Something's missing by John Mayer

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check- Money -check-
A well slept -check- Opposite sex -check- Guitar -check- Microphone -check- Messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

GPS

Okay it has been a long while since I last updated my blog here... well... how should I describe my life at the moment? I got a car, which makes me happy and much more convenient in getting around the city. But... it's like there is a place /destination where I wanted to reach, therefore I start doing everything, I get a job, I bought a car, but then half way through, I'd forgotten why am I doing all this things? Where am I going to? Then I keep driving and driving, then a road sign caught my attention, then I just follow where the sign leads to... then I see another road sign, then I follow that way... then I keep driving and driving... sometimes I might receive some enjoyment along the way, but I'd totally forgotten why am I driving at the first place, and why am I here... Then I need a GPS, to key in my destination and follow it so that I will reach the right place.

I know having a relationship with God is the key of joyfulness, but why is it so hard to make myself to listen from Him? K I just need to pray and read the Word, and fellowship with other believers, yet it looks like a huge mountain to climb - seems overwhelmingly hard. Afraid of commitment? Scared of disappointment? Perhaps. But my life and relationships will never get in the right place until I've settled my relationship with God.

The more (materials) I get in life, the emptier the soul it seems. I can never be rich enough, pretty enough, smart enough, savvy enough compared with others. There are always someone better out there. Self-contented? Nah don't lie to yourself. What makes you self-contented? What is your dream? What do you want to achieve in life? What is your life purpose? Who created you and why? Where will you be in afterlife? Start think about it again and it might get you back into the right track.

Maslow's and God's hierarchy

All things are possible. it's about timing, and if God's willing. So there's fulfillment for bottom three levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Not necessary biblical, but this seems workable for me, and I'm searching for the top 2 now, esteem and self-actualisation. Yet I believe God has different priorities for the five needs and they come in different order. Perhaps in God, the triangle is upside down, from widest top to narrow bottom:

1. A relationship with God, knowing who He is and why are you here for.

2. Confidence in Christ, by knowing the purpose of soul redemption and recognising one's identity.

3. Fellowship with believers/Christ followers, by loving, serving and enjoying one another.

4. Fulfillment in serving God, taking part in His work of making disciples.

5. Experiencing God's grace and miracles in life.

Why man can't find fulfillment once he secures his life and having everything he needs? I know without God, I can never be fulfill the highest level in Maslow's hierarchy - self-actualisation, because there's no meaning to it without God. Am definitely not a good Christian but I got to admit life has no meaning without God. It will be another word for "self-actualisation" in God's hierarchy. It would be "joy-in-union"? or "submission in complete joyfulness"?

Thoughts for the moment

Indeed only in times of desperation and despair will draw me closer to God. Trying not to find all sorts of excuses but to say sorry to Him, and to make time and space to give thanks and worship Him. Life has been good so far and really thankful for things He has given. I shall not forget Him in times of 'abundance' and remember those times in 'poverty', He has been faithful. Am eyeing on a contemporary church seems not so strange to me, it's near my house and I'll try it out once I have my own car. Lord, I think it is the good and right time for me to come back, since I have been through certain things outside and walked with your faithful servants, I'll be more able to hold my character and remain conscious in the midst of worldly temptations. I won't say tomorrow will be the same or better, or I expect tomorrow will be better, for I understood this life is temporal, yet I give thanks to the Lord for his graciousness towards me in life until now. The promise is certain, the hope is reality, yet the road to there is unknown. Yet I need not be afraid, because I know that He will be always by my side until everlasting.

Transitions

Am feeling weird as my emotional state is going through some sort of "hormone-like" changes after start working. It's a time to adjust myself and fit into the environment. Just because I care, I try to handle relationships with colleagues and superiors carefully. As a semi-newbie in the corporate world, it is not so easy, at least not as easy as I thought when first stepping into my first job. I learnt to be humble, learnt to bow my head, learnt to submit, but my heart looks to God, as if I work for Christ alone. I'm still feeling like a weirdo, try to be cool but not so cool, try to be myself but not so myself. It takes time to stabilise. Like a boat going through a windy, narrow river, try not to hit the shore, that is how I feel. Try not to make mistake, try not to offend anyone, try to blend. It's ok, it takes time, I'll get used to it. So far, I like this job, and enjoy it. I am very grateful to God's answer to my prayers. I hope I be a light and salt for Christ in my workplace.

Next things to come up: buying a car, finding a church. May the Lord guides.

Malaysians are getting there...

This is the day that I can keep my head up high and telling the world that I'm proud of being a Malaysian! On my way back home from work this evening, something amazed me at the LRT platform... everyone was queuing orderly waiting for the train! Well, perhaps in other developed countries that was something so common that not worthy of mentioning at all. Yet in Malaysia, where we need public advocacy to make us more considerate, courteous and 'civilised' in many ways, that was something encouraging to see. Compared to our neighbouring country, which their citizens were trained or 'forced' to adhere to their advanced crowd control systems, I like to see our people being considerate and orderly out of their own good will. What if our streets are as clean as our neighbouring country even without enforcing strict laws on littering? What if we maintain our Malaysian friendliness and hospitality even when are quickly advancing ourselves into a more developed and competitive nation? What if we become more considerate while driving and learn to give way to each other? I'm sure we have a great potential to surpass many countries in terms of quality of living and social harmony (and of course I love the weather... and many other things!). Keep it up Malaysia, I believe you can make it!

Brushing Up My Writing

I know I'm on my way to my dream, but how long, how hard, and what I need to overcome on this path, I do not know yet. I was being assigned some writing jobs at work during my first week. Writing, something came through my mind before, but never dared to dream about. I remembered my English tutor at the Learning Centre took much effort trying to correct my grammatical mistakes (whoops I hope my boss is not reading this), and I did try hard to improve and write more stuffs after that. Okay, perhaps my grammar is not perfect, but I think it's good enough, understandable. Next, creative writing - being creative, being catchy. Well that's a huge challenge. I have to think of some catchy phrase to catch the reader's attention and make something boring like science interesting to read on. I enjoy the thrill of the excitement of being 'entrusted', challenged and 'seeing' my writings on the publications and other media channels. Yet I'm aware of the difficulties might come along and at times when things just doesn't seem right - for example, being stuck and no inspiration to write.

Am I thinking too much? Perhaps. It's good to have some self realisation. (?) By now I just have to read more, write more and get inspired more. I can see the person I want to be, my dream, as a nutrition writer, an educator, someone who can make a difference. I know where I am now, and it can't be done without God's interventions (not that He needs to perform a huge miracle), but I can only say that if the Lord wills, the dream can be achieved, and all the glory goes to Him. Ultimately, I hope my life will mean something, for being part of His work on earth, and what I do, what I dreamt of, will never ever be done in vain.

I am serving the Lord Christ

Received a call this morning for an interview tomorrow! First job interview for the year *sweats*. Read about Abraham's servant in searching for Rebekkah this morning and learnt this verse from Colossians 3:22~24:

Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Oh it hits me straight away. I like the last phrase: I am serving the Lord Christ! Amen!

Ecclesiastes 12:1

Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
"I find no pleasure in them"

Lil thought

Not to do what I perceived as what I can do, but to do what God tells me to do, according to the potential which He has placed in me.

Missing New Zealand

Have some friends going to New Zealand recently and it stirs up my heart and makes me want to go back again. I left the country and refused to go back due to some personal reasons and not so good memories near the end of my stay. Yet now I am able to put it down and start remembering all the good things that happened before and people who has been kind to me. I do not know when I will be back again to that land under long white cloud where seems so far away, but I always feel that part of me has never left...

sheep, cows, lambs, ewes, mountains, lakes, kiwis, cherries, berries, queenstown, bungee, gondola, arrowtown, te anau, mirror lakes, milford sound, doubtful sound, nakedbus, tramping, walking tracks, riverton, invercargill, christmas, helicopter, cafe, restaurant, massey, ocf, bikes, fresh air, winter, ski, cold, grace city church, baptism, lectures, assignments, graduation, latte art, library, gorge, windfarm, foxton, marae, easter camp, tscf conference, slc, road trips, wine, dolphins, seals, albatross, whales, fantails, kowhai, cabbage tree, maori, kia ora, pounamu, hangi, hongi, kapiti ice cream, ambrosia, pavlova, potluck, ball, themed parties, movie nights, phnom penh, plaza, sakura festival, cherry blossoms, victoria esplanade, te papa, christchurch, casino, dunedin, octagon, southern lakes, queen charlotte sound, lake manapouri, manapouri water station, humpridge track, kepler track, tourists, new year eves, christmas carols, orientation, kiwi culture night, international food night, ski trip, barbeque, sausages, steak, speights, tui, brooke fraser, op shop, evermore, all blacks, black caps, all whites, tall blacks, rugby, cricket, pohutukawa, kahawai, herings, whitebait, snapper, fishing, easter, jaffas, cadbury, chocolates, hot water bottles, saturday markets, countdown, whitcoulls, pak n save, new world, woolworths, bnz, national bank, new zealand post, lotto, oyster bay merlot, sauvingnon blanc, gewurtztramminer, cocktails, spring, roses, bible studies, prayer meetings, driving, chinese shop, cafe cuba, chillatos, cha, shapeshifter, powderfinger, cinderella, swan lake...

not that they all happened to me but I just remembered those stuff, of course all the people related to them as well...

Lessons today

Human often find it hard to believe that God protects and saves us according to His grace. We tend to try to protect ourselves with our own ways.

When I thought, "my foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. Ps 94:18

Watch and pray that you may not enter temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Mk 14:38

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. 1 Cor. 10:12

If we are faithless, he remains faithful. 2 Tim. 2:13

With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. Mt 19:26

Jesus model for prayer teaches us first to get in harmony with the divine purpose. Once you understand that, you won't treat God as if He were some utilitarian genie who is stuck granting your wishes because He promised you riches in Christ - and you won't view prayer quite as selfishly. - 'Lord, teach me to pray', John MacArthur

a little confession

Met a friend yesterday while shopping with family at a mall. Haven't seen her for a while, but she is someone who is special to me, like competitor, like enemy, like friend. I just want to say that, it hurts me when I get the impression of her trying to judge or value me while I said I have been rested since half a year ago after quitting my job. After she told me about herself pursuing Masters in UK and another friend working in States (achieving her dreams), I said to her in an envious tone, 'you girls met great opportunities'. Perhaps she had misunderstood me as if I thought that they can do what they are doing now because of plain luck. She said to me, 'we both worked very hard and suffered in order to survive our dreams". Suddenly I felt an invisible arrow stabbing my chest, ouch! So I lived a good life and deserve what I get right now? Argh... perhaps we were talking in different channels, it seems that we kept misunderstanding each other since the first day we met.

It is harder to accept the fact that perhaps she's right. I never worked hard enough to reach my goals, perhaps I do not have a goal at all. Even myself looking at myself as 'lazy, not contributing to the society, sucking from my family, useless etc etc.'. No one understands that I tried everything. Of course I want to get into a proper job as soon as possible, as soon as before I quit my previous job. Somehow I feel that I was not ready for another work commitment both physically and mentally. What is my value, what can I contribute to the society? I asked the question to God 'what can I do for God' many many times before, but I failed to retrieve the answer. My faith is at the edge, is fading, I agree with Jesus and the gospel, but I can't seem relate it to my life anymore. Since I couldn't find a balance between being a Christian and being in the world, I find myself weary and disappointed. People around taught me many things in order to survive in the harsh business world, Jesus taught me other things, but I do not have enough wisdom to live in integrity and adapt in secular environment at the same time not looking stupid. It's not that I don't want to look stupid, or being Christian is stupid, but I make a Christian looking stupid by doing what I did before.

The only motivation for me to find a job now is to pay debts, even though no one asks me for it. I can only say that I hate the world, I hate being in the world. What is being me while there is nothing good about me? I find that being 'utilitarian' is more effective than standing for own principles. Being a freshman has no right to insist on her principles, only obedience and submission to authorities. There is no right or wrong in the business world, only what is rewarding and what is not. It's a taboo to appear weak and not confident in self, I tried but it's just too tired to pretend that I'm strong.

Perhaps I am too far from what I want to be, it seems unachievable. What is success? What is success according to God? What is success from the point of the world's view? Is my life aim to be success, or to be obedient to the Lord's will? Some says to be success is obedient to God, to give glory to God. Some say to suffer for God is to obedient to God. Some say God has planted the dreams in our hearts so that we will pursue them. Some say we must do everything in order allowing God to work in our lives. If God is real, how will he talk to me? Is my sins too great for me to approach Him? Am I not sincere enough when I confess my sins to Jesus and ask for His forgiveness? Am I suppose to wait until his timing that he will answer one day? Or should I proceed to pursue what I perceive as success by following my heart? Not everyone can afford integrity.

Greatness of God

How I grieved when I heard my mum said "Buddhism is good, the way the Buddhist see things are beautiful, their arts, photography has wonderfully expressed the beauty of something we never realized for, unlike Christians trying to use music create a fake atmosphere and fake glory". I said to mum, "Mum, God is the one who created everything, His glory is something way beautiful that we can never imagine, everything beautiful comes from the Lord". Yet I feel so ashamed of myself, that I have failed to reflect His beauty in my life, I live indifferently just as good as others who don't know the Lord. How we as Christians reflect the glory of God? Instead of using the technology to create the "high and spiritual (drunken)" atmosphere during worship service, is there any other way we can perceive and reflect the glory of God? How when we don't idolize things and materialize God while we can help people to see God as He is? It is good but disturbing to understand that there is no other way but read the Bible and learn the Word of God and let the Word itself through the Spirit touch each individual's heart.

If law is the heart of Islam, morale and discipline is the heart of modern Buddhism, then love is the heart of Christianity. Out of love we obey the laws, out of love we discipline ourselves, out of love we do good and expect nothing in return, because Christ has gave out His everything on the Cross. God loves us, therefore he created us, and appointed his only Son to die and rose again. We cannot explain the difference of Christianity than other religions unless we focus on the Cross. We all have turned away from God and deserved to be punished for our rebellion (declares ourselves god) and be separated from God forever. Yet the Lord choose to save us by punishing His own son, who came as God embodied in flesh, lived a life full with temptations but remained sinless, and willingly to accept the inhuman treatment, stricken, afflicted and took the pain and bleed by nailed on the cross, in order to take up the wrath of God on our behalf, so that in believing Him we can escape the eternal condemnation. This is called grace, not cheap grace that costs nothing and can give to anyone, but grace that is given by his precious blood to those who believe in Christ.

Islam requires their believers to adhere to the laws in order to enter the paradise with 7 virgins, Buddhism requires people to do good in order to rid their 'sins' so that they can incarnate to a higher being in the next life, but Christianity requires us to repent, to turn back from our sins and believe that Jesus is the Son of God, so that we can be accepted by God eternally. Which is greater? Discipline that is being demanded in order to exchange for something, or obedience that is prompted by the sacrificial love and glory of God?

We bless others by overflowing our blessings from God, but at first have we receive His blessings and recognizing them? Blessings of knowing who He is, the joy of knowing that God is with us and in us, and the privilege of serving Him along with other believers.

Father, I have failed to reflect your light and glory when people can't see joy and goodness in my life. I can't retrieve my understanding of You when I don't open the Bible and hear from you. I can't love others while I am blinded from your love for me. I can't tell others about you when I am ashamed of my failures as a Christian. Lord, discipline me because I want to keep myself close to you, and keep my eyes and ears opened to your light and voice. I surrender my guilt, shamefulness and fears so that I can receive your grace. Let me keep my faith and keep myself holy so that people can see the difference of me being a Christian. Hide me behind the cross and humble me under your knees so that I will never swell up to pride. Set me free as your Child, therefore not being controlled by tricks of the devil again. In Christ's holy name, Amen.

My Soul Thirsts for You

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you;

my flesh faints for you,

as in a dry and weary land when there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,

beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

But those who seek to destroy my life

shall go down into the depths of the earth;

they shall be given over to the power of the sword;

they shall be a portion for jackals.

But the king shall rejoice in God;

all who swear by him shall exult,

for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

Psalm 63, ESV

It's my birthday

It's my birthday. Somehow I feel emotional and down instead of happy and excited. Where am I now in life? Where am I going? I'm telling myself not to hope for people or thing that will not come. I should turn to the Lord and place my hope in Him. I don't want to be the same state on my birthday again. Thank God at least I'm at home and will spend the day with friends and family. I pray that I will get up and move on. I pray that I will know, enjoy and love God more. I pray that I will be a blessing for people who come across in life. I pray that I will be healthier, stronger and confident. Want to be a good witness.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Mountains

What is reality and what is not? Am I trying to confront it or runaway from it? What is God's will? What is my will? What does God want and what do I really want to do in life? I have been searching for these answers for many many months. No one can understand my struggles, I know He can, but when is He going to end my frustration? Like Jake in Avatar, I feel crippled in my real life, I believe there is a perfect world to live in like Pandora, but my crippled self doesn't allow me to enter and enjoy it. On one hand I'm frustrated with reality of life, therefore I indulged in entertainment medias, games and house chores to kill time. On the other hand I know there is an ideal life that I can enjoy, but I have nothing to deserve to enter it, I feel useless.

The Truth tells me that I am to suffer in this world, and if I believe in Christ, no servant is higher than his master, and if Christ is persecuted, why do I expect myself to be exempted? Yet it looks like a huge mountain in front of me blocking my way, I feel very weak, helpless, and do not have the courage to climb. My experience tells me that no one is going to look into my true heart and feelings in the real world, it is just a trade between my time and ability and financial reward. I'm craving for happiness, true sharing between people, integrity and respect, and somehow I believed that it cannot be found in secular workplace, not to mention the extremely few days of leave. I don't want that kind of life, I don't want to do things that I can never enjoy and shake my conscience. I don't want to fake myself to please the people I don't like. I don't want to be a bad witness at work for Christ... my body can't handle long hours shift, I can't focus, I can't manage, I am stressed easily... all these 'mountains' I need to overcome...

I turned to the Lord many times, I said, 'Lord, please help me, I want to be constantly joyful because I know that you are in control, and I surrender myself to you, including all my cares and burdens. I want to take up my cross and follow you.' But there is still no answer... Why is strength from family and friends support my faith instead the other way round? Why at the same time I don't want anything from this world but I want everything? Should I dream of everything I want or dream nothing except the Kingdom of heaven?

Other than the Holy Spirit I pray for someone in my life who is able to coach, guide, lead, and support me in my spiritual and work life at the same time. My dream is global ministry, to meet people of every tribe and tongue in the world, and to serve God with a strong and humbled heart. May the Lord opens the door and lead me to the path which brings meaning of everlasting.

Kitty doesn't love me

I'm little upset that the kitty I look after all this while still choose his master over myself...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod

Geek in the Pink

C.N.Blue Debut Performance