Met a friend yesterday while shopping with family at a mall. Haven't seen her for a while, but she is someone who is special to me, like competitor, like enemy, like friend. I just want to say that, it hurts me when I get the impression of her trying to judge or value me while I said I have been rested since half a year ago after quitting my job. After she told me about herself pursuing Masters in UK and another friend working in States (achieving her dreams), I said to her in an envious tone, 'you girls met great opportunities'. Perhaps she had misunderstood me as if I thought that they can do what they are doing now because of plain luck. She said to me, 'we both worked very hard and suffered in order to survive our dreams". Suddenly I felt an invisible arrow stabbing my chest, ouch! So I lived a good life and deserve what I get right now? Argh... perhaps we were talking in different channels, it seems that we kept misunderstanding each other since the first day we met.
It is harder to accept the fact that perhaps she's right. I never worked hard enough to reach my goals, perhaps I do not have a goal at all. Even myself looking at myself as 'lazy, not contributing to the society, sucking from my family, useless etc etc.'. No one understands that I tried everything. Of course I want to get into a proper job as soon as possible, as soon as before I quit my previous job. Somehow I feel that I was not ready for another work commitment both physically and mentally. What is my value, what can I contribute to the society? I asked the question to God 'what can I do for God' many many times before, but I failed to retrieve the answer. My faith is at the edge, is fading, I agree with Jesus and the gospel, but I can't seem relate it to my life anymore. Since I couldn't find a balance between being a Christian and being in the world, I find myself weary and disappointed. People around taught me many things in order to survive in the harsh business world, Jesus taught me other things, but I do not have enough wisdom to live in integrity and adapt in secular environment at the same time not looking stupid. It's not that I don't want to look stupid, or being Christian is stupid, but I make a Christian looking stupid by doing what I did before.
The only motivation for me to find a job now is to pay debts, even though no one asks me for it. I can only say that I hate the world, I hate being in the world. What is being me while there is nothing good about me? I find that being 'utilitarian' is more effective than standing for own principles. Being a freshman has no right to insist on her principles, only obedience and submission to authorities. There is no right or wrong in the business world, only what is rewarding and what is not. It's a taboo to appear weak and not confident in self, I tried but it's just too tired to pretend that I'm strong.
Perhaps I am too far from what I want to be, it seems unachievable. What is success? What is success according to God? What is success from the point of the world's view? Is my life aim to be success, or to be obedient to the Lord's will? Some says to be success is obedient to God, to give glory to God. Some say to suffer for God is to obedient to God. Some say God has planted the dreams in our hearts so that we will pursue them. Some say we must do everything in order allowing God to work in our lives. If God is real, how will he talk to me? Is my sins too great for me to approach Him? Am I not sincere enough when I confess my sins to Jesus and ask for His forgiveness? Am I suppose to wait until his timing that he will answer one day? Or should I proceed to pursue what I perceive as success by following my heart? Not everyone can afford integrity.
1 comment:
I think you have heard a little too much on what the world has to say about you. It's time to seek what the Lord will say (get in touch with reality). I'd say if you shut yourself from the church fellowship and daily devotion, it's gotta get harder for you to hear Him. Don't try to find a perfect church, just come with thirst.
The Lord pursues you when you were still a sinner. How much more do you think He would want you to be back on track when you are already saved? remember, He is always on the pursuit. How can He afford losing one of His child? If one sheep is lost and the 99 remains, He will go and find the lost one. How much more if you will seek Him with your whole heart. But you also must remember that He hath ordained the humble scripture and prayer to speak to us this age.
It ain't easy to live in the business world or even in the WORLD for Christ. It could cost all our ego and desires. It is very costly sacrifice because He asks our everything and He meant it. But then He promised: If you lose your life, you will have it.
The world desperately needs us as little Christ shines through all the darkness. We who are to be little lamps, must shine. Because it's getting darker out there, almost no way out.
Wider is the road to destruction but far narrow and bumpy to life. The time of the devil is almost up. May He strengthen us a little longer. Ask for faith. Ask for strength to go on. Seek Him through His word, don't trade it with something else.
I hope this helps :)
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