I feel exhausted. Work is extremely busy, non-stop, and challenging. I don't know when I will be resting completely again. I had a great time spent with family during Chinese New Year, first time celebrating it since I left KL and studied in NZ. I was rostered to work on the first and second day of cny, therefore my parents and brother came to Singapore to accompany me. It makes so much difference with family around even working during festive season, at least I feel their love and support, and don't feel so lonely as compared to last year when I worked in Te Anau. I had 4 days break after that and went back to Kuala Lumpur, home sweet home. Had lots of food all the way from Singapore to KL such as Yu Sheng, steamed fish, cereal prawns, hotpot, mee suah, fishball noodles at Yong Peng, barley dessert and otak-otak at Muar, new year cookies... It was great to be able to meet up with some friends from high school, and visited art teacher's house. Gathering of art society's ex-committee members was awesome and bring back a lot of memories.
Sometimes I just need to constantly reminding myself of who I am, or else I will easily being caught up at work and become a zombie, a slave. Sometimes I get very miserable of being stuck here to work for a living, because I love freedom, travelling and search meaning for life. I have so many questions and trying to find the reason to be happy each day. Life is real, it is fallen, it is cruel. You cannot deny that there are many people who are struggling each day just to survive, they might be battling their illnesses and pains, they might be trying to feed and educate their kids, they might be looking after their sick loved ones. The hospital is the best mirror of reality. It reminds me of our fragile, temporal life, it reminds me of inescapable suffering, illness and pain, it reminds me of an imperfect, fallen world.
What’s the point that you yourself are happily enjoying the luxuries, while others are suffering in pain and struggling to get food to survive? How can you say that this life is wonderful, that you have a perfect family and well-paid job but others are groaning in pain lying in the hospital? Unless you avoid it at all, but there is a disturbing voice in your heart reminding you that perhaps one day you or your loved ones will be like that as well. I tried to escape from the thought at all, pretend that it’s none of my business, because that’s the way life is, for others at least. Yet I feel guilty about it, guilty that I am so selfish, and foolish thinking in such way.
I learnt that there is only one reason I can feel justified to rejoice in, it is hope. Not just any vain hope in a better lifestyle, better next vacation, healthy body, being in love, being with family… because these ‘hopes’ can disappear, just because this world is cursed and imperfect. Only the hope which found in the ultimate Truth can quench my longing for happiness. The hope of promise brought by Jesus from dying on the cross, that I will no longer be enslaved by sin, sinful nature, sinful world, and fallen world as a consequence of sin. The hope that one day I will be free from sinning, suffering, pain, hurt, and disappointment. The hope that one day all my longings will be fulfilled, that the kingdom will come where justice and mercy equally important. The hope that God with full of love and wisdom will rule the world, my heart and soul and completely rest! What a luxury!
Yes I agree that I have no idea what God has in store for me, and at times I have no patience with Him and I asked for something else lesser. Of course I wished I do not have to work, or work at a better place with nicer people and lesser workload. But if this challenging job at the moment can be used by God to shape my character so that I could receive more of His blessing, why not? Ok, I feel content at the moment, I do. There is nothing more I need to ask for, just hope that I will always remember who He is and where my focus is.
