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My Hope – To be home forever (translated from the Chinese post)

It has been ages since I updated about myself in my blog since there is hardly any input in my recent life. On the surface I seem to enjoy my relaxing lifestyle, however I find it very difficult to calm down to reflect or pray. Without realising I have been staying at home for almost five months, my work search has been challenging and I have not heard anything about my work pass yet. Being at home for me is a mix of joy and gloom, in fact, the world has never been perfect.

Joy, is because I’m enjoying an almost a carefree life, free of worry about money or food, and immerses myself in the love of family. I guess this is the wish of most of the people in the world. Nevertheless, still there is anxiety in my heart, and there is nothing I can do to get rid of it.

After staying at home for too long, my body has become stiffened. Anxiety that comes from nowhere has deeply burdened my body and soul. On one hand I enjoy and being thankful of the love and care of God and family members, on the other hand I feel guilty and empty inside. Guilty, is because while I am whole and able, I have not contribute anything to God, family, society, or the world. Emptiness, is because life has no meaning, everyday I just watch tv, play computer games, and because it is very hard for me to concentrate, I read less than before. When life is meaningless and aimless, a person will soon become wasted.

To be honest I feel that I am a total failure, not just feeling, but real failure. When I look back, especially for the past year, witnessing at the failures in my relationships, work search, ministry, ambitions, health… I feel extremely ashamed, and I want to runaway and hide myself from the world. Mum was right; even I did not admit at the time, that I am unable to face and accept failure. I always comfort myself by saying that everything will soon become past, so don’t take things too seriously, and soon I will have the chance to prove that I am not lame or loser anymore.

Today, I realised that I have been escaping from the reality, I have no courage to face and admit my own failure. I thought that I will never be able to stand up again after the fall, I thought the world will reject me forever, I thought my sin was too heavy for God to save me.

I had been in overseas for almost four years; in between there were two whole years I did not come home. Yet after coming home, everything is still the same, dad and mum still love me the same, my brother still recognises me as his sister. Soon after that, I managed to return to my old life. And those years in New Zealand feels like a dream for me. No matter how much I suffer or experienced, even faced the possibly of death, everything has become past. No matter how long I never ring home, how much I had hid from my family in the past, when I come home and told them the truth, my parents still forgave me and love me the same.

The same applies to God as well. Yes, it is true that I have sinned against God, and I have no excuse for that, and I need to confess, and hold responsible for my sins. But because of the only Jesus, although I have sinned, I still have the chance to start again, and still have the chance to be perfect before God. Because of Jesus, God loves me as his own child, even loves me more than my parents. Although facing a lot of failures and afflictions, even the world has rejected me, still I can go back to my Father’s arms, and receive healing from His love. Above all, I can look forward to go home, the perfect home, with no more blood and tears, no evil, no suffering, no hurts, but only perfect love and God’s glorious light forever. Therefore, I took the courage to admit my own weakness and failure before God, and receive my second chance with joy. Again I will be strengthened in God’s grace, and given chance to live a life with flying colours.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. – Hebrews 12:1~3

我的盼望- 永远回家

好久好久没有跟进我的部落格了，原因是最近的生活一成不变，属灵生活也怠慢了下来，虽然表面上是悠哉闲着，事实上心里一直无法平静下来思考。不知不觉我呆在家里已经接近五个月了，工作的事一直大幅大落，到至今仍没有工作准证的消息。在家里，可谓喜忧参半，这世界毕竟是不完美的。

喜，是很享受成天无所事事，过着‘饭来张口，钱来伸手’，还有父母疼爱，弟弟的陪伴的生活。我想，这是世界上大部分人的心愿吧。遗憾的是，即使是这样，我的心，仍存有隐忧，而且迟迟无法平息。在家里呆久了，身体也渐渐变得僵硬，也不知从哪儿来的焦虑，导致我身心日渐拖垮。一方面我享受并感恩家人和上帝对我的眷顾，另一方面则觉得愧疚，而且心里十分的空虚。愧疚，是自己好手好脚的，却不能为神，家人，社会，或者世界作出一点贡献。空虚，是生活没有意义，每天看电视，玩电脑游戏，因很难专心，连书都少看了。人活得没有意义，没有目的，是会颓废的。

其实我觉得自己很失败，不是觉得，而我是真的失败。回首过去，尤其是过去的一年，看着自己的感情，工作，人际关系，主的事工，自己的理想，健康等等一一遭遇到挫折和打击，不禁感到羞愧，因而想逃避这个世界。我妈妈说得不错，当时我虽然抵死不承认，但是她倒说中了我的要害 – 无法接受失败和挫折。我总是安慰自己，这一切总会过去的，不要把不重要的事情看得太重，再等一会儿就可以证明自己不是弱者，不是失败者了。

今天我恍然大悟，明白自己一直在逃避现实，没有勇气面对失败。我以为，跌倒了，就再也站不起来了。我以为，这个世界会永远拒绝我。我以为，自己的罪孽深重，连神也救不了我了。

想想其实我离开家去国外念书有几乎四年了，其中有两一连两年没有回家。可是回到家里，一切就好像在出国之前一样，父母仍然爱我，弟弟还是老样子，也不会因此要从新认识我。很快的，我就回到原来的样子生活，那三年多，好像梦一场，似有似无。不管在国外有多么难熬，经历了多少喜怒哀乐，甚至面对过生死关头，但那一切都已经过去了。不管自己有多久没打电话回家，隐瞒家人过多少事，回到家，还不都是一样，随便骂骂过后，爸妈还是一样爱我。

其实神也何尝不一样，是的，我犯了错，我的罪无可抵赖，我必须承认，并且对神负责。可是因着独一无二的耶稣，即使错了，我也有机会再重新来过，也有机会在神面前洁白无瑕。因着耶稣，神爱我，就像他爱他自己的孩子一样，比我爸妈更爱我。就算遭遇挫折，面对世人的唾弃，我仍然可以名正言顺的回到阿爸父神的怀抱，让他的爱来抚平我的伤痛。在加上，我还有个家可以回，而且是完美的家，永远不再流血流泪，不会再有邪恶，不会再有伤痛，只有爱和主荣美的光芒。

我勇敢的认了自己的软弱和失败，欢欢喜喜的接受自己重新开始的机会，再次在主里刚强起来，下定要活出生命的色彩。

我们既有这许多的见证人，如同云彩围着我们，就当放下各样的重担，脱去容易缠累我们的罪，存心忍耐，奔那摆在我们前头的路程。仰望为我们信心创始成终的耶稣，他因那摆在前面的喜乐，就轻看羞辱，忍受了十字架的苦难，便坐在神宝座的右边。- 希伯来书十二章一至二节

Something to share

I am currently reading a brilliant book called The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. I thought this quote from the book is very good so decided to share it here, when he talks about real love is constrained as the argument against Christianity is a Straitjacket.

Human beings are most free and alive in relationships of love. We only become ourselves in love, and yet healthy love relationships involve mutual, unselfish service, a mutual loss of independence. C.S. Lewis put it eloquently:

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping if intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative is to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.

Freedom, then is not the absence of limitations and constraints but it is finding the right ones, those that fit our nature and liberate us.

My Country

For the first time in my life I feel oppressed in my country just because of my skin colour. It is a lot harder than I expected to accept and love my enemies. I could not help myself but feeling hurt and threatened after hearing news about ‘Malaysians of Chinese descent are temporary residents and can never receive equal rights with other races in the country’, ‘arrest of Malaysia Today news portal editor Raja Petra, Seputeh MP Teresa Kok, and Sinchew reporter Tan Hoon Cheng under Internal Security Act (ISA)’ etc. It adds to my anger when watching the news on we are not allowed to talk about Malay rights, Islamic religion, and the Malay Rajas’ statuses because they are sensitive issues and will destroy the unity (how about they talk about racial issues and suppressing Christianity?). Also, I am being wakened up at about 5am because of the public speakers of Muslim prayers from the local mosque. I admit it is rather disturbing to force to listen to their prayers for five times a day to a god whom I do not worship.

The people no longer trust the government and are utterly disappointed with the unjust, uncivilised, non transparent way of ruling the country. Besides racial issues, it is disappointing to witness corruption, misused funds, lack of economic growth, lack of civilisation, lack of care to the environment, and narrow mindset of the people. We are hoping that either the government will change, or change the government. I was very naïve and believe that my country will be in peace forever with unity and tolerance of all races and religions. I loved my country because there is not many other places in the world share the same climate and have beautiful beaches, lush rainforests, and diverse flora and fauna. Other than that, the rich culture and the harmony regardless of skin colour and religion are precious. I do appreciate my country since a very young age and I love to see people to live in harmony. But when I grow up I realised more and more things which appears just as an illusion.

I cannot find any other better ways to resolve the conflict than love (again it is a lot more difficult to do it than just talk about it), as Jesus says love your enemies, and do not revenge, for vengeance is mine. There is no way I can love and forgive before I realised my own sins and receive grace and forgiveness from Christ. The way I relate to the world is deeply affected by my view of the gospel and relationship with God.

I pray that

• peace and harmony will continue in this country and people will be mature and open enough to talk about things and understand each other.
• Justice will be done and release of innocent people, and avoid misuse of power.
• Christians will grow mature and strong to make a stand when it’s necessary, and to be the pioneer of showing love and reconciliation.
• God will protect the Christians and use this opportunity to teach them and understand how Christ is relate to this world, the religious people (Pharisees), the oppressive government, and what are the roles of churches and individual Christians.
• Christians will grow in this situation and experience God’s grace and comfort.
• Most importantly, help us to understand why Christ has to die on the cross and live again and how it relates to this current situation, and helps us to see the glory of Christ therefore put our hope in the eternal Kingdom rather than the temporal one.

Religions and laws cannot change people’s heart, only sacrificial love that comes from Christ can ultimately change the condition of human beings.

Love Always Protects

by Max Lucado

Genesis 3:21 has been called the first gospel sermon. Preached not by preachers, but by God himself. Not with words, but with symbol and action.

"The LORD God made clothes from animal skins for the man and his wife and dressed them" (Gen. 3:21).

God covers them. He protects them.

Love always protects.

Hasn't he done the same for us? We eat our share of forbidden fruit. We say what we shouldn't say. Go where we shouldn't go. Pluck fruit from trees we shouldn't touch.

So what does God do? Exactly what he did for our parents in the garden. He sheds innocent blood. He offers the life of his Son. And from the scene of the sacrifice the Father takes a robe--not the skin of an animal--but the robe of righteousness. And does he throw it in our direction and tell us to shape up? No, he dresses us himself. He dresses us with himself. "You were all baptized into Christ, and so you were all clothed with Christ" (Gal. 3:26--27).

God has clothed us. He protects us with a cloak of love. Can you look back over your life and see instances of God's protection? I can too. My junior year in college I was fascinated by a movement of Christians several thousand miles from my campus. Some of my friends decided to spend the summer at the movement's largest church and be discipled. When I tried to do the same, every door closed. Problem after problem with finances, logistics, and travel.

A second opportunity surfaced: spending a summer in Brazil. In this case, every door I knocked on swung open. Two and one half decades later I see how God protected me. The movement has become a cult--dangerous and oppressive. Time in Brazil introduced me to grace--freeing and joyful. Did God protect me? Does God protect us?

And you? Did he keep you from a bad relationship? Protect you from the wrong job? Insulate you from _______________ (you fill in the blank)? "Like hovering birds, so will [the LORD Almighty] protect Jerusalem" (Isa. 31:5 JB). "He will strengthen and protect you" (2 Thess. 3:3 NIV). "He will command his angels ... to guard you" (Ps. 91:11 NIV). God protects you with a cloak of love.

From
A Love Worth Giving
© (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2004) Max Lucado

NOW IN PAPERBACK
With a Reader's Guide focusing on:
1. Love Remembered: gleans crucial quotes from the chapter and invites you to reexamine them by answering some probing questions.
2. Love Deepened: uses parallel Scriptures to reinforce and clarify the thrust of the chapter.
3. Love Given: application questions to help you integrate the main focus of each chapter into your life of faith.

so... this is 'life' huh

Some say the most pitiful people are the ones whom are poor, whom are struggling to feed themselves or cloth themselves. I say the most pitiful people are not the ones who are struggling to survive physically, but facing spiritual death.

When joy, hope, love, peace are gone, when what’s being left is hurting oneself and others around whether on purpose or not, hell on earth is not too far away. When one is not longer able to believe, when faith is dying away, when the darkness of reality is embedding oneself, he is facing spiritual death. Even more pitiful is when one accepted the ‘reality’ of life as the way it is, and forgetting that life can be much more beautiful than the way it is. The courage to hope and pureness of heart is flooded by the so called ‘reality’, and started to take in everything as it is, and foolishly ‘enjoy’ the ‘life’ in the ‘world’ that is presented in front of him.

He is to be known as ‘naïve’, ‘stupid’, ‘unrealistic’ when he believes in a world of perfect harmony and peace. He is ‘mad’ and ‘wasting his life’ when he is ‘dreaming’ and ‘investing’ in that world while he could spend his time doing something ‘meaningful’ such as ‘work hard’, ‘earn more money’, and ‘looking for better opportunities’.

‘Life’ is good when you find a beautiful wife whom her ‘beauty’ is being envied. ‘Life’ is good when you have unlimited source of money to ‘do charity’ and ‘help the needy’. ‘Life’ is good when you do not have to worry when you travel around the world and gain more ‘life experiences’ than more people do. ‘Life’ is good when you know how to ‘appreciate’ wine and espresso coffees and choosing the way of your steak is to be cooked. ‘Life’ is good when you help a lot of people and make them feeling appreciative of what you’ve done for them.

Otherwise,

You can pray 5 times a day regardless how efficient your work is, whether your report is being done or you have cared of someone who is in need. You just need to ‘pray’ so that your ‘god’ can make a difference to this country. Doesn’t matter what is the way you spend taxpayers’ money as long as you build a huge worship places, ‘god’ can bless the country and bring peace and harmony. You teach people to hate each other and discourage people to think and make their own stand. You ask people to reject what threatens your status and accept your ‘laws’ without questioning. As long as you ‘do the right thing’ doesn’t matter if you have loved someone today. As long as you followed the ‘rules’ doesn’t matter if you are going to destroy a nation one day. Who set the rules? Who make the laws? You announce whatever brings benefits to yourself, and cover up whatever threatens the loyalty from your people. There is one word, called hypocrite, and you are fooling yourself.

Evil one, what kind of tricks are you playing now? Yes I have tasted your power and control in this world, and you brought me down from a higher state of faith. You made me sin and harness hatred in my heart and weaken my memory. You reminded me of the ugliness of life and the world, and made me forget what brought me love, joy and peace. But this is not the end yet, our battle is still continuing until you declare that you are lost.