Glad that this week is over. It has been heavy, stressful and hectic. Need a rest. Offended people at work, showed my weakness and bad attitude towards others. I am an individualist, could not stand and accept certain things and I will not compromise.
Maybe this is not the job for me. I want to be an artist. I want to paint, to photograph, to write, to compose, to craft. Yet sadly that side of me is dying day after day. I'm losing my skills and ability to express each day. Everyday I struggle to accept the way life is, as what everyone has been telling me. I pretend to be content, I give thanks, yet something is there pleading for me to escape.
Yes, my word for the moment: Escape. Just want to escape, no matter where, as far as possible from this horrible place. Don't want to be controlled, don't want to be manipulated, don't want to be restricted, don't want to be limited. Yet I pose another question: what makes me deserve to escape? If this is for me, should I run away from the 'fate', the life that is being planned for me?
God, what is obedience? I try to obey you everyday, yet I failed. Is obedience accept the way life is and endure through it all? Is it rebellious to choose my road and walk the life I prefer to? What is right and what is wrong? What is your will?
Nothing seems ever changed. I thought I had, but everything comes back again. My attitude, my bad temper, my confusions, my doubts, my depression, my low self esteem, all coming back again. I though I had conquered it over the years, yet it all came back again, I feel like a double failure, even worse than before. Why can't I just change and be good? the peaceful way.
I feel less Christian now, I know what I'm talking about, you don't have to talk to me in a Christian way. I know I am not Christian at this moment. I know I need to repent and submit myself to God. But the anger is burning in my heart and it is growing. I'm tired, just tired.
Not justifying any of my thoughts or behaviour. I'm just telling how I feel right now. I need some rest, simply. Homesick. Lonely.
I meant to be a loner. This is who I am, rebellious, weird, difficult to live with, difficult to please, difficult to understand.
Maybe this is not the job for me. I want to be an artist. I want to paint, to photograph, to write, to compose, to craft. Yet sadly that side of me is dying day after day. I'm losing my skills and ability to express each day. Everyday I struggle to accept the way life is, as what everyone has been telling me. I pretend to be content, I give thanks, yet something is there pleading for me to escape.
Yes, my word for the moment: Escape. Just want to escape, no matter where, as far as possible from this horrible place. Don't want to be controlled, don't want to be manipulated, don't want to be restricted, don't want to be limited. Yet I pose another question: what makes me deserve to escape? If this is for me, should I run away from the 'fate', the life that is being planned for me?
God, what is obedience? I try to obey you everyday, yet I failed. Is obedience accept the way life is and endure through it all? Is it rebellious to choose my road and walk the life I prefer to? What is right and what is wrong? What is your will?
Nothing seems ever changed. I thought I had, but everything comes back again. My attitude, my bad temper, my confusions, my doubts, my depression, my low self esteem, all coming back again. I though I had conquered it over the years, yet it all came back again, I feel like a double failure, even worse than before. Why can't I just change and be good? the peaceful way.
I feel less Christian now, I know what I'm talking about, you don't have to talk to me in a Christian way. I know I am not Christian at this moment. I know I need to repent and submit myself to God. But the anger is burning in my heart and it is growing. I'm tired, just tired.
Not justifying any of my thoughts or behaviour. I'm just telling how I feel right now. I need some rest, simply. Homesick. Lonely.
I meant to be a loner. This is who I am, rebellious, weird, difficult to live with, difficult to please, difficult to understand.
2 comments:
yeah. I totally understand...all the things that you feel, cos at times I feel that way too. gosh, it wasnt long ago i felt that way...loner, depressed, low, rejected..
aiya...a pity you didnt get ticket to go home. Better not lah, cos one malaysian confirmed h1n1 virus ;p.
yea talked to my mum last night, she said i should rest in Singapore cos only 2 days off. should go back for longer.
colleague found out there's H1N1 in malaysia and told my boss, i told my boss i was going to msia but not anymore anyway.
argh... don't know what to do tmrw.
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