Wait, I'm getting there.

How many times will I be rejected until I get the right one? When I look back what was happening in my past year since graduation, I think I’m surviving pretty well, thank God I never attempted to kill myself. I try not to see things in that way, rather praise God in the midst of the crisis in my life. I was graduated without a direction, was facing financial problems while I was in NZ. I was forced to work as a cleaner to support my living, I was refused by companies which I applied jobs for. My church and fellowship undergo dynamic changes, and to escape from everything, I moved to Te Anau. I was very tired and stressful working there, to make it worse my boyfriend dumped me when I need him the most. Then I made some minor plans before I head home, hopefully can rest temporarily in my own sanctuary. Then I was facing reverse culture shock, I could not find a job, I could not cope with anything, I don’t want to go to church, I never hang out with my friends, and I withdrew myself from the world…

But thank God it wasn’t too bad at all. I feel much better now and start getting comfortable staying at home. The worst thing I need to do is getting to a job interview. The only thing that disturbing me is, is this what God intends me to do? Is this a process of refining my character, or a result of a series of bad decisions made?

I can’t stop questioning: why ‘everyone else’ is enjoying their life? Why ‘everyone else’ has a much smoother road to walk on than I do? Why ‘everyone else’ seems normal and I feel left out from the society, or the world? I am very sure that my IQ is not too much lower than an average working human, and my EQ is not too terrible than some awfully rich people or politicians.

God knows how much I can endure, he knows that I can handle all this and still firm in faith. It is rather encouraging to hear stories like Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Addison or William Carey about how success cannot be achieved easily. It would be a definite huge success and testimony if I manage to overcome this crisis; I’m looking forward to that day. And I know I will have the opportunities to use this experience to encourage others to trust in God. As long as I stand on and not give into negative aspects. I’m rather peaceful that I don’t expect God to give me ‘the best life’ after being faithful to Him. I don’t expect the successes and glories that I will gain if I believe God loves me. I believe God is good, He is powerful, and He loves me. full stop.

It doesn’t matter right? One day I will see the purpose of all this, one day I will see Him face to face and I will know everything spontaneously. I don’t need the approval or appreciation from another human being, because it is more than enough that the highest God knows me and loves me from the inside out. To be honest, I don't expect anything from this world, though I know there are beautiful places where I always want to visit, I know that the heaven will be much better. The only aim of my life at the moment is: being used by God to extend His Kingdom, that His glory will be magnified in whatever I do. I don't want to waste my life for any lesser purpose than this.

I cried

I'm deeply moved by the news on tv about earthquake in China. I wish I can do something but I can't really help these people. Lord I pray for your comfort and hope for the victims' families, I pray for the energy and efficiency of the rescuers so that they can save as many people as possible. I pray for your soothing and healing on their emotions. Pray that you will reveal yourself through adversities to these people. I pray for Myanmar will open it's door to receive foreign aids and stop letting so many people died unnecessarily in hunger and disease. I pray that this would be a reminder for all the Christians to question their faith and take You seriously. I pray that Christians will be united and step out to offer help and prayers for these people. I pray that Christians will show love and compassion for these people because of Jesus Christ.

More natural disasters, more people killed without hearing the gospel

One thing I love being stay at home is, I feel much closer to the real world. The real world where all suffering, wickedness, injustice happened, and there is a urgent need of the gospel for so many people.

In case you do not know what nature disaster is happening in the world, there are

China: 7.9 magnitude earthquake in Szechuan that kills nearly 10,000.

Myanmar: cyclone Nargis disaster that kills between 50,000 to 10,000, left 200,0000 homeless people.

America: Tornado in north-eastern Oklahoma

It used to be my response to question why all these are happening. But now I have a different response: I believe that God is in control in all these events, I do not know why or what is the purpose, I think I am too arrogant if I demand God’s explanation. My response is: what should be my response in view of God to worldly disasters?

There is a song that came into my head this morning, it is a Chinese hymn which lyrics taken from 1 Peter 4:7-8:

The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

I also read a passage from Ecclesiastes 11 this morning. Ecclesiastes 11:5-6

As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.

In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

Luke 21:34

“But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap. For it will come upon all who dwell on the face of the whole earth. But stay awake at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are going to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man.”

All of us will suffer, some choose not to suffer at the moment, for they think they could escape, others have no choice but suffer. The Bible says all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted (2 Timothy 3:12). God gave us believers a beautiful promise in the midst of persecution: you will be delivered up even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and some of you they will put to death. You will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But not a hair of your head will perish. By your endurance you will gain your lives (Luke 21:16-19).

My point is, you will suffer no matter what, even you cannot see where or when it is coming from. Know who you believe, stay awake, do not be deceived. Keep praying, be self-controlled and sober minded, love one another earnestly. Sow your seeds in the Kingdom of God, invest in the Kingdom of God, share the gospel, live a godly life, but remember it will cost your suffering and persecution. Enter through the narrow gate, and walk the narrow path, till that day you are proven faithful to God.

Don't forget to pray for disasters victims, pray for people's repentance, and pray for Christian brothers and sisters among them. Pray for God's mercy upon them, pray that food and aid will reach them as soon as possible.

Strong Youth Message

Lord, send your revival

I will not look back

I will not turn back to my sins

I will follow you, my loving Father

I was a lost sheep, and you found me

You chased me like a heavenly hound

I have no where to escape

Revive my soul O Lord

Revive my soul

Transform me into a new creation

Remember my sins no more

From now on I am yours

Forever I am yours

Fill me with the inexpressible joy

Though I shall suffer for your Name

Though this is a miserable world

I shall rejoice for the hope that is in you

The hope for justice

The hope for salvation

The hope for eternity

The hope to see you face-to-face

The hope of the satisfaction of soul

This hope will sustain me till the end of days

O Lord please humble me

O Lord, you are most worthy of all,

Worthy of our praises

Worthy of our worship

Worthy of our honour

Worthy of our obedience

Worthy of our service

Worthy of our love

All because you died for justice and love for us

Through the cross you bear our sins

You were forsaken by the Father

Smitten, afflicted, assaulted

Through the pain, the suffering, the torture

You expressed your mighty grace, unfailing love

O Lord there is none can compare

You humbled me to nothing,

I kneel before you,

Repenting for the depth of my sinfulness

I am desperate for your forgiveness

You have justified me, and please sanctify me.

Discipline me your child, teach me the right way

Lead me to the path of righteousness

I am ever hunger for your beauty, wonder

The glorious light that shines out by your holiness

Is the most beautiful light above all

You are the Supreme God, Highest of all

You alone are worthy of my worship and love

I need my dose of the Scripture

For he grew up before him like a young plant,

and like a root out of dry ground;

he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by men;

a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;

and as one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our grieves and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was wounded for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

Upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

And with his stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;

We have turned every one to his own way;

And the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,

yet he opened not his mouth;

like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,

and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,

so he opened not his mouth,

By oppression and judgment he was taken away;

and as for his generation,

who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living,

stricken for the transgression of my people?

And they made his grave with the wicked

and with a rich man in his death,

although he had done no violence,

and there was no deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;

he has put him to grief;

when his soul makes an offering for sin,

he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;

the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.

Isaiah 53:2~10

I need my dose of the Gospel

Everyone’s life has a purpose, according to God, so do I. But there is something that blocks me from achieving that purpose. I found myself in a situation in which I can’t trust anyone except my own parents, I can’t see how my dreams are going to achieve, I don’t want to work even I force myself, I dislike most employers.

Sin is like bacteria growing and creeping and eroding my soul, taking my hopes, dreams, courage, love, peace, confidence, trust… away.

There were incidents in my life that I thought were harmless or minor, in fact they had great impact. It seemed that in my life I’ve always been betrayed. Since I was about 3 years old a girl in kindy refuse to befriend me for no reason, and I was betrayed by my close friends in school for numerous times just because they can. In high school I was backstabbed by my classmate and my friends hated me for false truths. In college my close friend and her friends boycott me behind my back. During my first summer holiday my trust had betrayed by a recruitment agency, which took away the money which I earned with great effort. I was treated unfairly in a few part time jobs which I worked during study at university. I was betrayed in relationships, and then after a long time I thought I met the right one, I was betrayed again.

In all these incidents and relationships I never meant to hurt anyone. I was always sincere and tried to make peace with everyone, even more than that, to love these people around me. But in the end, I was always the one who being taken advantage of, being hated and forsaken for no reasons. Maybe I was not cool enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, and not proud enough to be their friend. Perhaps a good and sincere heart is never enough. A Chinese idiom says, “Kind horse is rode by man, kind person is taken advantage of/being bullied”. That is so true.

Sometimes there is only one way to explain and overcome all these hurts. I could not find any other better solution than Jesus. Not because this is my religion, but I don’t know what to say in view of Jesus. He is always sinless even he is fully human. I thought I wronged no one but I am still sinful. But He is holy, perfect in righteousness; and was betrayed all the time. He was hated by the world; people took advantage of him, mocked him, spat on him, slander him, claimed false truths about him, kill him… even until today people still do it all the time, hate him for no reasons. God is able to use His Mighty Power to wipe out humanity, but still He chose to die for us and want to forgive us, give us a second chance. My worldly mind can never comprehend how deep is His love, how holy He is, and how much my sinful nature and deeds had violated His perfection.

My rebellious nature has been refused, but in my consciousness I have no reason for not repenting for my sinfulness. I confess that there is no other god who could convince me to lovingly obey him. There is no god who is good enough, or holy enough to demand my repentance. Jesus’ love has put me to shock in silence.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. John 3:16-17

I want to relax!

What is a Christian way to relieve stress? I have been under huge stress since way before I graduate from university. Facing heaps of assignments and examinations, work and financial pressure, church and fellowship responsibilities, job hunting, relationship problems and future planning, I was burnt out. It became a lot worse after I graduate from university…

I tried so hard to cope with the problem, I did a lot of things to improve the situation. Although I can’t underestimate the problem, there’s no use to exaggerate the problem either. I went to see the doctor once when I was so sick during final exams, he suggested I have chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), all I can do is do more recreational activity and stop working.

I tried to analyse my problem, read the bible, remember God’s promises, and trying to submit all to Him. But the problem never goes away, it just keep accumulating including causing problems in my last relationship and in the end break up. I talked to myself, tried to talk to God at the same time. I told myself this isn’t the end of the world, I need to be happy and forget all unhappy things.

However, the reality is always the same, I need to get a job, still I need to survive and feed myself. Due to long term withdrawal from the crowd, I am losing my support network, i.e. my friends or brothers and sisters in Christ. I lost my work related references. All I feel like is continue withdraw from everyone whom I know, and start my life somewhere else again. Deep in my heart I know I should not be doing that, I should not runaway, or escape, I should face my problems, and deal with them.

Secular ways of stress relieving techniques including deep breathing, visualisation, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, yoga etc. What does the bible says about those techniques? Does not believe the bible itself sufficient to relieve my stress? If it is sufficient, which passage should I read? What should I do?

“Lord, forgive my sin of unbelief. I doubted your power and sufficiency. I doubted if you care enough to heal my brokenness and pain. I want to praise and worship you with my life, my words and my actions. I want to live peacefully and joyfully, shining as your child. But Lord, with my own strength, I am unable, for I am weak and powerless, to change myself and the circumstances. Change my heart O Lord, change my attitude, fixed my attention on yourself, gazing upon your beauty. Let your holiness heal my brokenness, let your love transform me, let your sovereignty strengthen my soul, let your character shape my integrity, let Jesus be my hope and salvation, empower me by your Holy Spirit. Get me ready to do your will, I know ultimate hopes and dreams and happiness can be found in you. Amen.”

Before I know how to be a disciple, I need to learn how to be a human. Before I know how to evangelize, I need to learn how to communicate. Before I know how to make a stand, I need to learn the culture.

Lord, I am ready

Stuck in this concrete jungle, I am forgetting that the world once, or in other places, is beautiful, and full of hope. I refused to pursue a comfortable wonderful life for myself, for I would not have a good conscience. If I truly love other people, if I truly love God, how I could pretend there is no one who is suffering, pretend that everyone is able to help themselves, pretend everyone already know the Truth? I can’t say that I can help much, I can’t say that I am able to influence the society, tragically I can’t even influence my own family, even struggling in myself!

Seeing everyone eating healthily, physically active, protect the environment, living sustainable, loving themselves and one another, respect one another, giving way to one another, ultimately loving God, is my dream. This distorted community, society, city, country, world is far from my ideal. It is disturbing, corrupting, and disgusting. Would it help if I move to another place, so I would hide myself from all the troubles in the world? Or saying that, ‘I can’t do anything anyway, so better avoid everything while I can: runaway.’ What does God says? He is saying that we are sinful, we are helpless to ourselves, we couldn’t save ourselves, we just keep sinning and digging graves for our own, not just that, walking a path that leads to destruction, a total mess! In a world without God there is no such thing as love, joy, peace, beauty, because the further away we are from God, the more unfamiliar we are with those concepts, because He is the only source, only He is Holy.

I believe God is able, and He is working. I want to participate in the work in which He is doing, I don’t know what will it be like, I don’t know what exactly He is doing, I don’t know how many people are involved. But I know, if I want to fulfil my dream, He is the only way, truth, and life, and apart from following Him there is no other way.

Lord, I am here, ready to be used by you. I am an untrained athlete, a new soldier, weak and helpless. But I have a heart to serve You, even though I don’t know how. I want to involve in a fellowship that loves you, seeks to glorify you, humbling themselves to learn your truth, and putting you as the centre, above all else. I want to involve, take part in something meaningful. May the days of serving you cheerfully, hunger for your word, praying for one another, having fun together, may those days come back to me, and blessing those who never experience all that before – the joy of truly knowing you, the joy of loving one another, the joy of proclaiming the Truth.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18

Just need Jesus

Who will give me a chance? Where do I belong to? Who will accept me? Sometimes I wish I just vanish and no one will know and remember me anymore. I am lost for too long. I forgot how to communicate with people, I forgot how to tolerate, I forgot how to write an article, a cv, or a cover letter, I forgot how to introduce myself, I forgot who I am. Who knows me? Who remembers me? Who will help me? Who will give me a chance? I lost my strength, I lost myself.

I just need a little bit more compassion, I just need a little bit more support, I just need someone to pray for me, I just need a little encouragement, I just need a little reminder, I just need someone who cares, I just need a little bit more understanding, I just need a friend, I just need Jesus.

The world will not be better, but the world will be renewed.

The world would be better if we look after each other interests instead of our own.
The world would be better if we look after the natural environment by sustainable living.
The world would be better if we treat animals properly.
The world would be better if we are honest and humble.
The world would be better if we look after ourselves by eating right and exercise.
The world would be better if we can share our transport.
The world would be better if we open our houses for strangers
The world would be better if we say thank you and please.
The world would be better if we always smile.
The world would be better if we don’t indulge.
The world would be better if we have common hopes and dreams.
The world would be better if we have love.
The world will never be better.
But the world will be renewed, and only the people who love and obey God will be chosen to live there.
I hope I am one of them, waiting for the arrival of that day, while groaning in this fallen world.

Lost

I don’t know what scares me, maybe life in general. I feel like a boat floating in the middle of the ocean, losing it’s direction, have no where to go, no where for support. I tried to escape, to chase my nomadic dream, but I end up here again, facing the realities of life. I don’t know why I have so much fear towards a career. I’m afraid I will lose my freedom, I’m afraid being rejected, I’m afraid of failure, afraid of disappointment. I have no confidence in myself at all, I can’t remember anything I learnt from uni, I don’t have confidence to speak, I can’t speak fluent English, neither Malay or Mandarin. I don’t have money for further education, my results are too bad for scholarships. I don’t have any connection, not belong to any organisation or society. I’m a loner, belongs to no where. I don’t have friends here, feeling infamiliar about everything in Malaysia. What should I do? Where should I go? Here I am being lost again in life. God I pray you open a door for me, pray that you lead me to the place you want me to go, pray that you put the right people in my life. Help me to submit the burdens to you, help me to discern your voice, help me to obey you, help me to fulfil your purpose. I’m desperate for you.

Sustainable living

We are responsible to look after the planet that God has created for us. I found a brilliant website about sustainable living.

KL again

Finally I’m back at home in KL. Feels weird, it’s like being awaken from a beautiful dream, coming back to the reality. Truly New Zealand was like a paradise, I experienced many important events of my life there and she changed my ‘Weltanschauung’ (worldview in German, according to Krissy this word is more appropriate in my situational context). I miss New Zealand, I really do.

Now I’m bit struggling everything I’m facing: life in KL in general. Equality and freedom in New Zealand are things that I long for in Malaysia. I feel somehow restrained, even though I have a lot more freedom in terms of spending and opportunities in life. I grieve for the people in Malaysia, and Asia, and people around the world. For the things they do to each other, or lack for each other, for the injustice, materialism, consumerism, spiritual bondages etc. I wish I can do something, but now I can just pray.

More Gold Coast photos

Aboriginal Dance Show (the live didgeridoo performance was fabulous!)

My baby she was so cute!

Surfers Beach Cinema

I held the snake on my shoulders!

Great polar bears, they so cuddly wish I could cuddle but I don't want to be torn apart!

Gold Coast Visit

I am having a great time in Gold Coast, especially have my best friend live here and showing me around, couldn't be better than this. :)

Firstly visit the Q1 building, the highest residential tower in the world, 20th highest building, overlooked the whole Gold Coast area. After that we watched Ratatoiulle on Surfer's beach under the full bright moonlight. Done some shopping, not much. Yesterday went to Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary, hugged the koala, fed the kangaroos, ride the camel, hold the snake and baby crocodile. Today I went to Seaworld, saw polar bears, dugong, sharks and awesome dolphins, seals and water ski shows. Also, I challenged myself with all the rides, including corkscrew rollercoaster and pirate ship! The rollercoaster was OK but the pirate ship was less desirable, I closed my eyes almost the whole ride, it was so scary, I swear I never want to do it again.

Q1 Building

Surfers beach

Metermaids! (they put coins in people's parking meters)

Camel ride with James

Feeding the roo

I'm in Gold Coast but I miss NZ already!

Well, I was a little bit disappointed when I saw Brisbane, so many people in the airport that almost suffocates me, and there are ugly parts of the city. But it's nice to meet up with my old friend from uni again, looking forward to everything that I will be doing here. :)

Whales

"Little Nick"

"Tiake"

Albatross was flying too fast

Does the sperm whale needs to slow down or us?