Goodbye

It is over, finally

Everything is over

Nothing to hold on

Nothing to miss

It has gone

No longer controlled by you

No longer suffer quietly in that secret corner

No more tears for you

No more waste of time

You never deserve it

Let go, recharge, and move on.

Switch my focus

I swear I will live better without you

One day you will understand everything

Maybe

But it will be too late

The damage has been done

The deep scar you gave me

There is nothing could repair

Thank you tho

For let me learn how much love would cost

I will ever more cherish the love of the Cross

Glad that I tried my best

I gave my all

However

That is it, no more

Once again I will look upon the Cross

Only He deserves my all.

Rock of Ages, Cleft for Me

Text: Augustus M. Toplady, 1740-1778
Music: Thomas Hastings, 1784-1872

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee;
let the water and the blood,
from thy wounded side which flowed,
be of sin the double cure;
save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labors of my hands
can fulfill thy law's commands;
could my zeal no respite know,
could my tears forever flow,
all for sin could not atone;
thou must save, and thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
simply to the cross I cling;
naked, come to thee for dress;
helpless, look to thee for grace;
foul, I to the fountain fly;
wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
when mine eyes shall close in death,
when I soar to worlds unknown,
see thee on thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee. 

Introduced by Scott Mackay at TSCF conference last year, I fell in love with this song at the first time I hear it. May this song be the words from my heart.

Memory

by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Midnight, not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is shining alone.
In the lamplight the whithered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan.
Daylight, see the dew on the sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses wither away
Like the sunflower I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day
Now Old Deuteronomy, just before dawn
Through a silence you feel you could cut with a knife
Announces the cat who can now be reborn
And come back to a different jellicle life
Memory, turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Sunlight, through the trees in the summer
Endless masquerading
Like a flower as the dawn is breaking
The memory is fading
Touch me, it's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun

Lord I miss you

Yesterday I did something which I deeply regret now even how I tried to persuade myself it’s ok. I dyed my hair. Convinced by my mother I should lighten my hair colour so I won’t look too serious. However due to lack of hair dye choosing experience I chose a very light colour that doesn’t suit me at all. And I realised something, not only I lost my original healthy black colour which the Lord gave me, I lost myself too.

No matter how long I lived here, I always feel lost. Home is unlike home. Concrete jungle and a cage-like apartment is never my cup of tea. I have to admit that I miss New Zealand. I miss the mountains, lakes, rivers and the sea. They don’t seemed as dynamic as the hustle bustle in the big city, but they have more life compared to everything here, they are the creation of God, which created for humans.

My soul feels empty, one day emptier than another. Trying hard to catch up with the fashion and make up stuff and fill up the expectation of my mother after she criticised my outward appearance. I tried to be “beautiful” according to the standards of city people, it is almost ‘compulsory’ to read fashion magazines and buy the “right” cosmetic kits for myself. Still, the more I indulge in it, the more I feel empty, and destroy the original beauty: imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious (1 Peter 3:4).

Lord, living in a city bombarded by the temptations to buy, and doing nothing for building up your Kingdom, is much worse than living in poverty and persecuted by bearing your name. I wished I can serve You, but why is it so hard? I do not ask for fame, wealth, career or even marriage, I just want to serve You. But I don’t even have the channel to do it. I failed to see your Glory, and failed to show it to others. I live as indifference with the world even my heart does not want to. Show me a way out, show me a way Lord, I can do whatever You will, just to bring meaning to my life.

Division

My mother and my brother are those who hear the word of God and do it.

“Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. For from now on in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.

No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.

I said I don't care

When this life is is going to be over? Glad that I don’t have much attachment in life my life on earth, so I am ready to return to Jesus anytime He appointed. Life is exhausting, I have no more energy. What remaining is hatred and dissatisfaction. I am ashamed to be called as a Christian, I have sinned greatly against whom I declared to believe. I have come to a point that am too shameful to ask for forgiveness. Just like many other Christians, I am a hypocrite. I have seen no genuine love, nor be able to show genuine love to other people. I am helpless against everything, unable to listen from God, unable to teach the Bible. What is any use for me as a Christian? How long should I be waiting? There is no hope. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be pure and blameless in this corrupted world, lest I have the capacity to endure. Truth is no where to be taught, love is no where to be seen, or I have hardened my heart so I could not hear the truth, and could not accept the love from God? Why do I have a brother like that? Why do I live in a society like this? Why am I not a princess?

Who cares? I am sick of all this, I don’t care.