Thursday, January 08, 2009

Stress again, sigh...

Yeah, stay positive is very important. Especially being in this world like sheep among wolves, we need to stay positive and remain strong. It has been over two months since I started work in Singapore. I would say, work is stressful, and I already being challenged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It came to a point that, I don't even know what is my feeling at the moment, I am numb but somehow fragile inside, like little thing can trigger the breakdown mechanism anytime.

I need to overcome this mountain, step over it and say, everything is under control, at least under God's. Do one thing at a time, and deal with everything and everyone with patient and gentleness. Well I would say it is not as easy as I say. Work is like neverending, people were like enjoying dumping work on me and laugh at me on the side. My assistants are giving me lots of trouble, and colleagues dumping work on me, my bosses could not understand how much work I need to do before they keep chasing the outcomes. Working more than 10 hours a day for 6 days a week, how do I get a life? I miss my parents in my hometown, and I would say, there is nothing much I can look forward to in life, in short term. Unless I save enough money within a few years time, and change a decent job or travel the world which allows me a balance, maybe I can socialise more and get a 'life'. But, I would be old then, people would be gotten married and have babies while I just start to connect to the world.

Sigh... what do I look forward to in life? In long term, it is Jesus' Kingdom, the eternal blessing of living in a perfect world with the Perfect God. Oh how long it can be? Though I'm getting older, the 'afterlife' seems getting more further to attain, like I'm falling into a deep pit of darkness before I get to be pulled out by the hands of merciful God.

Why I'm always stuck in this situation? Is it because of my stupid decision of the kind of job I chose? Or I'm stupid enough to expect I'm able to conquer my failures from the past? A highly stressful shift work will just compromise my youth, my relationships, and my quality time with God. I hate myself like this, like a zombie. I should be free, but how?

If the Son sets me free, I will be free indeed? How? Can Jesus please show me? Again Satan is challenging me, anger and bitterness starts creeping in, I'm glad I have no relationship or any sort of other commitment right now, maybe I am the right person for this job.

I'm getting insane, having a headache now. Please, have mercy on me Lord, give me strength so that I won't let my tears burst out in embarrassment in front of anyone anymore. In this no mercy world, please show me what mercy is. In this unloving world, please show me what love is. In this sinful world, please show me what purity is. I will read your Word, but please give me concentration, I will pray, please take my burdens. I need you Lord, more than anything. There must be a purpose for all these.

3 comments:

Janicelees said...

let go. let Him take care of you...let him take care of the past. He who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. do lotsa prayer and singing ;).

Janicelees said...

Though waves and storms go o'er my head
Though strength and health and friends be gone
Though joys be withered all and dead
Though every comfort be withdrawn
On this my steadfast soul relies
Father, Thy mercy never dies...

Andrew Lim

Anne said...

Thanks so much Lilis... indeed His mercy knows no end...