Quarterlife crisis

人生苦短 Early mid life crisis

我的人生，难道在23岁就结束了吗？明年就24了，人生还是一无所成。当年迷信自己的实力，相信自己一定会有个成功的人生。今年还没，也许时机未到，等明年吧，这样年复一年，才发现自己又回到当初的原点，裹足不前。打拼好吗？自己的努力一定会得到回馈吗？付出好吗？一定会有收获吗？成功好吗？成功不会有失败的一天吗？只有为神而活，才不会白费宝贵的人生。然而，神的旨意为何呢？倘若神让我有选择，我选择什么呢？我宁愿自己没有选择，但实在不想再受到欺负，可世态炎凉，人心险恶，我能相信谁呢？谁会珍惜我的真心呢？不想和人斗，也无力与人斗，所以自己仍然躲在家里，远离伤害。我也许不能成功，但我能把风险降到最低。可这又有什么意义呢？

Will my life end in year 23? I'll be 24 next year, yet I achieved nothing. I believed in my capabilities, I believed that I can be a successful person and have a great life in earlier time. If not this year, perhaps next year I'll do something incredible. Year after year, life is still the same. Nothing has been done, I returned to the beginning, point of zero. Will my hardwork definitely be rewarded? Will my givings be returned? Will failure never come after success? I knew that to not waste life is to live for God. But what does God wants me to do? If God has given me freedom of choices, what should I choose? Sometimes I rather have no choice, yet I'm tired of competitions, cause the world is a jungle, the arena to fight for survival. Therefore I'm still sitting at home, away from harm. Perhaps I will never succeed, but I can minimise the risk, but is there any meaning to any of these?

I love my hummus

I always wanted to make my own hummus, because it is not easy to get here and the imported ones are quite expensive. After gathering my basic ingredients, yesterday I finally put my thoughts into action. It is so yummy having it with prata or any bread. The following are my ingredients:

Dried chickpeas (Soaked overnight and boiled in water with a pinch of salt for over 1 hour)

Few cloves of garlic

Fresh lime juice (can't find lemon)

Salt and Pepper

Olive oil

Another variation was added

Black Sesame Powder (got it from Daiso, cheaper than tahini)

Dried parsley

Blend the ingredients together with some water (I use the one from boiling chickpeas to optimise the nutrition). :)

The 'real' hummus includes lemon juice, tahini, and some cumin or paprika.

Can try it at home, it's a healthier substitute for fat or sugar based spreads. Try it with baked pita or baked tortilla chips (I'm yet to try). Enjoy. :)

God is good

Recently I have been trying to calm my emotions and thoughts and review my life and relationship with God and others. It's good that I have been away from home and start thinking on my own. Firstly, I have to be honest that I have not been spending enough quality time with the Lord. Although I struggle every morning whether to do quiet time or not, mostly I either gave into other activities or I simply unable to focus on the Word. I came to Singapore purposely for KKR revival meeting. Deep inside me know strongly that I have to come here because I am no longer discipline enough to go near the Lord. Therefore, I sacrificed the celebration of mid-autumn festival with my parents for this event because I knew the Lord wants me to be here. It's good to see my friends and people from the church again. I feel like a 'prodigal son', that I have not done anything nor offer any kind of physical help towards the success of KKR event, yet they still welcomed me as if I had done something great. I feel much humbled by everyone here, by their devotion and commitment to the Lord's work.

Secondly, I decided to move on. I knew I should not stop at this point for too long because time doesn't wait, I will become old, and I will pass away some day, or the world will fade away. How much time I have on earth to serve the Lord? How much time I have to serve the people I love? How much time I have to contribute to the society and to show the goodness of the Lord? It came to my mind that I should accept the F&B project offered recently and plans and ideas began floating in my mind because this is something I have to contribute to help people and spend time meaningfully.

Thirdly, I need to quiet my heart and identify my sins. I had no courage to face my own problems and fears therefore I looked for something to do and ignored them. Yet it was always there and it bothered me since then. I am very cautious about my travelling dreams as they can be idolised easily and distract me from carrying out God's plans. My excuse was God didn't tell me what to do so I should follow my own ambitions!

Read the book of Phillippians last night, it's always the lesson for me:

to have confidence in God that he who began the good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (1:5),

to live is Christ, to die is gain (1:21),

conduct myself in the manner worthy of the gospel of Christ (1:27),

do nothing out of selfish ambition but in humility consider others better than myself (2:3),

to be humble and obedient like Jesus (2:8), do everything without complaining or arguing (2:14),

Rejoice in the Lord always (4:4)

Think positive: whatever is true, noble, right, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (4:8)

Be content in all circumstances, because it is possible through the Lord who gives me strength (4:12-13)

Remember, the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Then my spiritual door suddenly widened, and I can feel the peace of God channeled into my heart. And the connection with God rebuilt in the quietness of prayer. Joy cannot be found, it can only be enjoyed in knowing God.

Lord, may you rid the pride, self-pity, selfish ambitions, fears and judgments in my heart. You did not gave me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. I must strengthen my weak knees, and lift up my drooping hands, and continue to walk with you, and fight with you. You are always near, never sleep nor slumber, you are all powerful, all knowing and all present. I long to see you with my own eyes, but I do not want to be filled with regrets. Fill me, guide me, lead me, use me, walk beside me, you are the potter, I am the clay. May I take part in your redemption work and enjoy you forever. In Christ's holy name, Amen.