Thursday, April 30, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I need Jesus
Today is my off day. No peace. Bored. Empty.
Need love, need friends, need family, need Jesus.
Frustrated, weary, tired, burdened, need Jesus.
Lost confidence, fear, anxiety, need Jesus.
Feel like good food, good drink, good movie, good shopping, good book, need Jesus.
Need a way out, a solution, energy, wisdom, perseverance, need Jesus.
Need fulfillment, happiness, comfort, need Jesus.
I need Jesus.
Need love, need friends, need family, need Jesus.
Frustrated, weary, tired, burdened, need Jesus.
Lost confidence, fear, anxiety, need Jesus.
Feel like good food, good drink, good movie, good shopping, good book, need Jesus.
Need a way out, a solution, energy, wisdom, perseverance, need Jesus.
Need fulfillment, happiness, comfort, need Jesus.
I need Jesus.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Longing for His Kingdom
Coming back to Singapore is like from paradise to hell. Why is there such a huge contrast? I had a glimpse of heaven yet groaning deep inside my heart that we are living in an imperfect world, full of suffering, pain and hopelessness. We have sinned and separated from God and we need him to live out who we are.
It is like a wake up call for me, it was the right time I bought a book from second hand bookstore called ‘Revolution in World Missions’ by K P Yohannan. This book strikes me so much that it slapped me in the face and revealing how sinful my life is in living in an affluent society yet unthankful, and claimed to have faith but no actions for the Great Commission. My friends are suffering in one form or another, my relatives do not believe in Jesus, my colleagues probably never heard of the gospel. What should I do?
I cannot see so far ahead but I know what I need to do now: to get back to God, study his word, meditate upon it, and pray. The voice is stronger and stronger that He is going to make me do something great or huge for His Kingdom. But this is not the time yet; this is just the time to shape my character, to build up my experience and knowledge in order to carry out the ‘mission’ in the future. I am not an ambitious person; it does not matter for me if I am doing anything great in life or just an ordinary person. But one thing I know is, God has put into my heart so much passion or empathy for the world and it is going to accumulate and in the end push me to do something, which I do not know yet.
I would like to move to a nice little village with my family, completed with everything we need, away from all the hustles and bustles in the big cities, go fishing in the weekends, work with my own hands and get rewarded… not worrying too much about everything. But I knew I couldn’t do it, because it is selfish. I will not even able to account to myself that I know Christ has done everything on the cross and yet I keep the gospel to myself, taking the good and ignoring the needs, especially when Yohannan mentioned in his book that when every pulse you feel, there are people dying without hearing the gospel.
Lord, but how? It is easy to say, but how do I serve You? I struggle everyday with completing my work task and stay healthy and vibrant. I am weary and tired, mind is full of fears, problems to solve, worries… how do I serve You? I hardly have time to fellowship with other believers, cannot go to church on Sundays, Lord You know my heart aches everytime when I missed a cellgroup, church service, or quiet time with You. You know my struggles, you know my weaknesses. I repent for all my sins of being materialistic and hedonistic at times, setting up idols to fulfil my hunger and emptiness. It is a constant battle mentally, physically and spiritually. I pray that no matter how, never let me forsake my faith in you (for it is the stupidiest thing to do), and use me for your glory, in loving, serving, praying for others, and take part in the work of the gospel. May your kingdom come, your will be done. May your name be glorified above all else. Amen.
It is like a wake up call for me, it was the right time I bought a book from second hand bookstore called ‘Revolution in World Missions’ by K P Yohannan. This book strikes me so much that it slapped me in the face and revealing how sinful my life is in living in an affluent society yet unthankful, and claimed to have faith but no actions for the Great Commission. My friends are suffering in one form or another, my relatives do not believe in Jesus, my colleagues probably never heard of the gospel. What should I do?
I cannot see so far ahead but I know what I need to do now: to get back to God, study his word, meditate upon it, and pray. The voice is stronger and stronger that He is going to make me do something great or huge for His Kingdom. But this is not the time yet; this is just the time to shape my character, to build up my experience and knowledge in order to carry out the ‘mission’ in the future. I am not an ambitious person; it does not matter for me if I am doing anything great in life or just an ordinary person. But one thing I know is, God has put into my heart so much passion or empathy for the world and it is going to accumulate and in the end push me to do something, which I do not know yet.
I would like to move to a nice little village with my family, completed with everything we need, away from all the hustles and bustles in the big cities, go fishing in the weekends, work with my own hands and get rewarded… not worrying too much about everything. But I knew I couldn’t do it, because it is selfish. I will not even able to account to myself that I know Christ has done everything on the cross and yet I keep the gospel to myself, taking the good and ignoring the needs, especially when Yohannan mentioned in his book that when every pulse you feel, there are people dying without hearing the gospel.
Lord, but how? It is easy to say, but how do I serve You? I struggle everyday with completing my work task and stay healthy and vibrant. I am weary and tired, mind is full of fears, problems to solve, worries… how do I serve You? I hardly have time to fellowship with other believers, cannot go to church on Sundays, Lord You know my heart aches everytime when I missed a cellgroup, church service, or quiet time with You. You know my struggles, you know my weaknesses. I repent for all my sins of being materialistic and hedonistic at times, setting up idols to fulfil my hunger and emptiness. It is a constant battle mentally, physically and spiritually. I pray that no matter how, never let me forsake my faith in you (for it is the stupidiest thing to do), and use me for your glory, in loving, serving, praying for others, and take part in the work of the gospel. May your kingdom come, your will be done. May your name be glorified above all else. Amen.
Awesome Weekend in Sabah
It has been long since I blog. Blogging is a good indicator of my ‘spiritual awakeness’ as I often was being caught up and ‘buried’ by everyday routines and find no inspiration to write at all.
I just came back from a short trip in Sabah with my family during the Easter weekend. It was so awesome and it makes me feeling that my soul has coming back again. I have been missing those days in New Zealand while life is full of input and colours from travelling, university life with friends and OCF etc. Work is so boring in reality and inescapable, full of challenges, routines, and stress.
Talk about the holiday first, I went to Kota Kinabalu, the capital of state of Sabah, in northern East Malaysia, on the island of Borneo. We had minimum planning beforehand so everything just happens as it goes. My first challenge was renting a car in the airport (terminal 2), and drive it to terminal 1 where my family was. I haven’t drive since last year and I was slightly unconfident but I made it safely there. In the first day we were just checking in to the hotel, sort out our plans, hanging around in the city and markets.
We watched the beautiful sunset at Tanjung Aru beach and had dinner at the seafood place in Kampung Air, where there were hundreds choices of live seafood and free Kadazan performance on stage. The clams, shellfish, bamboo chicken with rice wine, sea cucumber etc were so good you can never find them anywhere else in the peninsula or Singapore.
Second day we decided to go up to the mountains since we rented a car. Firstly we went to Monsopiad Cultural Village, where the original Kadazan village was located since hundreds years ago. The dance performance was good and I was challenged by the Kadazan-Dusun warrior to shoot the balloon on the stage with the blowpipe. He was quite scary at first but better as he starts talking. We were challenged for the bamboo dance as well which I badly failed due to my weak muscle-nerve coordination. We were showed the houses, lifestyle, history and culture of the Kadazan-Dusun there, and of course the house of skull, where the ‘trophies’ of the headhunters are. Also, they showed us the making of rice wine, sago worms, tried a few traditional games like slingshot, and welcomed with the delicious traditional rice wine.
After the visit to the cultural village, it was the beginning of an adventure of surprises ahead. Our aim was Kinabalu Park where we were hoping to see Mount Kinabalu, the highest peak in South East Asia and Australia region, as well as the proboscis monkeys, an endangered monkey species which can only be found in Borneo. We roughly know how to go and how long it takes but did not know what to expect. The road trip turned out so amazing even the roads was not easy to drive on. The villages, paddy fields, stalls, ranges, vegetations, climate, rainforest… were so beautiful and my heart revives as I was praising God all the way through. The air was so cooling and refreshing, and people were so friendly. We went through a few towns, including Ranau and Kundasang, beautiful view, nice coffee too, and there located a war memorial for British soldiers during world war 2. If not mistaken on Anzac day 25 April there will be a mini service there for the remembrance of the sacrifices by Australian and New Zealand soldiers. The best part of the day was the sunset on the mountains, where the clouds intertwined between the ranges, it was one of the most beautiful sunsets I had ever seen in my life. We had Filipino dinner at Kampung Api-Api, was a unique experience, nice ambience and tasty, authentic Filipino food and people.
Third day was the ‘ocean day’. We visited the Sunday market, had our breakfast, and bought some souvenirs there, then headed to the islands after returning the rented car.
We decided to go to Manukan and Sapi Island out of a few islands in Tengku Abdul Rahman Marine Park. We hired snorkelling gears and snorkelled in Sapi and Manukan Island. To my slight disappointment I did neither seen live corals nor huge marine animals nor sea turtles. However the colourful tropical fishes and sea urchins were fun to see and swim with. Clear sea water and white sandy beaches were enough for us to enjoy and relax for a whole day.
As we unable to decide we went back to Kampung Air’s eating place again and had the free flow seafood hotpot there.
This morning went for a walk at Tanjung Aru Beach again to say bye bye. Restaurants there were so nice and I started to imagine having a mini wedding there.
Really if I can I wish to marry a Sabahan or Sarawakian, so that I have excuse to go there frequently or live there! I love East Malaysia and I feel a special connection with that land as there is where I was born and grew up. Sadly, I had to leave for Singapore and back to the real world again.
I just came back from a short trip in Sabah with my family during the Easter weekend. It was so awesome and it makes me feeling that my soul has coming back again. I have been missing those days in New Zealand while life is full of input and colours from travelling, university life with friends and OCF etc. Work is so boring in reality and inescapable, full of challenges, routines, and stress.
Talk about the holiday first, I went to Kota Kinabalu, the capital of state of Sabah, in northern East Malaysia, on the island of Borneo. We had minimum planning beforehand so everything just happens as it goes. My first challenge was renting a car in the airport (terminal 2), and drive it to terminal 1 where my family was. I haven’t drive since last year and I was slightly unconfident but I made it safely there. In the first day we were just checking in to the hotel, sort out our plans, hanging around in the city and markets.
We watched the beautiful sunset at Tanjung Aru beach and had dinner at the seafood place in Kampung Air, where there were hundreds choices of live seafood and free Kadazan performance on stage. The clams, shellfish, bamboo chicken with rice wine, sea cucumber etc were so good you can never find them anywhere else in the peninsula or Singapore.
Second day we decided to go up to the mountains since we rented a car. Firstly we went to Monsopiad Cultural Village, where the original Kadazan village was located since hundreds years ago. The dance performance was good and I was challenged by the Kadazan-Dusun warrior to shoot the balloon on the stage with the blowpipe. He was quite scary at first but better as he starts talking. We were challenged for the bamboo dance as well which I badly failed due to my weak muscle-nerve coordination. We were showed the houses, lifestyle, history and culture of the Kadazan-Dusun there, and of course the house of skull, where the ‘trophies’ of the headhunters are. Also, they showed us the making of rice wine, sago worms, tried a few traditional games like slingshot, and welcomed with the delicious traditional rice wine.
After the visit to the cultural village, it was the beginning of an adventure of surprises ahead. Our aim was Kinabalu Park where we were hoping to see Mount Kinabalu, the highest peak in South East Asia and Australia region, as well as the proboscis monkeys, an endangered monkey species which can only be found in Borneo. We roughly know how to go and how long it takes but did not know what to expect. The road trip turned out so amazing even the roads was not easy to drive on. The villages, paddy fields, stalls, ranges, vegetations, climate, rainforest… were so beautiful and my heart revives as I was praising God all the way through. The air was so cooling and refreshing, and people were so friendly. We went through a few towns, including Ranau and Kundasang, beautiful view, nice coffee too, and there located a war memorial for British soldiers during world war 2. If not mistaken on Anzac day 25 April there will be a mini service there for the remembrance of the sacrifices by Australian and New Zealand soldiers. The best part of the day was the sunset on the mountains, where the clouds intertwined between the ranges, it was one of the most beautiful sunsets I had ever seen in my life. We had Filipino dinner at Kampung Api-Api, was a unique experience, nice ambience and tasty, authentic Filipino food and people.
Third day was the ‘ocean day’. We visited the Sunday market, had our breakfast, and bought some souvenirs there, then headed to the islands after returning the rented car.We decided to go to Manukan and Sapi Island out of a few islands in Tengku Abdul Rahman Marine Park. We hired snorkelling gears and snorkelled in Sapi and Manukan Island. To my slight disappointment I did neither seen live corals nor huge marine animals nor sea turtles. However the colourful tropical fishes and sea urchins were fun to see and swim with. Clear sea water and white sandy beaches were enough for us to enjoy and relax for a whole day.
As we unable to decide we went back to Kampung Air’s eating place again and had the free flow seafood hotpot there.
This morning went for a walk at Tanjung Aru Beach again to say bye bye. Restaurants there were so nice and I started to imagine having a mini wedding there.
Really if I can I wish to marry a Sabahan or Sarawakian, so that I have excuse to go there frequently or live there! I love East Malaysia and I feel a special connection with that land as there is where I was born and grew up. Sadly, I had to leave for Singapore and back to the real world again.Thursday, March 26, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I feel dead
I am aware that something inside me has 'died'. I don't feel 'alive' anymore, just dead and dull working life here. This can be me, but I don't want to remain in this way. Work is way beyond my control, working super duper hard yet still probably will be blamed. I can't deny that I have learnt a lot, overcame a lot of challenges and barriers, and build some good work relationships. However, everything is too overwhelming. If I have a choice and influence to make this place a better place to work, I will definitely stay. If only She will listen.
Somehow I feel lost again. I am desperate for something, something unknown, but huge. Something in which could not be contained in crampy Singapore. The worst thing can ever happen to me is lost of memory, or narrowing of worldview. Scared that one day I will take in everything surround me as the way world is, and forgetting how the rest of the world looks like.
Lost again, I'm again replanning my future route. Should I pick up the arts stuffs again, which I'd always been wanting to get back? Should I start making coffee and travelling around the world? Should I become a missionary in somewhere remote? I just know that, although I can do it, and enjoy it at times, management and administration are not something I have so much interest in.
Lord, I don't know where and how, but please deliver me to a place in which I can feel more 'alive' in. Which I have better work-life balance, more of you, more of the beauty of you and the people you created. I am hunger and thirsty for 'life', something so sweet, nourishing, and quenching, yet seems so far away from me right now. Please replace worries with peace, sorrows with joy, uncertainties with hope, doubt with trust, fear with faith, weakness with strength in you. I need you, Lord, more than anything. I miss you. I don't know and cannot feel where you are, but surely you will are always here, just that I'm not aware of it. Need you more than ever.
Somehow I feel lost again. I am desperate for something, something unknown, but huge. Something in which could not be contained in crampy Singapore. The worst thing can ever happen to me is lost of memory, or narrowing of worldview. Scared that one day I will take in everything surround me as the way world is, and forgetting how the rest of the world looks like.
Lost again, I'm again replanning my future route. Should I pick up the arts stuffs again, which I'd always been wanting to get back? Should I start making coffee and travelling around the world? Should I become a missionary in somewhere remote? I just know that, although I can do it, and enjoy it at times, management and administration are not something I have so much interest in.
Lord, I don't know where and how, but please deliver me to a place in which I can feel more 'alive' in. Which I have better work-life balance, more of you, more of the beauty of you and the people you created. I am hunger and thirsty for 'life', something so sweet, nourishing, and quenching, yet seems so far away from me right now. Please replace worries with peace, sorrows with joy, uncertainties with hope, doubt with trust, fear with faith, weakness with strength in you. I need you, Lord, more than anything. I miss you. I don't know and cannot feel where you are, but surely you will are always here, just that I'm not aware of it. Need you more than ever.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Dreaming again... Anne needs some sleep
Just came back from IEC fellowship, was so good. Love the sermon from Joseph Tong, love the worship, love the people, love the food, love the culture. Oh the songs they sang for Indonesia day, were so awesome! Man I just love the so many kinds and languages of Indonesian folk songs, and made me miss my home country and cultures back home. I have a sudden urge of 'melting' in the kampungs, eat, live, sing and dance with the villagers...don't mention the lush rainforests, sandy beaches, mighty mountains, tranquil lakes, rich flora and fauna... oh... ah... k... next targets: Sabah KK trip (Easter weekend), Sarawak rainforest music festival (July), Poland (IFES world conference, next year). Other possible plans: Gold Coast, Thailand, Vietnam and Indonesia, short trips. Hmm... yea... travelling addictive, not good. Lilis says: "Anne will not obsess..." haha. Well I'm just tired so it was a bit random. Nite nite.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Struggling... again...
I'm getting so sick of myself, I hate being struggling all the time and stressing out about life but I am. Each time the thought of my dreams came, it stung my heart that I just want to get out of here as soon as possible. Always, things turn out the opposite of what I wished for. If not because I have no choice for my first proper job in my life ,I would not work here for another day. I want to be a 'normal' girl who looks after herself, acne free, ladylike and be nice to everybody. But life simply doesn't allow me to do that. I applied for an executive post ended up becoming a supervisor nannying people. What should I do with them? If only I have the power to employ new staff... Of course I need to re-evaluate myself: have I become a monster? Why the world just don't allow me to be a nice little office lady with weekends off and normal shift timings just as everyone else?
God I am so tired my heart is beating irregularly, my eyes are dry and I tried to read the bible but I just cannot. Is there any other way that I can approach you more easily? I do pray, but you seem so far away. The more I work, the more sinful feel about myself. I just want a simple, carefree life, or more meaningful life... I just want to live for you... I am not meant to be bound and enslaved by my heavy work, I don't live to work, I work to live, no, perhaps work to glorify your name, Lord, but just teach me how to do it. Amen
God I am so tired my heart is beating irregularly, my eyes are dry and I tried to read the bible but I just cannot. Is there any other way that I can approach you more easily? I do pray, but you seem so far away. The more I work, the more sinful feel about myself. I just want a simple, carefree life, or more meaningful life... I just want to live for you... I am not meant to be bound and enslaved by my heavy work, I don't live to work, I work to live, no, perhaps work to glorify your name, Lord, but just teach me how to do it. Amen
Friday, February 06, 2009
Huayi Chinese Festival of Arts
After the inspiring shows at Huayi Festival of Chinese Arts at the Esplanade, I feel alive again and feel so blessed by being who I am. Firstly was the east west fusion jazz – with Chinese ‘San Xian’, Indian drums, keyboard, bongo and conga. The band played a few good pieces providing good starter for the night. Then I was dragged unwillingly before the show finish to watch the Taiwanese puppets. I had never seen these puppets live before, but I used to love it on TV as a toddler, and mum told me a lot about puppets as those are her important childhood element. The puppets were so lively and I feel sense of warmth and joy from the bottom from my heart. Lastly, I was dragged again to watch the drums show, originated from my high school, now a famous team performing in many countries. The drum team from my high school is the best in the country, and I loved to watch it as it stirs my heart with every drumbeat. I used to buy tickets to watch the drum performance with my friends and the show tonight brings back a lot of memories.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Please liberate me, Truth
I feel exhausted. Work is extremely busy, non-stop, and challenging. I don't know when I will be resting completely again. I had a great time spent with family during Chinese New Year, first time celebrating it since I left KL and studied in NZ. I was rostered to work on the first and second day of cny, therefore my parents and brother came to Singapore to accompany me. It makes so much difference with family around even working during festive season, at least I feel their love and support, and don't feel so lonely as compared to last year when I worked in Te Anau. I had 4 days break after that and went back to Kuala Lumpur, home sweet home. Had lots of food all the way from Singapore to KL such as Yu Sheng, steamed fish, cereal prawns, hotpot, mee suah, fishball noodles at Yong Peng, barley dessert and otak-otak at Muar, new year cookies... It was great to be able to meet up with some friends from high school, and visited art teacher's house. Gathering of art society's ex-committee members was awesome and bring back a lot of memories.
Sometimes I just need to constantly reminding myself of who I am, or else I will easily being caught up at work and become a zombie, a slave. Sometimes I get very miserable of being stuck here to work for a living, because I love freedom, travelling and search meaning for life. I have so many questions and trying to find the reason to be happy each day. Life is real, it is fallen, it is cruel. You cannot deny that there are many people who are struggling each day just to survive, they might be battling their illnesses and pains, they might be trying to feed and educate their kids, they might be looking after their sick loved ones. The hospital is the best mirror of reality. It reminds me of our fragile, temporal life, it reminds me of inescapable suffering, illness and pain, it reminds me of an imperfect, fallen world.
What’s the point that you yourself are happily enjoying the luxuries, while others are suffering in pain and struggling to get food to survive? How can you say that this life is wonderful, that you have a perfect family and well-paid job but others are groaning in pain lying in the hospital? Unless you avoid it at all, but there is a disturbing voice in your heart reminding you that perhaps one day you or your loved ones will be like that as well. I tried to escape from the thought at all, pretend that it’s none of my business, because that’s the way life is, for others at least. Yet I feel guilty about it, guilty that I am so selfish, and foolish thinking in such way.
I learnt that there is only one reason I can feel justified to rejoice in, it is hope. Not just any vain hope in a better lifestyle, better next vacation, healthy body, being in love, being with family… because these ‘hopes’ can disappear, just because this world is cursed and imperfect. Only the hope which found in the ultimate Truth can quench my longing for happiness. The hope of promise brought by Jesus from dying on the cross, that I will no longer be enslaved by sin, sinful nature, sinful world, and fallen world as a consequence of sin. The hope that one day I will be free from sinning, suffering, pain, hurt, and disappointment. The hope that one day all my longings will be fulfilled, that the kingdom will come where justice and mercy equally important. The hope that God with full of love and wisdom will rule the world, my heart and soul and completely rest! What a luxury!
Yes I agree that I have no idea what God has in store for me, and at times I have no patience with Him and I asked for something else lesser. Of course I wished I do not have to work, or work at a better place with nicer people and lesser workload. But if this challenging job at the moment can be used by God to shape my character so that I could receive more of His blessing, why not? Ok, I feel content at the moment, I do. There is nothing more I need to ask for, just hope that I will always remember who He is and where my focus is.
Sometimes I just need to constantly reminding myself of who I am, or else I will easily being caught up at work and become a zombie, a slave. Sometimes I get very miserable of being stuck here to work for a living, because I love freedom, travelling and search meaning for life. I have so many questions and trying to find the reason to be happy each day. Life is real, it is fallen, it is cruel. You cannot deny that there are many people who are struggling each day just to survive, they might be battling their illnesses and pains, they might be trying to feed and educate their kids, they might be looking after their sick loved ones. The hospital is the best mirror of reality. It reminds me of our fragile, temporal life, it reminds me of inescapable suffering, illness and pain, it reminds me of an imperfect, fallen world.
What’s the point that you yourself are happily enjoying the luxuries, while others are suffering in pain and struggling to get food to survive? How can you say that this life is wonderful, that you have a perfect family and well-paid job but others are groaning in pain lying in the hospital? Unless you avoid it at all, but there is a disturbing voice in your heart reminding you that perhaps one day you or your loved ones will be like that as well. I tried to escape from the thought at all, pretend that it’s none of my business, because that’s the way life is, for others at least. Yet I feel guilty about it, guilty that I am so selfish, and foolish thinking in such way.
I learnt that there is only one reason I can feel justified to rejoice in, it is hope. Not just any vain hope in a better lifestyle, better next vacation, healthy body, being in love, being with family… because these ‘hopes’ can disappear, just because this world is cursed and imperfect. Only the hope which found in the ultimate Truth can quench my longing for happiness. The hope of promise brought by Jesus from dying on the cross, that I will no longer be enslaved by sin, sinful nature, sinful world, and fallen world as a consequence of sin. The hope that one day I will be free from sinning, suffering, pain, hurt, and disappointment. The hope that one day all my longings will be fulfilled, that the kingdom will come where justice and mercy equally important. The hope that God with full of love and wisdom will rule the world, my heart and soul and completely rest! What a luxury!
Yes I agree that I have no idea what God has in store for me, and at times I have no patience with Him and I asked for something else lesser. Of course I wished I do not have to work, or work at a better place with nicer people and lesser workload. But if this challenging job at the moment can be used by God to shape my character so that I could receive more of His blessing, why not? Ok, I feel content at the moment, I do. There is nothing more I need to ask for, just hope that I will always remember who He is and where my focus is.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Still
Words and Music by Reuben Morgan
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
My Current Favourite Song
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Random thoughts
I am stuck with my computer! Should go out and get something to fill my stomach but I find this addictive... hehe. Seems long time since I am able to reflect upon what I have been through recently. Life here, well... different. Being independent is no difference as in NZ, just that I am more independent now, of which less people I can depend on. That's good though, that means God is taking me out of my comfort zone, and pushing me beyond the limits, and challenge me to breakthrough and grow as I approach adulthood.
I have been blessed so much with my brothers and sisters in Christ, in my church and a friend's church which I am visiting. I know the 'truths' but now I am experiencing it, one of it is that only in God's family, the community which I desire to live with can only be found. These people have shown kindness and friendliness towards me, and it means a lot for me who without family in Singapore. Also, I love the food, jazz and arts scene here in Singapore, so much quality live performances/exhibitions are going on, some of them are free, which is brilliant. Not to forget mention the community clubs here, I just joined a loyalty programme by Community Clubs in Sg, which provides discounts and informations on arts events, nature walks, shop & dine, and various community activities, how good is that?
Nevertheless, work is the heavier part of my life. It has been a lot better since I attended church services on last two Sundays. The Word of God does helps to strengthen my faith and creates peace of mind, and the Spirit touch comes with the confession of sins and holy communion reminded me of who I am and how much Christ means in my life. I can 't stop repeating this again and again, that without Christ, I am Nothing, and I am unable to enjoy what I have at the moment, and I will live in great fear and depression everyday. Life is empty without him, life has no meaning without him. The longer I walk with Him, the more longing I am to know Him and to be with Him.
Another 'truth' I am experiencing is this: to be a great leader, is to serve. There is no other way to 'earn' others respect (indeed to earn ones respect is a sign of pride) other than humbly serve the people, with great sincerity. Serve the staff, workers, boss and patients, so that Christ glory will be magnified and I can be the salt and light to them. All these people need God, they need to know Him, and they need His light, to overcome the darkness in their hearts. As what Pastor Caleb Tong preached in the church on Sunday, we should bless, and not curse. If the person deserves the blessing, he will be blessed. In contrast, if the person does not deserve the blessing, the blessing will come back to me, who blesses, and I will be doubly blessed! Oh how wonderful is the analogy. And don't forget God is a Just God, he will judge the world with perfect righteousness, and it is His job to judge or condemn, not me. My duty is to love, to forgive, and to bless those who has been wrong or harsh to me.
It is time for me to practice the 'Truths' I've been learning from God. I'm amazed at how efficient God uses my past, my learning and my experiences. Not even one of them is 'wasted', all the things I have learnt and experienced from the past, and my knowledge of who God is, determines how I am going to solve the problems in life and how my character will be in the midst of difficulties.
Even I do not know Him fully, but by faith and the knowledge I have learnt from the Bible, I can continue to persevere yet rejoice until my last breath in this temporal life.
I have been blessed so much with my brothers and sisters in Christ, in my church and a friend's church which I am visiting. I know the 'truths' but now I am experiencing it, one of it is that only in God's family, the community which I desire to live with can only be found. These people have shown kindness and friendliness towards me, and it means a lot for me who without family in Singapore. Also, I love the food, jazz and arts scene here in Singapore, so much quality live performances/exhibitions are going on, some of them are free, which is brilliant. Not to forget mention the community clubs here, I just joined a loyalty programme by Community Clubs in Sg, which provides discounts and informations on arts events, nature walks, shop & dine, and various community activities, how good is that?
Nevertheless, work is the heavier part of my life. It has been a lot better since I attended church services on last two Sundays. The Word of God does helps to strengthen my faith and creates peace of mind, and the Spirit touch comes with the confession of sins and holy communion reminded me of who I am and how much Christ means in my life. I can 't stop repeating this again and again, that without Christ, I am Nothing, and I am unable to enjoy what I have at the moment, and I will live in great fear and depression everyday. Life is empty without him, life has no meaning without him. The longer I walk with Him, the more longing I am to know Him and to be with Him.
Another 'truth' I am experiencing is this: to be a great leader, is to serve. There is no other way to 'earn' others respect (indeed to earn ones respect is a sign of pride) other than humbly serve the people, with great sincerity. Serve the staff, workers, boss and patients, so that Christ glory will be magnified and I can be the salt and light to them. All these people need God, they need to know Him, and they need His light, to overcome the darkness in their hearts. As what Pastor Caleb Tong preached in the church on Sunday, we should bless, and not curse. If the person deserves the blessing, he will be blessed. In contrast, if the person does not deserve the blessing, the blessing will come back to me, who blesses, and I will be doubly blessed! Oh how wonderful is the analogy. And don't forget God is a Just God, he will judge the world with perfect righteousness, and it is His job to judge or condemn, not me. My duty is to love, to forgive, and to bless those who has been wrong or harsh to me.
It is time for me to practice the 'Truths' I've been learning from God. I'm amazed at how efficient God uses my past, my learning and my experiences. Not even one of them is 'wasted', all the things I have learnt and experienced from the past, and my knowledge of who God is, determines how I am going to solve the problems in life and how my character will be in the midst of difficulties.
Even I do not know Him fully, but by faith and the knowledge I have learnt from the Bible, I can continue to persevere yet rejoice until my last breath in this temporal life.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
New Year 'Resolution?'
In year 2009, I wish/hope/want to:
1. Get organized and reduce stress at work.
2. Get in touch with friends (yeah that's you).
3. Travel to another country at least once.
4. Go home at least once in two months.
5. Cultivate a new hobby and stick with it (photography).
6. Get a life (at least on day offs, holidays).
7. Read the whole bible!
8. Read more books.
9. Make new friends.
10.Share the gospel.
11. Encourage/build up others.
12. Be a nicer person.
13. Stay healthy and energetic, no more mind fogging and lethargy.
14. Keep updated and maintain a global mindset.
15. Be sociable.
16. Pray harder!
17. Exercise!
18. Don't forget the music!
1. Get organized and reduce stress at work.
2. Get in touch with friends (yeah that's you).
3. Travel to another country at least once.
4. Go home at least once in two months.
5. Cultivate a new hobby and stick with it (photography).
6. Get a life (at least on day offs, holidays).
7. Read the whole bible!
8. Read more books.
9. Make new friends.
10.Share the gospel.
11. Encourage/build up others.
12. Be a nicer person.
13. Stay healthy and energetic, no more mind fogging and lethargy.
14. Keep updated and maintain a global mindset.
15. Be sociable.
16. Pray harder!
17. Exercise!
18. Don't forget the music!
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Stress again, sigh...
Yeah, stay positive is very important. Especially being in this world like sheep among wolves, we need to stay positive and remain strong. It has been over two months since I started work in Singapore. I would say, work is stressful, and I already being challenged physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It came to a point that, I don't even know what is my feeling at the moment, I am numb but somehow fragile inside, like little thing can trigger the breakdown mechanism anytime.
I need to overcome this mountain, step over it and say, everything is under control, at least under God's. Do one thing at a time, and deal with everything and everyone with patient and gentleness. Well I would say it is not as easy as I say. Work is like neverending, people were like enjoying dumping work on me and laugh at me on the side. My assistants are giving me lots of trouble, and colleagues dumping work on me, my bosses could not understand how much work I need to do before they keep chasing the outcomes. Working more than 10 hours a day for 6 days a week, how do I get a life? I miss my parents in my hometown, and I would say, there is nothing much I can look forward to in life, in short term. Unless I save enough money within a few years time, and change a decent job or travel the world which allows me a balance, maybe I can socialise more and get a 'life'. But, I would be old then, people would be gotten married and have babies while I just start to connect to the world.
Sigh... what do I look forward to in life? In long term, it is Jesus' Kingdom, the eternal blessing of living in a perfect world with the Perfect God. Oh how long it can be? Though I'm getting older, the 'afterlife' seems getting more further to attain, like I'm falling into a deep pit of darkness before I get to be pulled out by the hands of merciful God.
Why I'm always stuck in this situation? Is it because of my stupid decision of the kind of job I chose? Or I'm stupid enough to expect I'm able to conquer my failures from the past? A highly stressful shift work will just compromise my youth, my relationships, and my quality time with God. I hate myself like this, like a zombie. I should be free, but how?
If the Son sets me free, I will be free indeed? How? Can Jesus please show me? Again Satan is challenging me, anger and bitterness starts creeping in, I'm glad I have no relationship or any sort of other commitment right now, maybe I am the right person for this job.
I'm getting insane, having a headache now. Please, have mercy on me Lord, give me strength so that I won't let my tears burst out in embarrassment in front of anyone anymore. In this no mercy world, please show me what mercy is. In this unloving world, please show me what love is. In this sinful world, please show me what purity is. I will read your Word, but please give me concentration, I will pray, please take my burdens. I need you Lord, more than anything. There must be a purpose for all these.
I need to overcome this mountain, step over it and say, everything is under control, at least under God's. Do one thing at a time, and deal with everything and everyone with patient and gentleness. Well I would say it is not as easy as I say. Work is like neverending, people were like enjoying dumping work on me and laugh at me on the side. My assistants are giving me lots of trouble, and colleagues dumping work on me, my bosses could not understand how much work I need to do before they keep chasing the outcomes. Working more than 10 hours a day for 6 days a week, how do I get a life? I miss my parents in my hometown, and I would say, there is nothing much I can look forward to in life, in short term. Unless I save enough money within a few years time, and change a decent job or travel the world which allows me a balance, maybe I can socialise more and get a 'life'. But, I would be old then, people would be gotten married and have babies while I just start to connect to the world.
Sigh... what do I look forward to in life? In long term, it is Jesus' Kingdom, the eternal blessing of living in a perfect world with the Perfect God. Oh how long it can be? Though I'm getting older, the 'afterlife' seems getting more further to attain, like I'm falling into a deep pit of darkness before I get to be pulled out by the hands of merciful God.
Why I'm always stuck in this situation? Is it because of my stupid decision of the kind of job I chose? Or I'm stupid enough to expect I'm able to conquer my failures from the past? A highly stressful shift work will just compromise my youth, my relationships, and my quality time with God. I hate myself like this, like a zombie. I should be free, but how?
If the Son sets me free, I will be free indeed? How? Can Jesus please show me? Again Satan is challenging me, anger and bitterness starts creeping in, I'm glad I have no relationship or any sort of other commitment right now, maybe I am the right person for this job.
I'm getting insane, having a headache now. Please, have mercy on me Lord, give me strength so that I won't let my tears burst out in embarrassment in front of anyone anymore. In this no mercy world, please show me what mercy is. In this unloving world, please show me what love is. In this sinful world, please show me what purity is. I will read your Word, but please give me concentration, I will pray, please take my burdens. I need you Lord, more than anything. There must be a purpose for all these.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Last blog in 2008
So fast it is the end of the year again. 2008, what did I achieved? What did I gained? What did I lost? So much had been going on, but had been so empty. 2008 is a transition phase in my life, from study to work, from kid to adult, from girl, yet to be woman. With no doubt, this year is a lonely year for me, it has been tough, and I have learnt that only what and who matters in this life.
Went to Esplanade just now, by myself, wanted to see fireworks, first new year eve in Singapore. I went with the hope that the crowd and the "happenings" will quench my loneliness and emptiness inside. There were so many people, so many live performances, so much going on. However, everything seems detached from me, I can relate to neither the crowd, nor the performances, or the atmosphere at all. They just magnified the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I chose a few great spots to view the fireworks display, but I left, because it is meaningless, although I love fireworks, I am no more excited by it, my heart has grown cold indeed.
Perhaps I have the weirdest personality on earth, it seems that I do not fit into any crowd. What is friendship? I need to redefine friendship as I grow old. Friends are not those who would hang out with you whenever you need them anymore, they are not the ones you are accountable with, or willing to carry your burdens, or to share their joy. Friends are occasional people whom I meet and happens to be together, and have a conversation. Do I need friends? Why do I need them?
Boyfriend, or opposite sex partner, is the worst of all, they are the ones who are lonely as well, and seek gratification for their own souls in the expense of their partners. They are extremely selfish, and meaningless. I do not understand why God created human in a way that they attracted to each other, then hurt each other later on. Therefore, would not it be better if stay alone, and being neutral for all genders.
I tried to live in my hometown, in capital city of my home country, in a foreign country with completely different culture, in small town, in middle size city, in a metropolitan. It's all the same, I have not yet found the 'thing' that I need, although I do not really know what that is. There is emptiness in all there places, and deep in my heart I know that I am searching in vain.
My mind knows that only God can fill this emptiness, but I cannot comprehend it, I cannot understand that how can it be done.
Therefore I can only hope that one day, this emptiness will be filled, that I will not be lonely anymore, will not be forgotten anymore, that someday, the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled, that no more hurts, no more tears, no more fear and negative feelings will be present in me anymore.
Thank God I still have my parents, and my brother, they are the ones who never leave me and always care about me. Thank God they helped to reveal what kind of a God you are. Although still I could not feel your presence, but I bear the hope that one day I will feel you again.
May year 2009 will be better for me, less tough. However, above all, Your will is to be done. Whatever does not kill me, it makes me stronger. Praise be to You my Lord.
Went to Esplanade just now, by myself, wanted to see fireworks, first new year eve in Singapore. I went with the hope that the crowd and the "happenings" will quench my loneliness and emptiness inside. There were so many people, so many live performances, so much going on. However, everything seems detached from me, I can relate to neither the crowd, nor the performances, or the atmosphere at all. They just magnified the loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I chose a few great spots to view the fireworks display, but I left, because it is meaningless, although I love fireworks, I am no more excited by it, my heart has grown cold indeed.
Perhaps I have the weirdest personality on earth, it seems that I do not fit into any crowd. What is friendship? I need to redefine friendship as I grow old. Friends are not those who would hang out with you whenever you need them anymore, they are not the ones you are accountable with, or willing to carry your burdens, or to share their joy. Friends are occasional people whom I meet and happens to be together, and have a conversation. Do I need friends? Why do I need them?
Boyfriend, or opposite sex partner, is the worst of all, they are the ones who are lonely as well, and seek gratification for their own souls in the expense of their partners. They are extremely selfish, and meaningless. I do not understand why God created human in a way that they attracted to each other, then hurt each other later on. Therefore, would not it be better if stay alone, and being neutral for all genders.
I tried to live in my hometown, in capital city of my home country, in a foreign country with completely different culture, in small town, in middle size city, in a metropolitan. It's all the same, I have not yet found the 'thing' that I need, although I do not really know what that is. There is emptiness in all there places, and deep in my heart I know that I am searching in vain.
My mind knows that only God can fill this emptiness, but I cannot comprehend it, I cannot understand that how can it be done.
Therefore I can only hope that one day, this emptiness will be filled, that I will not be lonely anymore, will not be forgotten anymore, that someday, the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled, that no more hurts, no more tears, no more fear and negative feelings will be present in me anymore.
Thank God I still have my parents, and my brother, they are the ones who never leave me and always care about me. Thank God they helped to reveal what kind of a God you are. Although still I could not feel your presence, but I bear the hope that one day I will feel you again.
May year 2009 will be better for me, less tough. However, above all, Your will is to be done. Whatever does not kill me, it makes me stronger. Praise be to You my Lord.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Some thoughts
I don't know how to describe this stage of my life, it is probably not the most enjoyable or memorable period in my life, but it is definitely the time when I start to grow and become a real adult. After teenage years I never hope that I want to grow up anymore. The world of adults is cruel, hard and cold. There is no happying merrying jumping anymore, but a half-done pottery thrown into the fire to be baked and hardened through fiery tests and trials.
This is the time that I started to experience the bittersweet moments in life. Life is always challenging, the bitterness comes from hardships, difficulties, and loneliness, but praise God there is still sweetness of God's grace and comfort that can only be tasted in the midst of uncomfort. I don't know if I am obsessed with punishing or abusing myself, but I feel better when I am actually not taking life for granted through enduring hardships, especially when I see the patients and their relatives, real people who suffers and in pain.
Life is so fragile, who are we but dust? It is so naive and ignorant that there are people who thought that they can escape suffering and death or avoiding the issue altogether. It is closer than you think, it is not something which is so far from us that we won't suffer if we don't think about it. We think that we are in control, as long as we eat the right food and do exercises or do more good things, we will be healthy all our life. But no, who can decide how life's going to be for himself?
I used to fear of growing up, and tried to avoid suffering and death issues, I had so much fear that I just pretended that it will never happen to me or my loved ones. I was fooling myself, I cannot even decide how my tomorrow is going to be. I rather be mourning for my helplessness than be pretending that I am happy. I rather to endure than trying to escape hard life. I choose the hard way, the narrow path, the challenging way, I face it, endure it, rather than trying to escape, for there is not without hope. I lean on Christ, only hope I have, only One whom I find meaning of life in. Jesus said he comes for the sick and lame, for only sick people needs doctor. I am that sick sinner, who needs a healer, a redeemer, to save me from this deathly pit. Praise be to God that in Him there is hope of eternal life, for we are created for eternity as free people, not enslaved by sins and sufferings in this dark dark world. I am longing for more and more of this hope, and it will be revealed to me when I am being raised up to heaven.
Lord, I miss you, I long for you, I just want to see your face.
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