Thursday, March 26, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I feel dead
I am aware that something inside me has 'died'. I don't feel 'alive' anymore, just dead and dull working life here. This can be me, but I don't want to remain in this way. Work is way beyond my control, working super duper hard yet still probably will be blamed. I can't deny that I have learnt a lot, overcame a lot of challenges and barriers, and build some good work relationships. However, everything is too overwhelming. If I have a choice and influence to make this place a better place to work, I will definitely stay. If only She will listen.
Somehow I feel lost again. I am desperate for something, something unknown, but huge. Something in which could not be contained in crampy Singapore. The worst thing can ever happen to me is lost of memory, or narrowing of worldview. Scared that one day I will take in everything surround me as the way world is, and forgetting how the rest of the world looks like.
Lost again, I'm again replanning my future route. Should I pick up the arts stuffs again, which I'd always been wanting to get back? Should I start making coffee and travelling around the world? Should I become a missionary in somewhere remote? I just know that, although I can do it, and enjoy it at times, management and administration are not something I have so much interest in.
Lord, I don't know where and how, but please deliver me to a place in which I can feel more 'alive' in. Which I have better work-life balance, more of you, more of the beauty of you and the people you created. I am hunger and thirsty for 'life', something so sweet, nourishing, and quenching, yet seems so far away from me right now. Please replace worries with peace, sorrows with joy, uncertainties with hope, doubt with trust, fear with faith, weakness with strength in you. I need you, Lord, more than anything. I miss you. I don't know and cannot feel where you are, but surely you will are always here, just that I'm not aware of it. Need you more than ever.
Somehow I feel lost again. I am desperate for something, something unknown, but huge. Something in which could not be contained in crampy Singapore. The worst thing can ever happen to me is lost of memory, or narrowing of worldview. Scared that one day I will take in everything surround me as the way world is, and forgetting how the rest of the world looks like.
Lost again, I'm again replanning my future route. Should I pick up the arts stuffs again, which I'd always been wanting to get back? Should I start making coffee and travelling around the world? Should I become a missionary in somewhere remote? I just know that, although I can do it, and enjoy it at times, management and administration are not something I have so much interest in.
Lord, I don't know where and how, but please deliver me to a place in which I can feel more 'alive' in. Which I have better work-life balance, more of you, more of the beauty of you and the people you created. I am hunger and thirsty for 'life', something so sweet, nourishing, and quenching, yet seems so far away from me right now. Please replace worries with peace, sorrows with joy, uncertainties with hope, doubt with trust, fear with faith, weakness with strength in you. I need you, Lord, more than anything. I miss you. I don't know and cannot feel where you are, but surely you will are always here, just that I'm not aware of it. Need you more than ever.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Dreaming again... Anne needs some sleep
Just came back from IEC fellowship, was so good. Love the sermon from Joseph Tong, love the worship, love the people, love the food, love the culture. Oh the songs they sang for Indonesia day, were so awesome! Man I just love the so many kinds and languages of Indonesian folk songs, and made me miss my home country and cultures back home. I have a sudden urge of 'melting' in the kampungs, eat, live, sing and dance with the villagers...don't mention the lush rainforests, sandy beaches, mighty mountains, tranquil lakes, rich flora and fauna... oh... ah... k... next targets: Sabah KK trip (Easter weekend), Sarawak rainforest music festival (July), Poland (IFES world conference, next year). Other possible plans: Gold Coast, Thailand, Vietnam and Indonesia, short trips. Hmm... yea... travelling addictive, not good. Lilis says: "Anne will not obsess..." haha. Well I'm just tired so it was a bit random. Nite nite.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Struggling... again...
I'm getting so sick of myself, I hate being struggling all the time and stressing out about life but I am. Each time the thought of my dreams came, it stung my heart that I just want to get out of here as soon as possible. Always, things turn out the opposite of what I wished for. If not because I have no choice for my first proper job in my life ,I would not work here for another day. I want to be a 'normal' girl who looks after herself, acne free, ladylike and be nice to everybody. But life simply doesn't allow me to do that. I applied for an executive post ended up becoming a supervisor nannying people. What should I do with them? If only I have the power to employ new staff... Of course I need to re-evaluate myself: have I become a monster? Why the world just don't allow me to be a nice little office lady with weekends off and normal shift timings just as everyone else?
God I am so tired my heart is beating irregularly, my eyes are dry and I tried to read the bible but I just cannot. Is there any other way that I can approach you more easily? I do pray, but you seem so far away. The more I work, the more sinful feel about myself. I just want a simple, carefree life, or more meaningful life... I just want to live for you... I am not meant to be bound and enslaved by my heavy work, I don't live to work, I work to live, no, perhaps work to glorify your name, Lord, but just teach me how to do it. Amen
God I am so tired my heart is beating irregularly, my eyes are dry and I tried to read the bible but I just cannot. Is there any other way that I can approach you more easily? I do pray, but you seem so far away. The more I work, the more sinful feel about myself. I just want a simple, carefree life, or more meaningful life... I just want to live for you... I am not meant to be bound and enslaved by my heavy work, I don't live to work, I work to live, no, perhaps work to glorify your name, Lord, but just teach me how to do it. Amen
Friday, February 06, 2009
Huayi Chinese Festival of Arts
After the inspiring shows at Huayi Festival of Chinese Arts at the Esplanade, I feel alive again and feel so blessed by being who I am. Firstly was the east west fusion jazz – with Chinese ‘San Xian’, Indian drums, keyboard, bongo and conga. The band played a few good pieces providing good starter for the night. Then I was dragged unwillingly before the show finish to watch the Taiwanese puppets. I had never seen these puppets live before, but I used to love it on TV as a toddler, and mum told me a lot about puppets as those are her important childhood element. The puppets were so lively and I feel sense of warmth and joy from the bottom from my heart. Lastly, I was dragged again to watch the drums show, originated from my high school, now a famous team performing in many countries. The drum team from my high school is the best in the country, and I loved to watch it as it stirs my heart with every drumbeat. I used to buy tickets to watch the drum performance with my friends and the show tonight brings back a lot of memories.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Please liberate me, Truth
I feel exhausted. Work is extremely busy, non-stop, and challenging. I don't know when I will be resting completely again. I had a great time spent with family during Chinese New Year, first time celebrating it since I left KL and studied in NZ. I was rostered to work on the first and second day of cny, therefore my parents and brother came to Singapore to accompany me. It makes so much difference with family around even working during festive season, at least I feel their love and support, and don't feel so lonely as compared to last year when I worked in Te Anau. I had 4 days break after that and went back to Kuala Lumpur, home sweet home. Had lots of food all the way from Singapore to KL such as Yu Sheng, steamed fish, cereal prawns, hotpot, mee suah, fishball noodles at Yong Peng, barley dessert and otak-otak at Muar, new year cookies... It was great to be able to meet up with some friends from high school, and visited art teacher's house. Gathering of art society's ex-committee members was awesome and bring back a lot of memories.
Sometimes I just need to constantly reminding myself of who I am, or else I will easily being caught up at work and become a zombie, a slave. Sometimes I get very miserable of being stuck here to work for a living, because I love freedom, travelling and search meaning for life. I have so many questions and trying to find the reason to be happy each day. Life is real, it is fallen, it is cruel. You cannot deny that there are many people who are struggling each day just to survive, they might be battling their illnesses and pains, they might be trying to feed and educate their kids, they might be looking after their sick loved ones. The hospital is the best mirror of reality. It reminds me of our fragile, temporal life, it reminds me of inescapable suffering, illness and pain, it reminds me of an imperfect, fallen world.
What’s the point that you yourself are happily enjoying the luxuries, while others are suffering in pain and struggling to get food to survive? How can you say that this life is wonderful, that you have a perfect family and well-paid job but others are groaning in pain lying in the hospital? Unless you avoid it at all, but there is a disturbing voice in your heart reminding you that perhaps one day you or your loved ones will be like that as well. I tried to escape from the thought at all, pretend that it’s none of my business, because that’s the way life is, for others at least. Yet I feel guilty about it, guilty that I am so selfish, and foolish thinking in such way.
I learnt that there is only one reason I can feel justified to rejoice in, it is hope. Not just any vain hope in a better lifestyle, better next vacation, healthy body, being in love, being with family… because these ‘hopes’ can disappear, just because this world is cursed and imperfect. Only the hope which found in the ultimate Truth can quench my longing for happiness. The hope of promise brought by Jesus from dying on the cross, that I will no longer be enslaved by sin, sinful nature, sinful world, and fallen world as a consequence of sin. The hope that one day I will be free from sinning, suffering, pain, hurt, and disappointment. The hope that one day all my longings will be fulfilled, that the kingdom will come where justice and mercy equally important. The hope that God with full of love and wisdom will rule the world, my heart and soul and completely rest! What a luxury!
Yes I agree that I have no idea what God has in store for me, and at times I have no patience with Him and I asked for something else lesser. Of course I wished I do not have to work, or work at a better place with nicer people and lesser workload. But if this challenging job at the moment can be used by God to shape my character so that I could receive more of His blessing, why not? Ok, I feel content at the moment, I do. There is nothing more I need to ask for, just hope that I will always remember who He is and where my focus is.
Sometimes I just need to constantly reminding myself of who I am, or else I will easily being caught up at work and become a zombie, a slave. Sometimes I get very miserable of being stuck here to work for a living, because I love freedom, travelling and search meaning for life. I have so many questions and trying to find the reason to be happy each day. Life is real, it is fallen, it is cruel. You cannot deny that there are many people who are struggling each day just to survive, they might be battling their illnesses and pains, they might be trying to feed and educate their kids, they might be looking after their sick loved ones. The hospital is the best mirror of reality. It reminds me of our fragile, temporal life, it reminds me of inescapable suffering, illness and pain, it reminds me of an imperfect, fallen world.
What’s the point that you yourself are happily enjoying the luxuries, while others are suffering in pain and struggling to get food to survive? How can you say that this life is wonderful, that you have a perfect family and well-paid job but others are groaning in pain lying in the hospital? Unless you avoid it at all, but there is a disturbing voice in your heart reminding you that perhaps one day you or your loved ones will be like that as well. I tried to escape from the thought at all, pretend that it’s none of my business, because that’s the way life is, for others at least. Yet I feel guilty about it, guilty that I am so selfish, and foolish thinking in such way.
I learnt that there is only one reason I can feel justified to rejoice in, it is hope. Not just any vain hope in a better lifestyle, better next vacation, healthy body, being in love, being with family… because these ‘hopes’ can disappear, just because this world is cursed and imperfect. Only the hope which found in the ultimate Truth can quench my longing for happiness. The hope of promise brought by Jesus from dying on the cross, that I will no longer be enslaved by sin, sinful nature, sinful world, and fallen world as a consequence of sin. The hope that one day I will be free from sinning, suffering, pain, hurt, and disappointment. The hope that one day all my longings will be fulfilled, that the kingdom will come where justice and mercy equally important. The hope that God with full of love and wisdom will rule the world, my heart and soul and completely rest! What a luxury!
Yes I agree that I have no idea what God has in store for me, and at times I have no patience with Him and I asked for something else lesser. Of course I wished I do not have to work, or work at a better place with nicer people and lesser workload. But if this challenging job at the moment can be used by God to shape my character so that I could receive more of His blessing, why not? Ok, I feel content at the moment, I do. There is nothing more I need to ask for, just hope that I will always remember who He is and where my focus is.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Still
Words and Music by Reuben Morgan
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
My Current Favourite Song
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Random thoughts
I am stuck with my computer! Should go out and get something to fill my stomach but I find this addictive... hehe. Seems long time since I am able to reflect upon what I have been through recently. Life here, well... different. Being independent is no difference as in NZ, just that I am more independent now, of which less people I can depend on. That's good though, that means God is taking me out of my comfort zone, and pushing me beyond the limits, and challenge me to breakthrough and grow as I approach adulthood.
I have been blessed so much with my brothers and sisters in Christ, in my church and a friend's church which I am visiting. I know the 'truths' but now I am experiencing it, one of it is that only in God's family, the community which I desire to live with can only be found. These people have shown kindness and friendliness towards me, and it means a lot for me who without family in Singapore. Also, I love the food, jazz and arts scene here in Singapore, so much quality live performances/exhibitions are going on, some of them are free, which is brilliant. Not to forget mention the community clubs here, I just joined a loyalty programme by Community Clubs in Sg, which provides discounts and informations on arts events, nature walks, shop & dine, and various community activities, how good is that?
Nevertheless, work is the heavier part of my life. It has been a lot better since I attended church services on last two Sundays. The Word of God does helps to strengthen my faith and creates peace of mind, and the Spirit touch comes with the confession of sins and holy communion reminded me of who I am and how much Christ means in my life. I can 't stop repeating this again and again, that without Christ, I am Nothing, and I am unable to enjoy what I have at the moment, and I will live in great fear and depression everyday. Life is empty without him, life has no meaning without him. The longer I walk with Him, the more longing I am to know Him and to be with Him.
Another 'truth' I am experiencing is this: to be a great leader, is to serve. There is no other way to 'earn' others respect (indeed to earn ones respect is a sign of pride) other than humbly serve the people, with great sincerity. Serve the staff, workers, boss and patients, so that Christ glory will be magnified and I can be the salt and light to them. All these people need God, they need to know Him, and they need His light, to overcome the darkness in their hearts. As what Pastor Caleb Tong preached in the church on Sunday, we should bless, and not curse. If the person deserves the blessing, he will be blessed. In contrast, if the person does not deserve the blessing, the blessing will come back to me, who blesses, and I will be doubly blessed! Oh how wonderful is the analogy. And don't forget God is a Just God, he will judge the world with perfect righteousness, and it is His job to judge or condemn, not me. My duty is to love, to forgive, and to bless those who has been wrong or harsh to me.
It is time for me to practice the 'Truths' I've been learning from God. I'm amazed at how efficient God uses my past, my learning and my experiences. Not even one of them is 'wasted', all the things I have learnt and experienced from the past, and my knowledge of who God is, determines how I am going to solve the problems in life and how my character will be in the midst of difficulties.
Even I do not know Him fully, but by faith and the knowledge I have learnt from the Bible, I can continue to persevere yet rejoice until my last breath in this temporal life.
I have been blessed so much with my brothers and sisters in Christ, in my church and a friend's church which I am visiting. I know the 'truths' but now I am experiencing it, one of it is that only in God's family, the community which I desire to live with can only be found. These people have shown kindness and friendliness towards me, and it means a lot for me who without family in Singapore. Also, I love the food, jazz and arts scene here in Singapore, so much quality live performances/exhibitions are going on, some of them are free, which is brilliant. Not to forget mention the community clubs here, I just joined a loyalty programme by Community Clubs in Sg, which provides discounts and informations on arts events, nature walks, shop & dine, and various community activities, how good is that?
Nevertheless, work is the heavier part of my life. It has been a lot better since I attended church services on last two Sundays. The Word of God does helps to strengthen my faith and creates peace of mind, and the Spirit touch comes with the confession of sins and holy communion reminded me of who I am and how much Christ means in my life. I can 't stop repeating this again and again, that without Christ, I am Nothing, and I am unable to enjoy what I have at the moment, and I will live in great fear and depression everyday. Life is empty without him, life has no meaning without him. The longer I walk with Him, the more longing I am to know Him and to be with Him.
Another 'truth' I am experiencing is this: to be a great leader, is to serve. There is no other way to 'earn' others respect (indeed to earn ones respect is a sign of pride) other than humbly serve the people, with great sincerity. Serve the staff, workers, boss and patients, so that Christ glory will be magnified and I can be the salt and light to them. All these people need God, they need to know Him, and they need His light, to overcome the darkness in their hearts. As what Pastor Caleb Tong preached in the church on Sunday, we should bless, and not curse. If the person deserves the blessing, he will be blessed. In contrast, if the person does not deserve the blessing, the blessing will come back to me, who blesses, and I will be doubly blessed! Oh how wonderful is the analogy. And don't forget God is a Just God, he will judge the world with perfect righteousness, and it is His job to judge or condemn, not me. My duty is to love, to forgive, and to bless those who has been wrong or harsh to me.
It is time for me to practice the 'Truths' I've been learning from God. I'm amazed at how efficient God uses my past, my learning and my experiences. Not even one of them is 'wasted', all the things I have learnt and experienced from the past, and my knowledge of who God is, determines how I am going to solve the problems in life and how my character will be in the midst of difficulties.
Even I do not know Him fully, but by faith and the knowledge I have learnt from the Bible, I can continue to persevere yet rejoice until my last breath in this temporal life.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
New Year 'Resolution?'
In year 2009, I wish/hope/want to:
1. Get organized and reduce stress at work.
2. Get in touch with friends (yeah that's you).
3. Travel to another country at least once.
4. Go home at least once in two months.
5. Cultivate a new hobby and stick with it (photography).
6. Get a life (at least on day offs, holidays).
7. Read the whole bible!
8. Read more books.
9. Make new friends.
10.Share the gospel.
11. Encourage/build up others.
12. Be a nicer person.
13. Stay healthy and energetic, no more mind fogging and lethargy.
14. Keep updated and maintain a global mindset.
15. Be sociable.
16. Pray harder!
17. Exercise!
18. Don't forget the music!
1. Get organized and reduce stress at work.
2. Get in touch with friends (yeah that's you).
3. Travel to another country at least once.
4. Go home at least once in two months.
5. Cultivate a new hobby and stick with it (photography).
6. Get a life (at least on day offs, holidays).
7. Read the whole bible!
8. Read more books.
9. Make new friends.
10.Share the gospel.
11. Encourage/build up others.
12. Be a nicer person.
13. Stay healthy and energetic, no more mind fogging and lethargy.
14. Keep updated and maintain a global mindset.
15. Be sociable.
16. Pray harder!
17. Exercise!
18. Don't forget the music!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Stress again, sigh...
Yeah, stay positive is very important. Especially being in this world like sheep among wolves, we need to stay positive and remain strong. It has been over two months since I started work in Singapore. I would say, work is stressful, and I already being challenged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It came to a point that, I don't even know what is my feeling at the moment, I am numb but somehow fragile inside, like little thing can trigger the breakdown mechanism anytime.
I need to overcome this mountain, step over it and say, everything is under control, at least under God's. Do one thing at a time, and deal with everything and everyone with patient and gentleness. Well I would say it is not as easy as I say. Work is like neverending, people were like enjoying dumping work on me and laugh at me on the side. My assistants are giving me lots of trouble, and colleagues dumping work on me, my bosses could not understand how much work I need to do before they keep chasing the outcomes. Working more than 10 hours a day for 6 days a week, how do I get a life? I miss my parents in my hometown, and I would say, there is nothing much I can look forward to in life, in short term. Unless I save enough money within a few years time, and change a decent job or travel the world which allows me a balance, maybe I can socialise more and get a 'life'. But, I would be old then, people would be gotten married and have babies while I just start to connect to the world.
Sigh... what do I look forward to in life? In long term, it is Jesus' Kingdom, the eternal blessing of living in a perfect world with the Perfect God. Oh how long it can be? Though I'm getting older, the 'afterlife' seems getting more further to attain, like I'm falling into a deep pit of darkness before I get to be pulled out by the hands of merciful God.
Why I'm always stuck in this situation? Is it because of my stupid decision of the kind of job I chose? Or I'm stupid enough to expect I'm able to conquer my failures from the past? A highly stressful shift work will just compromise my youth, my relationships, and my quality time with God. I hate myself like this, like a zombie. I should be free, but how?
If the Son sets me free, I will be free indeed? How? Can Jesus please show me? Again Satan is challenging me, anger and bitterness starts creeping in, I'm glad I have no relationship or any sort of other commitment right now, maybe I am the right person for this job.
I'm getting insane, having a headache now. Please, have mercy on me Lord, give me strength so that I won't let my tears burst out in embarrassment in front of anyone anymore. In this no mercy world, please show me what mercy is. In this unloving world, please show me what love is. In this sinful world, please show me what purity is. I will read your Word, but please give me concentration, I will pray, please take my burdens. I need you Lord, more than anything. There must be a purpose for all these.
I need to overcome this mountain, step over it and say, everything is under control, at least under God's. Do one thing at a time, and deal with everything and everyone with patient and gentleness. Well I would say it is not as easy as I say. Work is like neverending, people were like enjoying dumping work on me and laugh at me on the side. My assistants are giving me lots of trouble, and colleagues dumping work on me, my bosses could not understand how much work I need to do before they keep chasing the outcomes. Working more than 10 hours a day for 6 days a week, how do I get a life? I miss my parents in my hometown, and I would say, there is nothing much I can look forward to in life, in short term. Unless I save enough money within a few years time, and change a decent job or travel the world which allows me a balance, maybe I can socialise more and get a 'life'. But, I would be old then, people would be gotten married and have babies while I just start to connect to the world.
Sigh... what do I look forward to in life? In long term, it is Jesus' Kingdom, the eternal blessing of living in a perfect world with the Perfect God. Oh how long it can be? Though I'm getting older, the 'afterlife' seems getting more further to attain, like I'm falling into a deep pit of darkness before I get to be pulled out by the hands of merciful God.
Why I'm always stuck in this situation? Is it because of my stupid decision of the kind of job I chose? Or I'm stupid enough to expect I'm able to conquer my failures from the past? A highly stressful shift work will just compromise my youth, my relationships, and my quality time with God. I hate myself like this, like a zombie. I should be free, but how?
If the Son sets me free, I will be free indeed? How? Can Jesus please show me? Again Satan is challenging me, anger and bitterness starts creeping in, I'm glad I have no relationship or any sort of other commitment right now, maybe I am the right person for this job.
I'm getting insane, having a headache now. Please, have mercy on me Lord, give me strength so that I won't let my tears burst out in embarrassment in front of anyone anymore. In this no mercy world, please show me what mercy is. In this unloving world, please show me what love is. In this sinful world, please show me what purity is. I will read your Word, but please give me concentration, I will pray, please take my burdens. I need you Lord, more than anything. There must be a purpose for all these.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Last blog in 2008
So fast it is the end of the year again. 2008, what did I achieved? What did I gained? What did I lost? So much had been going on, but had been so empty. 2008 is a transition phase in my life, from study to work, from kid to adult, from girl, yet to be woman. With no doubt, this year is a lonely year for me, it has been tough, and I have learnt that only what and who matters in this life.
Went to Esplanade just now, by myself, wanted to see fireworks, first new year eve in Singapore. I went with the hope that the crowd and the "happenings" will quench my loneliness and emptiness inside. There were so many people, so many live performances, so much going on. However, everything seems detached from me, I can relate to neither the crowd, nor the performances, or the atmosphere at all. They just magnified the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I chose a few great spots to view the fireworks display, but I left, because it is meaningless, although I love fireworks, I am no more excited by it, my heart has grown cold indeed.
Perhaps I have the weirdest personality on earth, it seems that I do not fit into any crowd. What is friendship? I need to redefine friendship as I grow old. Friends are not those who would hang out with you whenever you need them anymore, they are not the ones you are accountable with, or willing to carry your burdens, or to share their joy. Friends are occasional people whom I meet and happens to be together, and have a conversation. Do I need friends? Why do I need them?
Boyfriend, or opposite sex partner, is the worst of all, they are the ones who are lonely as well, and seek gratification for their own souls in the expense of their partners. They are extremely selfish, and meaningless. I do not understand why God created human in a way that they attracted to each other, then hurt each other later on. Therefore, would not it be better if stay alone, and being neutral for all genders.
I tried to live in my hometown, in capital city of my home country, in a foreign country with completely different culture, in small town, in middle size city, in a metropolitan. It's all the same, I have not yet found the 'thing' that I need, although I do not really know what that is. There is emptiness in all there places, and deep in my heart I know that I am searching in vain.
My mind knows that only God can fill this emptiness, but I cannot comprehend it, I cannot understand that how can it be done.
Therefore I can only hope that one day, this emptiness will be filled, that I will not be lonely anymore, will not be forgotten anymore, that someday, the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled, that no more hurts, no more tears, no more fear and negative feelings will be present in me anymore.
Thank God I still have my parents, and my brother, they are the ones who never leave me and always care about me. Thank God they helped to reveal what kind of a God you are. Although still I could not feel your presence, but I bear the hope that one day I will feel you again.
May year 2009 will be better for me, less tough. However, above all, Your will is to be done. Whatever does not kill me, it makes me stronger. Praise be to You my Lord.
Went to Esplanade just now, by myself, wanted to see fireworks, first new year eve in Singapore. I went with the hope that the crowd and the "happenings" will quench my loneliness and emptiness inside. There were so many people, so many live performances, so much going on. However, everything seems detached from me, I can relate to neither the crowd, nor the performances, or the atmosphere at all. They just magnified the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I chose a few great spots to view the fireworks display, but I left, because it is meaningless, although I love fireworks, I am no more excited by it, my heart has grown cold indeed.
Perhaps I have the weirdest personality on earth, it seems that I do not fit into any crowd. What is friendship? I need to redefine friendship as I grow old. Friends are not those who would hang out with you whenever you need them anymore, they are not the ones you are accountable with, or willing to carry your burdens, or to share their joy. Friends are occasional people whom I meet and happens to be together, and have a conversation. Do I need friends? Why do I need them?
Boyfriend, or opposite sex partner, is the worst of all, they are the ones who are lonely as well, and seek gratification for their own souls in the expense of their partners. They are extremely selfish, and meaningless. I do not understand why God created human in a way that they attracted to each other, then hurt each other later on. Therefore, would not it be better if stay alone, and being neutral for all genders.
I tried to live in my hometown, in capital city of my home country, in a foreign country with completely different culture, in small town, in middle size city, in a metropolitan. It's all the same, I have not yet found the 'thing' that I need, although I do not really know what that is. There is emptiness in all there places, and deep in my heart I know that I am searching in vain.
My mind knows that only God can fill this emptiness, but I cannot comprehend it, I cannot understand that how can it be done.
Therefore I can only hope that one day, this emptiness will be filled, that I will not be lonely anymore, will not be forgotten anymore, that someday, the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled, that no more hurts, no more tears, no more fear and negative feelings will be present in me anymore.
Thank God I still have my parents, and my brother, they are the ones who never leave me and always care about me. Thank God they helped to reveal what kind of a God you are. Although still I could not feel your presence, but I bear the hope that one day I will feel you again.
May year 2009 will be better for me, less tough. However, above all, Your will is to be done. Whatever does not kill me, it makes me stronger. Praise be to You my Lord.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Some thoughts
I don't know how to describe this stage of my life, it is probably not the most enjoyable or memorable period in my life, but it is definitely the time when I start to grow and become a real adult. After teenage years I never hope that I want to grow up anymore. The world of adults is cruel, hard and cold. There is no happying merrying jumping anymore, but a half-done pottery thrown into the fire to be baked and hardened through fiery tests and trials.
This is the time that I started to experience the bittersweet moments in life. Life is always challenging, the bitterness comes from hardships, difficulties, and loneliness, but praise God there is still sweetness of God's grace and comfort that can only be tasted in the midst of uncomfort. I don't know if I am obsessed with punishing or abusing myself, but I feel better when I am actually not taking life for granted through enduring hardships, especially when I see the patients and their relatives, real people who suffers and in pain.
Life is so fragile, who are we but dust? It is so naive and ignorant that there are people who thought that they can escape suffering and death or avoiding the issue altogether. It is closer than you think, it is not something which is so far from us that we won't suffer if we don't think about it. We think that we are in control, as long as we eat the right food and do exercises or do more good things, we will be healthy all our life. But no, who can decide how life's going to be for himself?
I used to fear of growing up, and tried to avoid suffering and death issues, I had so much fear that I just pretended that it will never happen to me or my loved ones. I was fooling myself, I cannot even decide how my tomorrow is going to be. I rather be mourning for my helplessness than be pretending that I am happy. I rather to endure than trying to escape hard life. I choose the hard way, the narrow path, the challenging way, I face it, endure it, rather than trying to escape, for there is not without hope. I lean on Christ, only hope I have, only One whom I find meaning of life in. Jesus said he comes for the sick and lame, for only sick people needs doctor. I am that sick sinner, who needs a healer, a redeemer, to save me from this deathly pit. Praise be to God that in Him there is hope of eternal life, for we are created for eternity as free people, not enslaved by sins and sufferings in this dark dark world. I am longing for more and more of this hope, and it will be revealed to me when I am being raised up to heaven.
Lord, I miss you, I long for you, I just want to see your face.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Update
It has been long since I updated my previous post. I had no internet access and no time to go out and surf the internet since I start work. Yes, I started work at a hospital kitchen in Singapore, amazing huh… Well, it has been challenging so far, but still manageable. Just feeling tired since there is so much to learn and so much to do. My job is to supervise the kitchen and make sure no food poisoning will occur.
I have learnt and grown a lot through this uneasy time of my life. Working in a new environment, taking myself out of the comfort zone is always not easy. Especially in a setting which facing so much sufferings and deaths, it’s hard not to consider life in a deeper level. I am depending on God more than ever now, struggling with my unbelief and fears each day. But He has provided me sufficient grace and strength to overcome each day’s troubles. I learnt that His grace is sufficient for the day, unless I renew my mind, confess my sins, and submit myself to Him each day, I could not retrieve enough strength and courage to face the challenges. I will be easily drained. However, His power is displayed in my weaknesses, I need to believe that in fact He loves me, and He conquered sin and death. Therefore I will rejoice, and worship Him by serving others earnestly in my workplace.
I have learnt and grown a lot through this uneasy time of my life. Working in a new environment, taking myself out of the comfort zone is always not easy. Especially in a setting which facing so much sufferings and deaths, it’s hard not to consider life in a deeper level. I am depending on God more than ever now, struggling with my unbelief and fears each day. But He has provided me sufficient grace and strength to overcome each day’s troubles. I learnt that His grace is sufficient for the day, unless I renew my mind, confess my sins, and submit myself to Him each day, I could not retrieve enough strength and courage to face the challenges. I will be easily drained. However, His power is displayed in my weaknesses, I need to believe that in fact He loves me, and He conquered sin and death. Therefore I will rejoice, and worship Him by serving others earnestly in my workplace.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Air Traffic Worldwide
A simulation of global air traffic over a 24 hour period. Hit the fullscreen button to get a clearer idea of the buzzing beehive the global airways have become.
Monday, September 29, 2008
My Hope – To be home forever (translated from the Chinese post)
It has been ages since I updated about myself in my blog since there is hardly any input in my recent life. On the surface I seem to enjoy my relaxing lifestyle, however I find it very difficult to calm down to reflect or pray. Without realising I have been staying at home for almost five months, my work search has been challenging and I have not heard anything about my work pass yet. Being at home for me is a mix of joy and gloom, in fact, the world has never been perfect.
Joy, is because I’m enjoying an almost a carefree life, free of worry about money or food, and immerses myself in the love of family. I guess this is the wish of most of the people in the world. Nevertheless, still there is anxiety in my heart, and there is nothing I can do to get rid of it.
After staying at home for too long, my body has become stiffened. Anxiety that comes from nowhere has deeply burdened my body and soul. On one hand I enjoy and being thankful of the love and care of God and family members, on the other hand I feel guilty and empty inside. Guilty, is because while I am whole and able, I have not contribute anything to God, family, society, or the world. Emptiness, is because life has no meaning, everyday I just watch tv, play computer games, and because it is very hard for me to concentrate, I read less than before. When life is meaningless and aimless, a person will soon become wasted.
To be honest I feel that I am a total failure, not just feeling, but real failure. When I look back, especially for the past year, witnessing at the failures in my relationships, work search, ministry, ambitions, health… I feel extremely ashamed, and I want to runaway and hide myself from the world. Mum was right; even I did not admit at the time, that I am unable to face and accept failure. I always comfort myself by saying that everything will soon become past, so don’t take things too seriously, and soon I will have the chance to prove that I am not lame or loser anymore.
Today, I realised that I have been escaping from the reality, I have no courage to face and admit my own failure. I thought that I will never be able to stand up again after the fall, I thought the world will reject me forever, I thought my sin was too heavy for God to save me.
I had been in overseas for almost four years; in between there were two whole years I did not come home. Yet after coming home, everything is still the same, dad and mum still love me the same, my brother still recognises me as his sister. Soon after that, I managed to return to my old life. And those years in
The same applies to God as well. Yes, it is true that I have sinned against God, and I have no excuse for that, and I need to confess, and hold responsible for my sins. But because of the only Jesus, although I have sinned, I still have the chance to start again, and still have the chance to be perfect before God. Because of Jesus, God loves me as his own child, even loves me more than my parents. Although facing a lot of failures and afflictions, even the world has rejected me, still I can go back to my Father’s arms, and receive healing from His love. Above all, I can look forward to go home, the perfect home, with no more blood and tears, no evil, no suffering, no hurts, but only perfect love and God’s glorious light forever. Therefore,
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. – Hebrews 12:1~3
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