Heroes of faith and The Great Hero

I knew God was speaking to me at church today. Thanks Pa Yahya. I will again strengthen my weak knees and lift up my drooping hands, and continue to walk on according to His strength in this road of life filled with trials and tribulations.

My emotions still relatively unstable, but feeling a lot better than past few weeks. Just finished Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallows last night. I reckon it was a great piece of literature. Reading it in light of the gospel, it moved me and lifted my hopes up in real life. Life itself is an adventure. As I admire the adventures, tears and joys in the story, I realised that it can happen and is happening in my own life too. Miracles are not a myth, the possibility of victory over death exists in the revelation of Christ's power on the Cross. Life is not meaningless, purposeless, there is something to it, something for us to fight for, to win for. Harry Potter did not know what he was suppose to do, he even doubted Dumbledore. Yet he chose to obey his instructions and kept his promise. It costed blood and lives, but it was rewarding in the end for a great cause. That's what's it's all about, to fulfil the God-given destiny, fight and stand in faith until the return of my dearest King. Harry is a fictional figure, but Jesus Christ is real, he chosed to lay down His own life, nobody force or kill him. He has the courage to walk towards death even He knows how much it will cost Him. He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed... I'm like a dumb sheep gone astray, did not trust him and a mockery to his name. Yet he is patient towards me, for he knows what I am. He cares, he knows my every thoughts, he knows my every sin, he knows my end, and He has saved me before I know it. He is my true saviour. He is my real hero.

This book reminded me a lot of things, especially the spiritual battle fought as a community of Christians, not as individuals. Our predecessors had fought the good fight, we are fighting now, and we ought to pass down the legacy to the next generation, until the victory is won. It reminds me of Hebrews 12, we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses (I always thought who these witnesses are, now I think it refers to the previous chapters, to great warriors of faith like Abraham, Moses, David, Samuel, Peter, Paul... and it goes on, to St. Augustine, Hudson Taylor, Mother Teresa, Wang Mingdao, Jim and Elisabeth Elliot, William Wilberforce, Jonathan Edwards, Martin Luther... many many more unknown names, and the battle goes on... ), and please, lay down every heavy weight and sin that clings so closely, let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, look up to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Never give up.

Amen.

Stuck

I don't know what is it that bothering me, but the weight of the pain actually turned my face away from God. I'm tired for asking for His grace upon me, I'm too tired to ask. Life's greatest despair is to lose one's hope. One might think that it's only a job, why so upset about it? I don't think it's about work only, why am I bearing the debts of my family, because of that moment of pleasure to study overseas? All my hardwork in earning a degree just to be enslaved for more money? I want freedom, freedom to choose, freedom to go, not to tied up here like a prisoner. There will be no ending of earning money, the gaps will never be filled. How do I run, if my legs are being tied up to a big heavy rock? Above all, I'm disappointed with my family, all they want is to me to earn more and pay off their debts, don't care what I suffer at the moment, even I asked them a few times to go back. For God, if He is there watching me, why is He letting me to face all these alone and not doing anything? For the world, there is no mercy, only self profit and self edifying, and I will not ask for its mercy. Where should I turn to? I have no where to go.

Numb

Numb lyrics
Songwriters: Bennington, Chester; Shinoda, Mike; Bourdon, Rob; Delson, Brad; Farrell, Darren; Hahn, Joseph;

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

This is the best words for how I feel for my boss, and maybe God right now. It's more than numb now but it soon will be. Don't know since when I start crying everytime I talk to her. Now I just cry for no reason, even when I see or think of her, I become depressed and helpless. It's like the dog in the psychology experiment whereby the bell was rang everytime the dog was fed, and then the dog naturally produces saliva when the bell rang even when the food was not there. I am not a dog, the point is, because most of the time I get accused and blamed for making mistakes when she talks to me, I will automatically set up my defensive mechanisms. I don't know who is overreacting here, me or her, but I just feel overwhelmed by the weight of blame in the office.

I work very hard, so hard until I compromised my time for church, family, friends and even quiet time. I OT everyday for almost 3-4 hours a day. Not appreciated but was recognised as rubbish and idiotic executive who does not performs and think through things.

I have a feeling i'm getting a rating '4' for the next appraisal, if not in psychiatric ward. If only I have a choice... just because I am not a citizen of a developed a rich country with huge debts from home because so much spent on my degree in new zealand. I won't say what is fair or unfair, because basically the world is never fair, and basically we deserve it, because unfortunately our great-great-great-greatest grandpa and grandma Adam and Eve had betrayed God. So unfortunately we cannot but sin, and unfortunately we need to live with it and accept life as it is. I wished I am always stupid or always smart, not smart when I'm suppose to be stupid and stupid when I'm suppose to be smart.

I can't see the way out, truly. Neither in future work, nor in better life. It is God's will for me to be tortured, if it is for His glory.

My Help Comes from the LORD

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your helper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

Morning at Botanic Gardens

I took this picture at the eco lake in Botanic Gardens, Singapore. I enjoyed the serenity of the moment in which can hardly be found in other places in Singapore. This photo further evokes my desire to be a photographer. I don't know if I can make a living out of it, but certainly I will not give up that dream, to travel and take nature and landscape photographs, to display the beauty of creation. There's still long way to go, to switch from pratical to artistic, yet that is my little dream.

Psalm 119:25-48

My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word!
When I told of my ways, you answered me;
teach me you statutes!
Make me understand the way of your precepts,
and I will meditate on your wondrous works.
My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!
Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law!
I have chosen the way of faithfulness, I set your rules before me.
I cling to your testimonies, O LORD; let me not be put to shame!
I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!

Teach me, O LORD, the way of your statutes; and I will keep it to the end.
Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.
Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it.
Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!
Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things;
and give me life in your ways.
Confirm to your servant your promise that you may be feared.
Turn away the reproach that I dread, for your rules are good.
Behold, I long for your precepts;
in your righteousness give me life!

Let your steadfast love come to me, O LORD,
your salvation according to your promise;
then shall I have an answer for him who taunts me,
for I trust in your word.
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth,
for my hope is in your rules.
I will keep your law continually, forever and ever,
and I shall walk in a wide place,
for I have sought your precepts.
I will also speak of your testimonies before kings
and shall not be put to shame,
for I find my delight in your commandments, which I love.
I will lift up my hands toward your commandments, which I love,
and I will meditate on your statutes.

Monologue

I don't know where I heard this before, but it is so true to describe my status right now: "when one tried so hard yet failed to achieve anything, the person will turn and go the opposite way." It starts in my work life, then it infected my personal life, then spiritual life, eating me up bit by bit. Dreams which seemed so close are now going further and further away from reality. I can't believe I had been through life in Kuching and New Zealand, there were like a dream, as if I've never been there before. Suddenly I could not recognise myself anymore, I am a stranger to myself.

I looked at the past I admired it, I look to my dreams I adored it, all the possibilities in life. Yet when I look at the present, the past and future vanished, it kills joy and hope. Nothing describe my current feeling better than sadness and emptiness. The perception of despair in life has driven a change in my character, I have to admit I am no longer who I was. I no longer have the passion in my heart, it became an insatiable, unreachable longing for the life I once dreamt of. I become cold hearted, hard, tough person at work, I become a person whom I used to hate and refuse to become. How scary that is, what politics and environment can change a person.

I look at myself, the Anne I used to know, I said to her, hey Anne, where are you now? Where are you, the one who loves God and passionate about life and people? Anne, you once enjoyed everything surrounding you so much, even the unnoticeable things you can appreciate, but now why you are so discontented? Anne, can't you remember that God was so gracious to you, that you experienced what most people would not experience in the world? You have been to New Zealand, you had tasted how good how wonderful God's creation can be. You tasted the goodness of the Lord, His love and faithfulness when you are weakest and loneliest, you experienced his love! Oh how forgetful and unappreciative you are! How can you complain when God withhold his goodness for this time even he promised an eternal life for you? Do you accept only the blessings but not the afflictions he sent? What gives you the right to choose? Who do you think you are? You better laugh when God accepted you as His child, don't be greedy and you got to be patient. Only those who are able to prepare themselves and wait upon Him will be blessed in the day of His return.

Remind yourself of His goodness, Anne, remind yourself of who He is. Who are you but a mere created being? Who are you to question God's goodness? Humble yourself before Him and revere His holiness and beauty. Clothe yourself with the righteousness which comes from the Lamb of God. Go, run, kneel before Him and worship Him, confess your sins before Him, and you may receive the grace of healing. Go Anne, for He is slow to anger and abound in love, He will forgive you according to His steadfast love. Tell Him your troubles, your angers, your frustrations, your disappointments. He is there willing to listen and being patient to you. Pour out to Him, and honor His name, you will receive healing and strength.

Love Him, Anne, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength. Remember to look upon the cross, where He spread out His arms and nailed for your sins. Remember he has risen and conquered the curse of sin and death. Remember he is alive, at this very moment, He is alive, and watching you typing every single word here. Remember. Don't forget the Promises, He is able to guard your inheritance, your faith till you return to your heavenly home.

Therefore, serve Him, with grace and truth, tend His sheep. Feed the hungry, quench the thirst. Be blessed by being His messenger, carrier of the gospel, to every corners where He intends to redeem. Just rest in His promises and faithfulness, rest in Him, surrender yourself to Him, let Him lead you, protect you, guide you. And you will never regret of this precious life given by Him!

Amen.

St. Francis Prayer

Recharging mode

Gosh I got two days MC. Was coughing badly, runny nose and extremely exhausted. Somehow still feeling guilty for taking sick leave. I guess it's time to re-think my life, the way I live, behave and do things. I have been side tracked recently, not knowing what I'm doing, just getting by day by day. A voice telling me that that's not right, I need to "re-calibrate" myself with God's will in my life.

As I am already stressed for things getting out of control at work, I stress myself further for being guilty not going to work and thinking I might be trying to escape subconsciously. And there is a voice telling me, go rest, sleep and eat, then get up and walk again, like Elijah. I don't make equal my boss with Jezebel chasing Elijah, but the situation is similar. Elijah was wearied and exhausted, so do I.

Thank God giving me this time off, so I can re-think about my attitude towards things. I confess that I am not putting all effort at work, and am focusing on the escape routes. I no longer have the courage to confront the problems and people, rather putting my head in the sand like the ostrich. Obviously this is not going to help at all. Lord, not matter what will happen in a few months time, I thank you for giving me this job. I repent for my sins of being slack and cold hearted. Revive me Lord, give me that passion to serve again, to serve my boss, the patients, my colleagues and subordinates. Forgive me for taking things lightly. Revive me, give me wisdom and strength again to be a good witness and testimony for You. I am ashamed for who I am and what I'm doing right now. Please give me a new chance and make it right. Show me the way out and solutions to the problems and issues. Lead me to do your will, and I shall give all glory to your name. Amen.

Weak again

Sometimes I just wish that I'm a bit more consistent in my character. It just shatters too easily when things seem too difficult to overcome in life. I'm feeling frustrated recently, mainly because of work, I feel very discouraged and unmotivated since I have been criticized everyday that I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not performing at all etc.

I have been thinking lots. Especially on my vision in life and what are the options etc. Always come to the conclusion that I want to do so much, but there is so little that I can do. My European dream is farther and farther away since my mum told me there's a huge bank debt due to my study in NZ needs to be paid off. Changing job means that I will get a lesser pay job, and before that I need to get my PR before I can hop somewhere else. Argh, why is life so hard?

I'm just very tired again, physically, mentally, and spiritually weak. I know I need some rest, but no matter how long I slept I'm still drained, unable to recharge. Why oh why... Lord give me strength, vision and hope.

Our Loving Father Carrying Us Through Life

This morning in my quiet time God revealed the idea of him carrying us through in our lives. In Deuteronomy 1:29, when God called Moses to bring the Israelites into the hill country of Amorites, the Israelites were afraid that God is going to destroy them. Then Moses said to them, "Do not be in dread or afraid of them. The LORD your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the LORD carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place." Deut 1:29-31

The idea of God came to fight for the Israelites and carries them all the way through into the promise land is overwhelming. He's not just up there watching them struggling but he involves! Therefore when we look back in our lives, isn't God carrying us through until now in the midst of difficulties and uncertainties?

In another occasion in Isaiah 30, the Israelites went to seek refuge and protection from Pharaoh in Egypt instead of asking God for direction. Yet God says, "In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and trust shall be your strength." Isa 30:15

My understanding for this verse is to repent and rest in his promises, and be calm in our soul while waiting upon him in trust we are strengthened. And one day we shall weep no more (Isa 30:19), and he will be gracious to us that as soon as he hears our cry, he answers us, and though he gives us the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet he will hide himself no more but our eyes shall see him.

Jesus says Matthew 11:28 'Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.'

May our eyes be opened and find rest in His Truth. Amen

Sorry can't put words in a whole sentence

Tired
Afraid
Prayed
Regained strength
Went to work
Okay
Sudden appraisal from boss
Upset but sober
Busy
Sad
Public Lecture
St Andrews
Alister McGrath
Awesome
Before the throne of God above
In Christ Alone
Be thou my vision
Cried
Repented for my sins
Seek for a specific vision from God
I am special and unique to God
He will always be with me Matt 28
Joshua 9
Romans 12:2
...
Pearl - kingdom - precious
I am unique which something only I can do
Vision:
1. Who God is
2. What is the gospel and its impact
2. Who we are

will be continue and refined...

Today

Frustrated at work, desire for a change. Want to go Europe and go nomadic. Need to survive and support others, how? Am I thinking too much? Ah, who cares, it will all work out.

Want to be more 'humanised', loving, kind and feminine. Sick of being logical (nor I'm a Vulcan), rational, and firm. I want to be myself. I miss me.

Father I'm running into your arms again, being your little daughter, seeking your comfort and protection. I'm resting in your arms, listening to your gentle whisper, letting go of every worrisome tasks in the world...

Tomorrow will have tomorrow's worries. Let me finish off today with a good rest in peace.

God is My Strength and Portion Forever

Was reading Ps 73 last night and this morning. As I am exhausted and wearisome from work, God has given these words to me:

When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

May these words engraved in my heart always, indeed Your grace is sufficient for the day. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I will do my part well, and leave the worries and anxieties to you. I will lift up my burden from my shoulder and offer them to you. My life is not mine, I am a slave for Jesus alone, therefore I have been set free from the enslavement of others. May you use me as a channel for your light, grace, mercy and love. May others see no longer me but Christ in me. Ah may all glory be unto your name. Fill me with your Spirit of power and love, no more timidity. May I be a blessing for somebody today!

Amen

It is well with my soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain

Escape

Glad that this week is over. It has been heavy, stressful and hectic. Need a rest. Offended people at work, showed my weakness and bad attitude towards others. I am an individualist, could not stand and accept certain things and I will not compromise.

Maybe this is not the job for me. I want to be an artist. I want to paint, to photograph, to write, to compose, to craft. Yet sadly that side of me is dying day after day. I'm losing my skills and ability to express each day. Everyday I struggle to accept the way life is, as what everyone has been telling me. I pretend to be content, I give thanks, yet something is there pleading for me to escape.

Yes, my word for the moment: Escape. Just want to escape, no matter where, as far as possible from this horrible place. Don't want to be controlled, don't want to be manipulated, don't want to be restricted, don't want to be limited. Yet I pose another question: what makes me deserve to escape? If this is for me, should I run away from the 'fate', the life that is being planned for me?

God, what is obedience? I try to obey you everyday, yet I failed. Is obedience accept the way life is and endure through it all? Is it rebellious to choose my road and walk the life I prefer to? What is right and what is wrong? What is your will?

Nothing seems ever changed. I thought I had, but everything comes back again. My attitude, my bad temper, my confusions, my doubts, my depression, my low self esteem, all coming back again. I though I had conquered it over the years, yet it all came back again, I feel like a double failure, even worse than before. Why can't I just change and be good? the peaceful way.

I feel less Christian now, I know what I'm talking about, you don't have to talk to me in a Christian way. I know I am not Christian at this moment. I know I need to repent and submit myself to God. But the anger is burning in my heart and it is growing. I'm tired, just tired.

Not justifying any of my thoughts or behaviour. I'm just telling how I feel right now. I need some rest, simply. Homesick. Lonely.

I meant to be a loner. This is who I am, rebellious, weird, difficult to live with, difficult to please, difficult to understand.

The Anchor

The Lord is my Rock, when I am lost wandering in the seas of uncertainties, He alone is my Rock whom I need to anchor with faith on. The Rock is definitely strong enough to hold my little boat of life, but it depends on how big is my anchoring faith to hold it. Lord, give me a super duper huge anchor so that I can cling on You the Mighty Rock even in the midst of fiercest storm!

Being disciplined by Father

I rather take risks for Christ than seek security and comfort for myself. For which is scarier: the challenges in front of my eyes, or separation from God eternally, or seeing people around separate from God eternally? I can never turn back to the life I was in, though sometimes I was tempted. Not that I am going to do something so great and fearful in life, but the more I know the Truth, the more I hunger for something greater than the life in the past. Sometimes I feel very lonely, like no one could understand or walk with me, especially when my family don't understand. It would be the best if my family could love God and worship God more and walk with me in this battle of life. Maybe this is not their calling.

I kept thinking of Christ crucified on the cross and the nails going through His hands and feet after came back from listening to khorale's performance at Esplanade. They were singing a hymn called "were you there?", I can only remember the words of the song were: "were you there, when Christ was crucified? Each time I think of it I would tremble..." Why is Christ crucified? What was the price he paid and what was he paying for? He either was mad, a liar, or He was speaking the truth. If Christ can crucify himself so lonely on the cross, what makes him willing to do so? Isn't it the joy of setting his children free and enjoy the relationship with God the Father forever?

I tremble. I do tremble. It's just work right? Why am I having so much fear to face tomorrow? Even the people are so mean, even problems are so many, even big decisions need to be made., even time is not enough, even my body is weak.. If God would give His son for us, who can be against us? Who can separate us from the love of God in Christ?

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly in the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." ...

but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for you feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled... (Hebrews 12:3-15)

I love this passage of the bible... it speaks right through me at the moment, nothing seems more appropriate. What are my struggles? Have I shed my blood? My hands are droopy, knees are weak indeed, but I need to strengthen myself and walk straight again. I had failed to make peace with people at work, that's exactly what I need to work on, because if I have not being gracious to other people, how am I going to obtain grace from God? And if I am bitter because other being mean to me, I will start defend myself and making waves of troubles... and that would not make me a good witness for God...

Can I get through all this? If He is my helper, will I still fear? If I still fear, that means I do not know him nor believe in Him. If I have no fear because even He is helping me, what can mere human being do to me?

Can I be joyful and content? Yes I can. I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to be abound. In any and every circumstance , I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. Just simply because I can do all things through HIM who strengthens me (Philippians 4:11-13). May all praise and worship be to the Holy God alone. Amen.

Balinese Court Gamelan Semara Pagulingan

A Tapestry of Sacred Music

One thing I like about Singapore is the free arts and cultural performances and exhibitions. I went to a music festival in Esplanade called 'a Tapestry of Sacred Music' on last Sunday and watched chorale, Indian tabla and sitar performance, and Balinese Court Gamelan.