Wait, I'm getting there.

How many times will I be rejected until I get the right one? When I look back what was happening in my past year since graduation, I think I’m surviving pretty well, thank God I never attempted to kill myself. I try not to see things in that way, rather praise God in the midst of the crisis in my life. I was graduated without a direction, was facing financial problems while I was in NZ. I was forced to work as a cleaner to support my living, I was refused by companies which I applied jobs for. My church and fellowship undergo dynamic changes, and to escape from everything, I moved to Te Anau. I was very tired and stressful working there, to make it worse my boyfriend dumped me when I need him the most. Then I made some minor plans before I head home, hopefully can rest temporarily in my own sanctuary. Then I was facing reverse culture shock, I could not find a job, I could not cope with anything, I don’t want to go to church, I never hang out with my friends, and I withdrew myself from the world…

But thank God it wasn’t too bad at all. I feel much better now and start getting comfortable staying at home. The worst thing I need to do is getting to a job interview. The only thing that disturbing me is, is this what God intends me to do? Is this a process of refining my character, or a result of a series of bad decisions made?

I can’t stop questioning: why ‘everyone else’ is enjoying their life? Why ‘everyone else’ has a much smoother road to walk on than I do? Why ‘everyone else’ seems normal and I feel left out from the society, or the world? I am very sure that my IQ is not too much lower than an average working human, and my EQ is not too terrible than some awfully rich people or politicians.

God knows how much I can endure, he knows that I can handle all this and still firm in faith. It is rather encouraging to hear stories like Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Addison or William Carey about how success cannot be achieved easily. It would be a definite huge success and testimony if I manage to overcome this crisis; I’m looking forward to that day. And I know I will have the opportunities to use this experience to encourage others to trust in God. As long as I stand on and not give into negative aspects. I’m rather peaceful that I don’t expect God to give me ‘the best life’ after being faithful to Him. I don’t expect the successes and glories that I will gain if I believe God loves me. I believe God is good, He is powerful, and He loves me. full stop.

It doesn’t matter right? One day I will see the purpose of all this, one day I will see Him face to face and I will know everything spontaneously. I don’t need the approval or appreciation from another human being, because it is more than enough that the highest God knows me and loves me from the inside out. To be honest, I don't expect anything from this world, though I know there are beautiful places where I always want to visit, I know that the heaven will be much better. The only aim of my life at the moment is: being used by God to extend His Kingdom, that His glory will be magnified in whatever I do. I don't want to waste my life for any lesser purpose than this.

I cried

I'm deeply moved by the news on tv about earthquake in China. I wish I can do something but I can't really help these people. Lord I pray for your comfort and hope for the victims' families, I pray for the energy and efficiency of the rescuers so that they can save as many people as possible. I pray for your soothing and healing on their emotions. Pray that you will reveal yourself through adversities to these people. I pray for Myanmar will open it's door to receive foreign aids and stop letting so many people died unnecessarily in hunger and disease. I pray that this would be a reminder for all the Christians to question their faith and take You seriously. I pray that Christians will be united and step out to offer help and prayers for these people. I pray that Christians will show love and compassion for these people because of Jesus Christ.

More natural disasters, more people killed without hearing the gospel

One thing I love being stay at home is, I feel much closer to the real world. The real world where all suffering, wickedness, injustice happened, and there is a urgent need of the gospel for so many people.

In case you do not know what nature disaster is happening in the world, there are

China: 7.9 magnitude earthquake in Szechuan that kills nearly 10,000.

Myanmar: cyclone Nargis disaster that kills between 50,000 to 10,000, left 200,0000 homeless people.

America: Tornado in north-eastern Oklahoma

It used to be my response to question why all these are happening. But now I have a different response: I believe that God is in control in all these events, I do not know why or what is the purpose, I think I am too arrogant if I demand God’s explanation. My response is: what should be my response in view of God to worldly disasters?

There is a song that came into my head this morning, it is a Chinese hymn which lyrics taken from 1 Peter 4:7-8:

The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

I also read a passage from Ecclesiastes 11 this morning. Ecclesiastes 11:5-6

As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.

In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

Luke 21:34

“But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap. For it will come upon all who dwell on the face of the whole earth. But stay awake at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are going to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man.”

All of us will suffer, some choose not to suffer at the moment, for they think they could escape, others have no choice but suffer. The Bible says all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted (2 Timothy 3:12). God gave us believers a beautiful promise in the midst of persecution: you will be delivered up even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and some of you they will put to death. You will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But not a hair of your head will perish. By your endurance you will gain your lives (Luke 21:16-19).

My point is, you will suffer no matter what, even you cannot see where or when it is coming from. Know who you believe, stay awake, do not be deceived. Keep praying, be self-controlled and sober minded, love one another earnestly. Sow your seeds in the Kingdom of God, invest in the Kingdom of God, share the gospel, live a godly life, but remember it will cost your suffering and persecution. Enter through the narrow gate, and walk the narrow path, till that day you are proven faithful to God.

Don't forget to pray for disasters victims, pray for people's repentance, and pray for Christian brothers and sisters among them. Pray for God's mercy upon them, pray that food and aid will reach them as soon as possible.

Strong Youth Message

Lord, send your revival

I will not look back

I will not turn back to my sins

I will follow you, my loving Father

I was a lost sheep, and you found me

You chased me like a heavenly hound

I have no where to escape

Revive my soul O Lord

Revive my soul

Transform me into a new creation

Remember my sins no more

From now on I am yours

Forever I am yours

Fill me with the inexpressible joy

Though I shall suffer for your Name

Though this is a miserable world

I shall rejoice for the hope that is in you

The hope for justice

The hope for salvation

The hope for eternity

The hope to see you face-to-face

The hope of the satisfaction of soul

This hope will sustain me till the end of days

O Lord please humble me

O Lord, you are most worthy of all,

Worthy of our praises

Worthy of our worship

Worthy of our honour

Worthy of our obedience

Worthy of our service

Worthy of our love

All because you died for justice and love for us

Through the cross you bear our sins

You were forsaken by the Father

Smitten, afflicted, assaulted

Through the pain, the suffering, the torture

You expressed your mighty grace, unfailing love

O Lord there is none can compare

You humbled me to nothing,

I kneel before you,

Repenting for the depth of my sinfulness

I am desperate for your forgiveness

You have justified me, and please sanctify me.

Discipline me your child, teach me the right way

Lead me to the path of righteousness

I am ever hunger for your beauty, wonder

The glorious light that shines out by your holiness

Is the most beautiful light above all

You are the Supreme God, Highest of all

You alone are worthy of my worship and love

I need my dose of the Scripture

For he grew up before him like a young plant,

and like a root out of dry ground;

he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by men;

a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;

and as one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our grieves and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was wounded for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

Upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

And with his stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;

We have turned every one to his own way;

And the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,

yet he opened not his mouth;

like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,

and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,

so he opened not his mouth,

By oppression and judgment he was taken away;

and as for his generation,

who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living,

stricken for the transgression of my people?

And they made his grave with the wicked

and with a rich man in his death,

although he had done no violence,

and there was no deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;

he has put him to grief;

when his soul makes an offering for sin,

he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;

the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.

Isaiah 53:2~10

I need my dose of the Gospel

Everyone’s life has a purpose, according to God, so do I. But there is something that blocks me from achieving that purpose. I found myself in a situation in which I can’t trust anyone except my own parents, I can’t see how my dreams are going to achieve, I don’t want to work even I force myself, I dislike most employers.

Sin is like bacteria growing and creeping and eroding my soul, taking my hopes, dreams, courage, love, peace, confidence, trust… away.

There were incidents in my life that I thought were harmless or minor, in fact they had great impact. It seemed that in my life I’ve always been betrayed. Since I was about 3 years old a girl in kindy refuse to befriend me for no reason, and I was betrayed by my close friends in school for numerous times just because they can. In high school I was backstabbed by my classmate and my friends hated me for false truths. In college my close friend and her friends boycott me behind my back. During my first summer holiday my trust had betrayed by a recruitment agency, which took away the money which I earned with great effort. I was treated unfairly in a few part time jobs which I worked during study at university. I was betrayed in relationships, and then after a long time I thought I met the right one, I was betrayed again.

In all these incidents and relationships I never meant to hurt anyone. I was always sincere and tried to make peace with everyone, even more than that, to love these people around me. But in the end, I was always the one who being taken advantage of, being hated and forsaken for no reasons. Maybe I was not cool enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, and not proud enough to be their friend. Perhaps a good and sincere heart is never enough. A Chinese idiom says, “Kind horse is rode by man, kind person is taken advantage of/being bullied”. That is so true.

Sometimes there is only one way to explain and overcome all these hurts. I could not find any other better solution than Jesus. Not because this is my religion, but I don’t know what to say in view of Jesus. He is always sinless even he is fully human. I thought I wronged no one but I am still sinful. But He is holy, perfect in righteousness; and was betrayed all the time. He was hated by the world; people took advantage of him, mocked him, spat on him, slander him, claimed false truths about him, kill him… even until today people still do it all the time, hate him for no reasons. God is able to use His Mighty Power to wipe out humanity, but still He chose to die for us and want to forgive us, give us a second chance. My worldly mind can never comprehend how deep is His love, how holy He is, and how much my sinful nature and deeds had violated His perfection.

My rebellious nature has been refused, but in my consciousness I have no reason for not repenting for my sinfulness. I confess that there is no other god who could convince me to lovingly obey him. There is no god who is good enough, or holy enough to demand my repentance. Jesus’ love has put me to shock in silence.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. John 3:16-17