Mountains

What is reality and what is not? Am I trying to confront it or runaway from it? What is God's will? What is my will? What does God want and what do I really want to do in life? I have been searching for these answers for many many months. No one can understand my struggles, I know He can, but when is He going to end my frustration? Like Jake in Avatar, I feel crippled in my real life, I believe there is a perfect world to live in like Pandora, but my crippled self doesn't allow me to enter and enjoy it. On one hand I'm frustrated with reality of life, therefore I indulged in entertainment medias, games and house chores to kill time. On the other hand I know there is an ideal life that I can enjoy, but I have nothing to deserve to enter it, I feel useless.

The Truth tells me that I am to suffer in this world, and if I believe in Christ, no servant is higher than his master, and if Christ is persecuted, why do I expect myself to be exempted? Yet it looks like a huge mountain in front of me blocking my way, I feel very weak, helpless, and do not have the courage to climb. My experience tells me that no one is going to look into my true heart and feelings in the real world, it is just a trade between my time and ability and financial reward. I'm craving for happiness, true sharing between people, integrity and respect, and somehow I believed that it cannot be found in secular workplace, not to mention the extremely few days of leave. I don't want that kind of life, I don't want to do things that I can never enjoy and shake my conscience. I don't want to fake myself to please the people I don't like. I don't want to be a bad witness at work for Christ... my body can't handle long hours shift, I can't focus, I can't manage, I am stressed easily... all these 'mountains' I need to overcome...

I turned to the Lord many times, I said, 'Lord, please help me, I want to be constantly joyful because I know that you are in control, and I surrender myself to you, including all my cares and burdens. I want to take up my cross and follow you.' But there is still no answer... Why is strength from family and friends support my faith instead the other way round? Why at the same time I don't want anything from this world but I want everything? Should I dream of everything I want or dream nothing except the Kingdom of heaven?

Other than the Holy Spirit I pray for someone in my life who is able to coach, guide, lead, and support me in my spiritual and work life at the same time. My dream is global ministry, to meet people of every tribe and tongue in the world, and to serve God with a strong and humbled heart. May the Lord opens the door and lead me to the path which brings meaning of everlasting.