goal at all. Even myself looking at myself as 'lazy, not contributing to the society, sucking from my family, useless etc etc.'. No one understands that I tried everything. Of course I want to get into a proper job as soon as possible, as soon as before I quit my previous job. Somehow I feel that I was not ready for another work commitment both physically and mentally. What is my value, what can I contribute to the society? I asked the question to God 'what can I do for God' many many times before, but I failed to retrieve the answer. My faith is at the edge, is fading, I agree with Jesus and the gospel, but I can't seem relate it to my life anymore. Since I couldn't find a balance between being a Christian and being in the world, I find myself weary and disappointed. People around taught me many things in order to survive in the harsh business world, Jesus taught me other things, but I do not have enough wisdom to live in integrity and adapt in secular environment at the same time not looking stupid. It's not that I don't want to look stupid, or being Christian is stupid, but I make a Christian looking stupid by doing what I did before.

The only motivation for me to find a job now is to pay debts, even though no one asks me for it. I can only say that I hate the world, I hate being in the world. What is being me while there is nothing good about me? I find that being 'utilitarian' is more effective than standing for own principles. Being a freshman has no right to insist on her principles, only obedience and submission to authorities. There is no right or wrong in the business world, only what is rewarding and what is not. It's a taboo to appear weak and not confident in self, I tried but it's just too tired to pretend that I'm strong.

Perhaps I am too far from what I want to be, it seems unachievable. What is success? What is success according to God? What is success from the point of the world's view? Is my life aim to be success, or to be obedient to the Lord's will? Some says to be success is obedient to God, to give glory to God. Some say to suffer for God is to obedient to God. Some say God has planted the dreams in our hearts so that we will pursue them. Some say we must do everything in order allowing God to work in our lives. If God is real, how will he talk to me? Is my sins too great for me to approach Him? Am I not sincere enough when I confess my sins to Jesus and ask for His forgiveness? Am I suppose to wait until his timing that he will answer one day? Or should I proceed to pursue what I perceive as success by following my heart? Not everyone can afford integrity.