Wednesday, January 21, 2009


My Current Favourite Song

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away


I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Random thoughts

I am stuck with my computer! Should go out and get something to fill my stomach but I find this addictive... hehe. Seems long time since I am able to reflect upon what I have been through recently. Life here, well... different. Being independent is no difference as in NZ, just that I am more independent now, of which less people I can depend on. That's good though, that means God is taking me out of my comfort zone, and pushing me beyond the limits, and challenge me to breakthrough and grow as I approach adulthood.

I have been blessed so much with my brothers and sisters in Christ, in my church and a friend's church which I am visiting. I know the 'truths' but now I am experiencing it, one of it is that only in God's family, the community which I desire to live with can only be found. These people have shown kindness and friendliness towards me, and it means a lot for me who without family in Singapore. Also, I love the food, jazz and arts scene here in Singapore, so much quality live performances/exhibitions are going on, some of them are free, which is brilliant. Not to forget mention the community clubs here, I just joined a loyalty programme by Community Clubs in Sg, which provides discounts and informations on arts events, nature walks, shop & dine, and various community activities, how good is that?

Nevertheless, work is the heavier part of my life. It has been a lot better since I attended church services on last two Sundays. The Word of God does helps to strengthen my faith and creates peace of mind, and the Spirit touch comes with the confession of sins and holy communion reminded me of who I am and how much Christ means in my life. I can 't stop repeating this again and again, that without Christ, I am Nothing, and I am unable to enjoy what I have at the moment, and I will live in great fear and depression everyday. Life is empty without him, life has no meaning without him. The longer I walk with Him, the more longing I am to know Him and to be with Him.

Another 'truth' I am experiencing is this: to be a great leader, is to serve. There is no other way to 'earn' others respect (indeed to earn ones respect is a sign of pride) other than humbly serve the people, with great sincerity. Serve the staff, workers, boss and patients, so that Christ glory will be magnified and I can be the salt and light to them. All these people need God, they need to know Him, and they need His light, to overcome the darkness in their hearts. As what Pastor Caleb Tong preached in the church on Sunday, we should bless, and not curse. If the person deserves the blessing, he will be blessed. In contrast, if the person does not deserve the blessing, the blessing will come back to me, who blesses, and I will be doubly blessed! Oh how wonderful is the analogy. And don't forget God is a Just God, he will judge the world with perfect righteousness, and it is His job to judge or condemn, not me. My duty is to love, to forgive, and to bless those who has been wrong or harsh to me.

It is time for me to practice the 'Truths' I've been learning from God. I'm amazed at how efficient God uses my past, my learning and my experiences. Not even one of them is 'wasted', all the things I have learnt and experienced from the past, and my knowledge of who God is, determines how I am going to solve the problems in life and how my character will be in the midst of difficulties.

Even I do not know Him fully, but by faith and the knowledge I have learnt from the Bible, I can continue to persevere yet rejoice until my last breath in this temporal life.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

New Year 'Resolution?'

In year 2009, I wish/hope/want to:

1. Get organized and reduce stress at work.
2. Get in touch with friends (yeah that's you).
3. Travel to another country at least once.
4. Go home at least once in two months.
5. Cultivate a new hobby and stick with it (photography).
6. Get a life (at least on day offs, holidays).
7. Read the whole bible!
8. Read more books.
9. Make new friends.
10.Share the gospel.
11. Encourage/build up others.
12. Be a nicer person.
13. Stay healthy and energetic, no more mind fogging and lethargy.
14. Keep updated and maintain a global mindset.
15. Be sociable.
16. Pray harder!
17. Exercise!
18. Don't forget the music!

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Stress again, sigh...

Yeah, stay positive is very important. Especially being in this world like sheep among wolves, we need to stay positive and remain strong. It has been over two months since I started work in Singapore. I would say, work is stressful, and I already being challenged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It came to a point that, I don't even know what is my feeling at the moment, I am numb but somehow fragile inside, like little thing can trigger the breakdown mechanism anytime.

I need to overcome this mountain, step over it and say, everything is under control, at least under God's. Do one thing at a time, and deal with everything and everyone with patient and gentleness. Well I would say it is not as easy as I say. Work is like neverending, people were like enjoying dumping work on me and laugh at me on the side. My assistants are giving me lots of trouble, and colleagues dumping work on me, my bosses could not understand how much work I need to do before they keep chasing the outcomes. Working more than 10 hours a day for 6 days a week, how do I get a life? I miss my parents in my hometown, and I would say, there is nothing much I can look forward to in life, in short term. Unless I save enough money within a few years time, and change a decent job or travel the world which allows me a balance, maybe I can socialise more and get a 'life'. But, I would be old then, people would be gotten married and have babies while I just start to connect to the world.

Sigh... what do I look forward to in life? In long term, it is Jesus' Kingdom, the eternal blessing of living in a perfect world with the Perfect God. Oh how long it can be? Though I'm getting older, the 'afterlife' seems getting more further to attain, like I'm falling into a deep pit of darkness before I get to be pulled out by the hands of merciful God.

Why I'm always stuck in this situation? Is it because of my stupid decision of the kind of job I chose? Or I'm stupid enough to expect I'm able to conquer my failures from the past? A highly stressful shift work will just compromise my youth, my relationships, and my quality time with God. I hate myself like this, like a zombie. I should be free, but how?

If the Son sets me free, I will be free indeed? How? Can Jesus please show me? Again Satan is challenging me, anger and bitterness starts creeping in, I'm glad I have no relationship or any sort of other commitment right now, maybe I am the right person for this job.

I'm getting insane, having a headache now. Please, have mercy on me Lord, give me strength so that I won't let my tears burst out in embarrassment in front of anyone anymore. In this no mercy world, please show me what mercy is. In this unloving world, please show me what love is. In this sinful world, please show me what purity is. I will read your Word, but please give me concentration, I will pray, please take my burdens. I need you Lord, more than anything. There must be a purpose for all these.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Last blog in 2008

So fast it is the end of the year again. 2008, what did I achieved? What did I gained? What did I lost? So much had been going on, but had been so empty. 2008 is a transition phase in my life, from study to work, from kid to adult, from girl, yet to be woman. With no doubt, this year is a lonely year for me, it has been tough, and I have learnt that only what and who matters in this life.

Went to Esplanade just now, by myself, wanted to see fireworks, first new year eve in Singapore. I went with the hope that the crowd and the "happenings" will quench my loneliness and emptiness inside. There were so many people, so many live performances, so much going on. However, everything seems detached from me, I can relate to neither the crowd, nor the performances, or the atmosphere at all. They just magnified the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I chose a few great spots to view the fireworks display, but I left, because it is meaningless, although I love fireworks, I am no more excited by it, my heart has grown cold indeed.

Perhaps I have the weirdest personality on earth, it seems that I do not fit into any crowd. What is friendship? I need to redefine friendship as I grow old. Friends are not those who would hang out with you whenever you need them anymore, they are not the ones you are accountable with, or willing to carry your burdens, or to share their joy. Friends are occasional people whom I meet and happens to be together, and have a conversation. Do I need friends? Why do I need them?

Boyfriend, or opposite sex partner, is the worst of all, they are the ones who are lonely as well, and seek gratification for their own souls in the expense of their partners. They are extremely selfish, and meaningless. I do not understand why God created human in a way that they attracted to each other, then hurt each other later on. Therefore, would not it be better if stay alone, and being neutral for all genders.

I tried to live in my hometown, in capital city of my home country, in a foreign country with completely different culture, in small town, in middle size city, in a metropolitan. It's all the same, I have not yet found the 'thing' that I need, although I do not really know what that is. There is emptiness in all there places, and deep in my heart I know that I am searching in vain.
My mind knows that only God can fill this emptiness, but I cannot comprehend it, I cannot understand that how can it be done.

Therefore I can only hope that one day, this emptiness will be filled, that I will not be lonely anymore, will not be forgotten anymore, that someday, the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled, that no more hurts, no more tears, no more fear and negative feelings will be present in me anymore.

Thank God I still have my parents, and my brother, they are the ones who never leave me and always care about me. Thank God they helped to reveal what kind of a God you are. Although still I could not feel your presence, but I bear the hope that one day I will feel you again.

May year 2009 will be better for me, less tough. However, above all, Your will is to be done. Whatever does not kill me, it makes me stronger. Praise be to You my Lord.