Struggles

Dearly Lord Father, may Your name be revered and praised at all times. Should I go to church tomorrow? Which church should I go to? Should I bring my parents along? Which domination? English or Chinese congregation?

Week by week I have been struggling with these questions. I feel immobilised.

Lord I love you, and I wish my family and friends find perfect joy in loving You too. I just don't know where and how to start. May You never give up on me. Even when I'm forgetful of Your goodness...

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Moments of confession

I'm desperate for a holiday. Not because I want to see something new, but rather to keep myself busy and avoid certain things in life. Maybe it's a sin to pretend to be busy, it is. How far can I runaway from my feelings and intentions? Am I hiding here or really up to something? I don't know. What is real and what is temporal? I'm confused. Somehow, part of me chose to stay in the past and refused to move on. Yet part of me eagerly marching forward to rewrite new stories in life. Perhaps there will be a point of time that I will be torn up by this tension. Or I will be so stretchable and find a balance in between (the past and the future).

Just like Cobb in the movie 'Inception' where part of him stuck in his dream and couldn't get over it. Perhaps part of me stuck in my memory. Perhaps I should go inside my memory, or dream, and say bye to the important person there, if I can ever make it happen. Because he is not real, he is just part of my memory.

I'm going to Seoul

A step closer to my dream again. Thank God for creating little miracles in my life, displaying his gracefulness, generosity, and wonderful love for me. I love Him and I need Him.


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Cats in the East Coast

(Seal) Kiss From A Rose - Sungha Jung

Cuti-cuti Malaysia

Haven't been writing for a long time, hence please forgive my funny English and grammar... well, I have been busy recently, mainly work but at the same time find time to have fun in between. I traveled to Cameron highlands and the East Coast recently.

Cameron trip was a fun one, just chilled out with my workmates for the weekend. Having holiday in Malaysia is different than travelling to other countries, cos I can completely relax and enjoy and not afraid being missed out on anything, because I can go back anytime. The funness of Cameron trip is the people, having fun with a whole bunch of nice people and do silly things together.

Boh Tea Plantation, Cameron Highlands

Kelantan trip was inspiring and refreshing. There were things which were familiar and not so familiar to me...

Foods of Kelantan

Budu - smelly fish sauce of Kelantan, goes with ulam (fresh raw veges)

Nasi Ulam - gotta use your fingers to get the best taste of it!

Keng Som - Thai spicy fish

Mongolian fried chicken

Mango Kerabu

Chili and cucumber dipping sauce for chicken legs

Yummy Kampung chicken legs

Ikan bakar

Nasi dagang (Trade rice) and Nasi Minyak (Oily rice) of Kota Bharu

Etok!!!

Sup Perut (Soup with beef organs!)

Foods of Perhentian

BBQ squid with percik sauce

Fried fish (self caught)

Ulam

Ikan Bakar

More updates when I have more time... time for bed now *yawns*...

Perhentian

How do you describe heaven? If wedding is the mirror of the union of Christ and His people, then perhentians is the place where mirrored the beauty of heaven. Colourful fishes and corals, wonderful people, crystal clear unpolluted sea water, powder soft sandy beach, imagine how wonderful heaven is like. Maybe in heaven I know how to swim naturally like fishes and never get tired and eaten by sharks. Perhaps in heaven everyone will enjoy their work to the fullest with complete equality. Maybe everyone respects each other, and more than that, pure love. Maybe everyone has the capacity to appreciate hence fully comprehend God's grace. When people has a glorified body, perhaps they can worship God by knowing His perfect wonder, and receive the highest level of joy. That's the place where people never get tired serving and loving each other. That's a place where everyone shares the same belief. That's a place where there's no mosquitoes! (I just killed 2 when I was typing this).


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Sun

Something's missing by John Mayer

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check- Money -check-
A well slept -check- Opposite sex -check- Guitar -check- Microphone -check- Messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

GPS

Okay it has been a long while since I last updated my blog here... well... how should I describe my life at the moment? I got a car, which makes me happy and much more convenient in getting around the city. But... it's like there is a place /destination where I wanted to reach, therefore I start doing everything, I get a job, I bought a car, but then half way through, I'd forgotten why am I doing all this things? Where am I going to? Then I keep driving and driving, then a road sign caught my attention, then I just follow where the sign leads to... then I see another road sign, then I follow that way... then I keep driving and driving... sometimes I might receive some enjoyment along the way, but I'd totally forgotten why am I driving at the first place, and why am I here... Then I need a GPS, to key in my destination and follow it so that I will reach the right place.

I know having a relationship with God is the key of joyfulness, but why is it so hard to make myself to listen from Him? K I just need to pray and read the Word, and fellowship with other believers, yet it looks like a huge mountain to climb - seems overwhelmingly hard. Afraid of commitment? Scared of disappointment? Perhaps. But my life and relationships will never get in the right place until I've settled my relationship with God.

The more (materials) I get in life, the emptier the soul it seems. I can never be rich enough, pretty enough, smart enough, savvy enough compared with others. There are always someone better out there. Self-contented? Nah don't lie to yourself. What makes you self-contented? What is your dream? What do you want to achieve in life? What is your life purpose? Who created you and why? Where will you be in afterlife? Start think about it again and it might get you back into the right track.

Maslow's and God's hierarchy

All things are possible. it's about timing, and if God's willing. So there's fulfillment for bottom three levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Not necessary biblical, but this seems workable for me, and I'm searching for the top 2 now, esteem and self-actualisation. Yet I believe God has different priorities for the five needs and they come in different order. Perhaps in God, the triangle is upside down, from widest top to narrow bottom:

1. A relationship with God, knowing who He is and why are you here for.

2. Confidence in Christ, by knowing the purpose of soul redemption and recognising one's identity.

3. Fellowship with believers/Christ followers, by loving, serving and enjoying one another.

4. Fulfillment in serving God, taking part in His work of making disciples.

5. Experiencing God's grace and miracles in life.

Why man can't find fulfillment once he secures his life and having everything he needs? I know without God, I can never be fulfill the highest level in Maslow's hierarchy - self-actualisation, because there's no meaning to it without God. Am definitely not a good Christian but I got to admit life has no meaning without God. It will be another word for "self-actualisation" in God's hierarchy. It would be "joy-in-union"? or "submission in complete joyfulness"?

Thoughts for the moment

Indeed only in times of desperation and despair will draw me closer to God. Trying not to find all sorts of excuses but to say sorry to Him, and to make time and space to give thanks and worship Him. Life has been good so far and really thankful for things He has given. I shall not forget Him in times of 'abundance' and remember those times in 'poverty', He has been faithful. Am eyeing on a contemporary church seems not so strange to me, it's near my house and I'll try it out once I have my own car. Lord, I think it is the good and right time for me to come back, since I have been through certain things outside and walked with your faithful servants, I'll be more able to hold my character and remain conscious in the midst of worldly temptations. I won't say tomorrow will be the same or better, or I expect tomorrow will be better, for I understood this life is temporal, yet I give thanks to the Lord for his graciousness towards me in life until now. The promise is certain, the hope is reality, yet the road to there is unknown. Yet I need not be afraid, because I know that He will be always by my side until everlasting.

Transitions

Am feeling weird as my emotional state is going through some sort of "hormone-like" changes after start working. It's a time to adjust myself and fit into the environment. Just because I care, I try to handle relationships with colleagues and superiors carefully. As a semi-newbie in the corporate world, it is not so easy, at least not as easy as I thought when first stepping into my first job. I learnt to be humble, learnt to bow my head, learnt to submit, but my heart looks to God, as if I work for Christ alone. I'm still feeling like a weirdo, try to be cool but not so cool, try to be myself but not so myself. It takes time to stabilise. Like a boat going through a windy, narrow river, try not to hit the shore, that is how I feel. Try not to make mistake, try not to offend anyone, try to blend. It's ok, it takes time, I'll get used to it. So far, I like this job, and enjoy it. I am very grateful to God's answer to my prayers. I hope I be a light and salt for Christ in my workplace.

Next things to come up: buying a car, finding a church. May the Lord guides.

Malaysians are getting there...

This is the day that I can keep my head up high and telling the world that I'm proud of being a Malaysian! On my way back home from work this evening, something amazed me at the LRT platform... everyone was queuing orderly waiting for the train! Well, perhaps in other developed countries that was something so common that not worthy of mentioning at all. Yet in Malaysia, where we need public advocacy to make us more considerate, courteous and 'civilised' in many ways, that was something encouraging to see. Compared to our neighbouring country, which their citizens were trained or 'forced' to adhere to their advanced crowd control systems, I like to see our people being considerate and orderly out of their own good will. What if our streets are as clean as our neighbouring country even without enforcing strict laws on littering? What if we maintain our Malaysian friendliness and hospitality even when are quickly advancing ourselves into a more developed and competitive nation? What if we become more considerate while driving and learn to give way to each other? I'm sure we have a great potential to surpass many countries in terms of quality of living and social harmony (and of course I love the weather... and many other things!). Keep it up Malaysia, I believe you can make it!

Brushing Up My Writing

I know I'm on my way to my dream, but how long, how hard, and what I need to overcome on this path, I do not know yet. I was being assigned some writing jobs at work during my first week. Writing, something came through my mind before, but never dared to dream about. I remembered my English tutor at the Learning Centre took much effort trying to correct my grammatical mistakes (whoops I hope my boss is not reading this), and I did try hard to improve and write more stuffs after that. Okay, perhaps my grammar is not perfect, but I think it's good enough, understandable. Next, creative writing - being creative, being catchy. Well that's a huge challenge. I have to think of some catchy phrase to catch the reader's attention and make something boring like science interesting to read on. I enjoy the thrill of the excitement of being 'entrusted', challenged and 'seeing' my writings on the publications and other media channels. Yet I'm aware of the difficulties might come along and at times when things just doesn't seem right - for example, being stuck and no inspiration to write.

Am I thinking too much? Perhaps. It's good to have some self realisation. (?) By now I just have to read more, write more and get inspired more. I can see the person I want to be, my dream, as a nutrition writer, an educator, someone who can make a difference. I know where I am now, and it can't be done without God's interventions (not that He needs to perform a huge miracle), but I can only say that if the Lord wills, the dream can be achieved, and all the glory goes to Him. Ultimately, I hope my life will mean something, for being part of His work on earth, and what I do, what I dreamt of, will never ever be done in vain.

I am serving the Lord Christ

Received a call this morning for an interview tomorrow! First job interview for the year *sweats*. Read about Abraham's servant in searching for Rebekkah this morning and learnt this verse from Colossians 3:22~24:

Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Oh it hits me straight away. I like the last phrase: I am serving the Lord Christ! Amen!

Ecclesiastes 12:1

Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
"I find no pleasure in them"

Lil thought

Not to do what I perceived as what I can do, but to do what God tells me to do, according to the potential which He has placed in me.

Missing New Zealand

Have some friends going to New Zealand recently and it stirs up my heart and makes me want to go back again. I left the country and refused to go back due to some personal reasons and not so good memories near the end of my stay. Yet now I am able to put it down and start remembering all the good things that happened before and people who has been kind to me. I do not know when I will be back again to that land under long white cloud where seems so far away, but I always feel that part of me has never left...

sheep, cows, lambs, ewes, mountains, lakes, kiwis, cherries, berries, queenstown, bungee, gondola, arrowtown, te anau, mirror lakes, milford sound, doubtful sound, nakedbus, tramping, walking tracks, riverton, invercargill, christmas, helicopter, cafe, restaurant, massey, ocf, bikes, fresh air, winter, ski, cold, grace city church, baptism, lectures, assignments, graduation, latte art, library, gorge, windfarm, foxton, marae, easter camp, tscf conference, slc, road trips, wine, dolphins, seals, albatross, whales, fantails, kowhai, cabbage tree, maori, kia ora, pounamu, hangi, hongi, kapiti ice cream, ambrosia, pavlova, potluck, ball, themed parties, movie nights, phnom penh, plaza, sakura festival, cherry blossoms, victoria esplanade, te papa, christchurch, casino, dunedin, octagon, southern lakes, queen charlotte sound, lake manapouri, manapouri water station, humpridge track, kepler track, tourists, new year eves, christmas carols, orientation, kiwi culture night, international food night, ski trip, barbeque, sausages, steak, speights, tui, brooke fraser, op shop, evermore, all blacks, black caps, all whites, tall blacks, rugby, cricket, pohutukawa, kahawai, herings, whitebait, snapper, fishing, easter, jaffas, cadbury, chocolates, hot water bottles, saturday markets, countdown, whitcoulls, pak n save, new world, woolworths, bnz, national bank, new zealand post, lotto, oyster bay merlot, sauvingnon blanc, gewurtztramminer, cocktails, spring, roses, bible studies, prayer meetings, driving, chinese shop, cafe cuba, chillatos, cha, shapeshifter, powderfinger, cinderella, swan lake...

not that they all happened to me but I just remembered those stuff, of course all the people related to them as well...

Lessons today

Human often find it hard to believe that God protects and saves us according to His grace. We tend to try to protect ourselves with our own ways.

When I thought, "my foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. Ps 94:18

Watch and pray that you may not enter temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Mk 14:38

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. 1 Cor. 10:12

If we are faithless, he remains faithful. 2 Tim. 2:13

With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Mt 19:26

Jesus model for prayer teaches us first to get in harmony with the divine purpose. Once you understand that, you won't treat God as if He were some utilitarian genie who is stuck granting your wishes because He promised you riches in Christ - and you won't view prayer quite as selfishly. - 'Lord, teach me to pray', John MacArthur