Recently I have been trying to calm my emotions and thoughts and review my life and relationship with God and others. It's good that I have been away from home and start thinking on my own. Firstly, I have to be honest that I have not been spending enough quality time with the Lord. Although I struggle every morning whether to do quiet time or not, mostly I either gave into other activities or I simply unable to focus on the Word. I came to Singapore purposely for KKR revival meeting. Deep inside me know strongly that I have to come here because I am no longer discipline enough to go near the Lord. Therefore, I sacrificed the celebration of mid-autumn festival with my parents for this event because I knew the Lord wants me to be here. It's good to see my friends and people from the church again. I feel like a 'prodigal son', that I have not done anything nor offer any kind of physical help towards the success of KKR event, yet they still welcomed me as if I had done something great. I feel much humbled by everyone here, by their devotion and commitment to the Lord's work.
Secondly, I decided to move on. I knew I should not stop at this point for too long because time doesn't wait, I will become old, and I will pass away some day, or the world will fade away. How much time I have on earth to serve the Lord? How much time I have to serve the people I love? How much time I have to contribute to the society and to show the goodness of the Lord? It came to my mind that I should accept the F&B project offered recently and plans and ideas began floating in my mind because this is something I have to contribute to help people and spend time meaningfully.
Thirdly, I need to quiet my heart and identify my sins. I had no courage to face my own problems and fears therefore I looked for something to do and ignored them. Yet it was always there and it bothered me since then. I am very cautious about my travelling dreams as they can be idolised easily and distract me from carrying out God's plans. My excuse was God didn't tell me what to do so I should follow my own ambitions!
Read the book of Phillippians last night, it's always the lesson for me:
to have confidence in God that he who began the good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (1:5),
to live is Christ, to die is gain (1:21),
conduct myself in the manner worthy of the gospel of Christ (1:27),
do nothing out of selfish ambition but in humility consider others better than myself (2:3),
to be humble and obedient like Jesus (2:8), do everything without complaining or arguing (2:14),
Rejoice in the Lord always (4:4)
Think positive: whatever is true, noble, right, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (4:8)
Be content in all circumstances, because it is possible through the Lord who gives me strength (4:12-13)
Remember, the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.
Then my spiritual door suddenly widened, and I can feel the peace of God channeled into my heart. And the connection with God rebuilt in the quietness of prayer. Joy cannot be found, it can only be enjoyed in knowing God.
Lord, may you rid the pride, self-pity, selfish ambitions, fears and judgments in my heart. You did not gave me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. I must strengthen my weak knees, and lift up my drooping hands, and continue to walk with you, and fight with you. You are always near, never sleep nor slumber, you are all powerful, all knowing and all present. I long to see you with my own eyes, but I do not want to be filled with regrets. Fill me, guide me, lead me, use me, walk beside me, you are the potter, I am the clay. May I take part in your redemption work and enjoy you forever. In Christ's holy name, Amen.
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