Thursday, September 27, 2007


It has been 3 months since I graduated from Massey. I am more comfortable and emotionally stable than I was at the last few months. Even though the situation is still the same, I am coping better now with the uncertainty and loneliness that I am experiencing outside uni. Also, I started to accept the fact that everything is changed, and I need to move on, whether I like it or not. I can choose to go on escaping from the reality, or face it, and make a change. I started dreaming, dream about all the possibilities that I have in life ahead. Started to feel excited about the future, turning uncertainties to possibilities. I am working at a cafe, perfecting my coffee making skills and keep challenging myself to a higher level of professionalism.

Most of the time I stay in my flat, last week I tried to spend some time outside my flat other than working and church time, therefore I went to the city library. Although it was good weather but my day was ruined after got frightened by a stranger followed me for a long distance. So now I just stay at flat, in my room most of the time.

Many thoughts go through my head. The passion in my heart starts burning again, I applied for a few job positions, and can't stop thinking about the possibilities if I get any of the jobs. I would like to do anything that is being put in front of me right now, I just don't want to stay at the same place anymore.

But I still dreaming about going to Europe and South Island again, I like being a tourist. I want to meet more new friends. I want to change my image, buy a few clothes and change a hairstyle, I want to be different. But does that guarantee I will be satisfied? Most likely not. I want something that I don't know about, something that I might had before, or never have before. I know the answer is only found in God, and it is God. Maybe, I will never get satisfied in my whole life until the day I departed from this world and reunite with God again. But at least, I still need friends and families, people who actually love me, care about me, interested in me, and want to spend more time with me. Somehow, even I have friends and families, I still feel lonely, relationship with people is never the same anymore. As a kid I never have this feeling before, I never know it can be so lonely to be an adult. In fact, I never like the idea of being an adult.

Once again I turn to Jesus, my faithful Lord and friend, always there beside me, watching from above, and living within my heart. I will fight, even my faith is little and fragile, I just need to keep holding to His promise.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I tried

I just hope somebody can understand me. I really do want to apply for jobs, but I can’t. My right ear is ringing badly, and am having a persistent headache that never goes away even with Panadol. I sleep and find it hard to wake up in the morning. I tried to do exercise but I don’t have the energy. I couldn’t concentrate or motivate myself to do anything. I am tired and cold all the time. I tried to improve the situation, I do. I prayed so hard that I could be restored again and put full energy into life. In fact, I can’t. I guessed is the high level of stress hormone in my body caused hormone imbalance and bad circulation and even maybe neurodegeneration. I can’t remember most of the things, or just remember fragments, or pieces of memories, not even anything that I learnt from uni. I always left my things somewhere, just left my wallet in Wellington 2 weeks ago. I could not socialise, can’t stand loud music, it makes me headache. Every attempt I had to write a CV I get migraine attack. I don’t have health insurance, I don’t have money. I stayed up late every night because calling home after 12am is cheaper, I tried to call them, but I always gave up in the end. I want to ask for money, to pay off credit card debts and buy insurance so that I can seek medical help, but I can’t ask them, I am too ashamed. I tried, I really tried to build up my life, but I can’t, I really can’t, why don’t you believe me?

Friday, September 07, 2007


I brush her teeth every morning I wake up
I decide what clothes for her to wear before she goes out
I feed her when she is hungry
But who is she?

I could not recognise her
I see her in the mirror everyday
But I do not know what is in her mind

I want to make her happy
I tried everything I can
But that is not something that I am able to do

Somebody else has to do it
maybe she knows that somebody, maybe she doesn't know
I wish that somebody, who loves her
can make her happy


Once I grasped it
now I lost it
trying to find it again
even realising that am looking for it at the wrong place
even knowing You are the source
but am powerless to pursue it

I beg You, with my last bit of energy
please, draw me close to You
let me know You again
so that I can have it again