Wait, I'm getting there.

How many times will I be rejected until I get the right one? When I look back what was happening in my past year since graduation, I think I’m surviving pretty well, thank God I never attempted to kill myself. I try not to see things in that way, rather praise God in the midst of the crisis in my life. I was graduated without a direction, was facing financial problems while I was in NZ. I was forced to work as a cleaner to support my living, I was refused by companies which I applied jobs for. My church and fellowship undergo dynamic changes, and to escape from everything, I moved to Te Anau. I was very tired and stressful working there, to make it worse my boyfriend dumped me when I need him the most. Then I made some minor plans before I head home, hopefully can rest temporarily in my own sanctuary. Then I was facing reverse culture shock, I could not find a job, I could not cope with anything, I don’t want to go to church, I never hang out with my friends, and I withdrew myself from the world…

But thank God it wasn’t too bad at all. I feel much better now and start getting comfortable staying at home. The worst thing I need to do is getting to a job interview. The only thing that disturbing me is, is this what God intends me to do? Is this a process of refining my character, or a result of a series of bad decisions made?

I can’t stop questioning: why ‘everyone else’ is enjoying their life? Why ‘everyone else’ has a much smoother road to walk on than I do? Why ‘everyone else’ seems normal and I feel left out from the society, or the world? I am very sure that my IQ is not too much lower than an average working human, and my EQ is not too terrible than some awfully rich people or politicians.

God knows how much I can endure, he knows that I can handle all this and still firm in faith. It is rather encouraging to hear stories like Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Addison or William Carey about how success cannot be achieved easily. It would be a definite huge success and testimony if I manage to overcome this crisis; I’m looking forward to that day. And I know I will have the opportunities to use this experience to encourage others to trust in God. As long as I stand on and not give into negative aspects. I’m rather peaceful that I don’t expect God to give me ‘the best life’ after being faithful to Him. I don’t expect the successes and glories that I will gain if I believe God loves me. I believe God is good, He is powerful, and He loves me. full stop.

It doesn’t matter right? One day I will see the purpose of all this, one day I will see Him face to face and I will know everything spontaneously. I don’t need the approval or appreciation from another human being, because it is more than enough that the highest God knows me and loves me from the inside out. To be honest, I don't expect anything from this world, though I know there are beautiful places where I always want to visit, I know that the heaven will be much better. The only aim of my life at the moment is: being used by God to extend His Kingdom, that His glory will be magnified in whatever I do. I don't want to waste my life for any lesser purpose than this.