So fast it is the end of the year again. 2008, what did I achieved? What did I gained? What did I lost? So much had been going on, but had been so empty. 2008 is a transition phase in my life, from study to work, from kid to adult, from girl, yet to be woman. With no doubt, this year is a lonely year for me, it has been tough, and I have learnt that only what and who matters in this life.
Went to Esplanade just now, by myself, wanted to see fireworks, first new year eve in Singapore. I went with the hope that the crowd and the "happenings" will quench my loneliness and emptiness inside. There were so many people, so many live performances, so much going on. However, everything seems detached from me, I can relate to neither the crowd, nor the performances, or the atmosphere at all. They just magnified the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I chose a few great spots to view the fireworks display, but I left, because it is meaningless, although I love fireworks, I am no more excited by it, my heart has grown cold indeed.
Perhaps I have the weirdest personality on earth, it seems that I do not fit into any crowd. What is friendship? I need to redefine friendship as I grow old. Friends are not those who would hang out with you whenever you need them anymore, they are not the ones you are accountable with, or willing to carry your burdens, or to share their joy. Friends are occasional people whom I meet and happens to be together, and have a conversation. Do I need friends? Why do I need them?
Boyfriend, or opposite sex partner, is the worst of all, they are the ones who are lonely as well, and seek gratification for their own souls in the expense of their partners. They are extremely selfish, and meaningless. I do not understand why God created human in a way that they attracted to each other, then hurt each other later on. Therefore, would not it be better if stay alone, and being neutral for all genders.
I tried to live in my hometown, in capital city of my home country, in a foreign country with completely different culture, in small town, in middle size city, in a metropolitan. It's all the same, I have not yet found the 'thing' that I need, although I do not really know what that is. There is emptiness in all there places, and deep in my heart I know that I am searching in vain.
My mind knows that only God can fill this emptiness, but I cannot comprehend it, I cannot understand that how can it be done.
Therefore I can only hope that one day, this emptiness will be filled, that I will not be lonely anymore, will not be forgotten anymore, that someday, the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled, that no more hurts, no more tears, no more fear and negative feelings will be present in me anymore.
Thank God I still have my parents, and my brother, they are the ones who never leave me and always care about me. Thank God they helped to reveal what kind of a God you are. Although still I could not feel your presence, but I bear the hope that one day I will feel you again.
May year 2009 will be better for me, less tough. However, above all, Your will is to be done. Whatever does not kill me, it makes me stronger. Praise be to You my Lord.
Went to Esplanade just now, by myself, wanted to see fireworks, first new year eve in Singapore. I went with the hope that the crowd and the "happenings" will quench my loneliness and emptiness inside. There were so many people, so many live performances, so much going on. However, everything seems detached from me, I can relate to neither the crowd, nor the performances, or the atmosphere at all. They just magnified the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I chose a few great spots to view the fireworks display, but I left, because it is meaningless, although I love fireworks, I am no more excited by it, my heart has grown cold indeed.
Perhaps I have the weirdest personality on earth, it seems that I do not fit into any crowd. What is friendship? I need to redefine friendship as I grow old. Friends are not those who would hang out with you whenever you need them anymore, they are not the ones you are accountable with, or willing to carry your burdens, or to share their joy. Friends are occasional people whom I meet and happens to be together, and have a conversation. Do I need friends? Why do I need them?
Boyfriend, or opposite sex partner, is the worst of all, they are the ones who are lonely as well, and seek gratification for their own souls in the expense of their partners. They are extremely selfish, and meaningless. I do not understand why God created human in a way that they attracted to each other, then hurt each other later on. Therefore, would not it be better if stay alone, and being neutral for all genders.
I tried to live in my hometown, in capital city of my home country, in a foreign country with completely different culture, in small town, in middle size city, in a metropolitan. It's all the same, I have not yet found the 'thing' that I need, although I do not really know what that is. There is emptiness in all there places, and deep in my heart I know that I am searching in vain.
My mind knows that only God can fill this emptiness, but I cannot comprehend it, I cannot understand that how can it be done.
Therefore I can only hope that one day, this emptiness will be filled, that I will not be lonely anymore, will not be forgotten anymore, that someday, the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled, that no more hurts, no more tears, no more fear and negative feelings will be present in me anymore.
Thank God I still have my parents, and my brother, they are the ones who never leave me and always care about me. Thank God they helped to reveal what kind of a God you are. Although still I could not feel your presence, but I bear the hope that one day I will feel you again.
May year 2009 will be better for me, less tough. However, above all, Your will is to be done. Whatever does not kill me, it makes me stronger. Praise be to You my Lord.
1 comment:
Hey Anne I know 2009 will be a better year for you, just keep a positive outlook and you will be fine. Lots of love and blessings. *Hugs*
Post a Comment