If only

If only you would never say what you said
If only you would never give up
If only you would submit everything to God and pray to Him
If only you would wait
If only you would cool down and listen to your heart
If only you would know what you have missed out
If only you would know what can make you happy
If only you would do as what you said
If only you know who loved you the most
If only you would come back
If only you would try your best
If only I have your heart
If only there is a second chance
If only…

There is no if only
Only it is happened
Only a fact
Only a past
Only a once upon a time
Only me and myself, and God, and my life
Only option is to move on, choose to be happy, choose to let go

I believe I have a better future
I believe my life is worth living
I believe singleness is a gift from God
I believe He loves me
I believe He died on the cross
His blood has washed away my sin
I believe He accepted me as His own
By His grace and mercy
I believe He is coming
Revealing Himself as the King of Glory
I believe I will never be disappointed
I will be forever happy
Eternally…

Had a busy weekend, but everything was worth it. Firstly, it was my birthday on 21st, last Thursday. I decided, and I did climbed up to Mt Luxmore which is across the lake Te Anau. I took a water taxi across the lake, walked up for almost 3 hours, and walked all the way back to town. The whole trip was about 8-9 hours. My legs and muscles were so sore, but it was all worth it because the scenery on the mountain was so beautiful, and I felt so good for did it all by myself. There was only one thought in my mind: keep going, for He cares for you, think of the scenery up there.

The next day I went to Dunedin, Wellington, and Palmerston North. Met up with a friend in Dunedin, enjoyed it and appreciated the friendship, and had a great time in Palmerston North. The reason I went up was because of the wedding. The best wedding I’ve ever attend, for the love of Christ, love of people, love between two people was so evident. No matter I am going to be single or not in this life, there will be a wedding awaits for me.

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
My soul shall exult in my God,
For he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
He has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
So the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to sprout up before all nations.

Isaiah 61:10-11


I was and still am physically tired. But there is a gentle force that is working within me, I realised I am changing. The bitterness in me has slowly vanishing, the seed of joy is growing. Things can’t be changed in one or two days, but God’s power in working in me. I still miss him, still look back occasionally, but I choose to enjoy and appreciate life at the moment, for it is redeemed by the precious blood of Jesus Christ.

A quote from Wen Li:

The one who makes you cry do not deserve your tears, the one who deserves your tears won’t make you cry.

Thoughts from myself:

No one likes to be with a person who is always mourn and bitter. Therefore I ought to be happy and joyful, for there is no reason I can’t be happy. For I have God, I have life, and life to the full (John 10:10).

Time will past, things will change, pain will be healed, joy will come.

Thoughts of life

Gutted the previous post that I typed out was all gone and it saved automatically after I accidentally erased the whole lot. Thought it was a good one… Oh well…

Just said that I gained a lot of insights from my experience here in Te Anau. Firstly is the importance of companion, no matter it is a partner, a family member, a workmate, or a friend. It is impossible to live by myself, without involving anyone in my life, it is impossible. I simply could not enjoy life by not sharing with another person. Thank God I have a few good workmates, my host family, a church lady who is so kind, warm and friendly, and nice church people. What more should I ask for? I have a reasonably good job and pay, nice place to stay, stunning views of mountains, sky, and lake everyday. A simple life, which I always been looking for, actually, this is the life that I have been looking for, although it would be more perfect if someone could experience it with me, but I should be content with what I have and what I am experiencing at the moment. For a temporal life in this broken world, this is the best way I could live, maybe. I am free from pleasing people, free from live up to people’s expectations, free from commitments apart from work, free from hurting other people, free from worries about money, free to be me. It could be lonely at times, but it is simple life, simple as it is, having time and heart for God alone.

I realised that, trying to live a life without God is in vain. No matter how much money you have, how much time or possibility you have to satisfy your cravings and desires, you will never satisfy the vacuum in your heart that is meant to be filled by God. You will never find fulfilment in this fallen world, even you have greatest dreams and ambitions, without God in the picture. When you reach there, you will say, is this all it is? This is not enough, I want more. You will crave for more, and you will never be content. Until one day you realised what you trying to do is all in vain, for everything will pass away, then you will turn back to God, and realised how much you have wasted your life, how many people who loved you you have hurted, how much things you could have done but never do. You would wish if only you could turn back time and start it all over again, but it’s too late. The only hope you can find is Jesus, through His blood you could have the second chance, to live life to the full.

Joy

Worked today, was very busy. Broke a full bottle of red wine and spilled them all over myself in front of everyone. Legs were sore, feet was sore, full of blisters and corn. Physically tired. Even though, I have a strange feeling of happiness, I could not feel sad or distressed at all even I thought I would. It is strange, and somehow I know it's from God. I was thinking back of what had been happening, I do not feel sad anymore, even I think about it, I can smile. I knew I did everything that I could and I should, I have a clear conscience. I knew it was God, it was the Holy Spirit, who comforts me and heals me. It is Jesus Christ, who has forgiven my sins and set me free. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, I have a reason to live, and an eternal hope to look forward to. He is my closest friend. I lost a loved one, but I am much more closer to God, someone who deserves all my love and devotion. Thank you Lord, for being so wonderful to me.

I'm so looking forward to go home, to continue a my life over there. I am going to see a good friend in Gold Coast, and then go back to Kuching, my hometown, which I never been back since 2004. Going back to Palmy end of the month for a wedding. Wow so many things to look forward to, I am so excited. Can't imagine I'm going to have rojak, kolo mee, wantan mee, bak kut teh, roti canai, nasi lemak, curry chicken... etc everyday!

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.

I have received great love and comfort from God. He is always faithful and his healing power and comfort is real as I read and meditate upon His Word. He sets me free, so I'm not in bondage of the past. He heals my wound, so I am able to freely receive and give love again. He gives me rest and peace, so my strength is renewed day after day. Great is thy faithfulness.

Happy Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrates it. Share the love and joy to the people who might need it in your community. Treasure the time you spend with family and/or friends.

Ecclesiastes 3:12-13
Be joyful and do good as long as you live, also everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil - this is God's gift to man.

Moving on

I knew it’s not coming back anymore, and I fully understand that we can never be together. When I was involved in that relationship, I could not devote my heart to God but swayed away from Him no matter how much I consciously forcing myself to be depending on God, not him. But now I rejoice, although through painful discipline, God lovingly drew me back to Himself, He is the one who truly loves and accepted and understood me. The One who is faithful and His love will never change. This verse kept coming up to me:

Philipians 3:13-14 forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize pf the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I need to let go, and move on. Being obedient to His calling and continue to love him and his people.

I give thanks for:

- friendly, caring workmates.
- Bruce and his two daughters who are so welcoming and friendly for me to stay in their house.
- Beverly, a church lady who so faithful and caring and welcoming to me all the time.
- Te Anau Baptist Church: Bible saturated, God-centred, and Christ exalted. Good fellowship.
- Te Anau- beautiful surroundings and landscape. Nice weather.
- All my friends in Palmerston North especially OCF who faithfully supported me during times of crisis.
- My beloved family, who always so supportive and faithful.
- Ability to work and support myself.
- Boss who listens and a job which pays well and enjoyable.

Pray for:

- Healing and comfort of pain, renewation of the Spirit, and readiness to move on.
- Maintain friendship with Scott and his family.
- Being a good witness and sharing the gospel to the community which is so deprived of you.
- Openness of the heart of the people who did not know you.
- Growth and maturity in knowledge of God.
- Able to receive God’s love, grace, and mercy, and able to extend them to the world of spiritual poverty.
- Find my confidence and identity in Christ.
- Put my faith, hope, and love in God, submission to God alone, above all, and be independent.
- Love God with all my heart, mind, strength, and might.
- Joy in the heart, positive outlook in life of serving God, peace and rest.
- Humility and obedience to God’s Word.

Rejuvenating

There is always a way out to all difficult situations. I met a guy from Norway today, realised that my passion is always there for Europe and Norway. I am kind of ready to move on, ready to let go whatever is behind and holding me back. I want to be free again, pursuing my dreams and ambitions. I want to be myself, to show the qualities and gifts that God has put in me. I want to fully enjoy and appreciate my youth and singleness, devoting my heart fully to God and serve other people. Maybe I will, maybe never, will find anyone who will really appreciates me for who i really am. Process of changing and renewing is painful, it takes time to heal, but I believe by the divine healing power of the grace of Christ I will stand up again.

Heartbreak

Is there still love in this world? Even there is, it doesn't belong to me. Again, my heart is broken into pieces. I don't know is there anymore hurtful thing than saying "I never loved you" by someone you thought who loved you. My mind is trying to rationalise everything but the wound is still there, laying open and bleeding. I have never felt being so forsaken in my life. I only have God now and I believe that He will never want to break my heart. Why is it so hard to rejoice? It is a command but why can I never do it and let down people around me? I feel like a parasite that sucks everyone's joy and peace and maybe I should disappear forever. Why is it so hard to be a Christian? If God is so powerful why he has to make it so hard? The reality of adult life is more cruel than I can ever thought. I thought there must be someone there comfort me when I am sad, tolerate my bad tempers, always love and accept me no matter what I've done, like my parents do. In fact no one will love me more than my parents do, apart from God. I am tricking myself, fooling myself that there must be someone out there will able to truly love me. I sound like a loser now, I thought when someone says this they sounded stupid for me why would they be sad and now I'm feeling this way, like everyone else. I am no different than an average person, my heart still breaks, my strength still fails.

Just a little change

Life isn't as miserable as I thought. As persisted to give my Sunday mornings to God, God has give me a lot of surprises. He is good indeed, an He will never disappoint me. I knew a few people from church, and they are very friendly. The two brothers reminded me of the twin brothers of Ron Weasley in Harry Potter, because they are always funny and full of tricks. As I thought I don't have any friends here and no one would go to explore the place with me, they offered to take me and other 2 Brazilian sisters to Mt Luxmore at the Sunday after next week! Oh how good if everything works out. This is what I've always been wanted. God is good, and he has the best plans. He does cares for every individual, as today's service is about creation and how God creates and take cares for the creation, it is so wonderful.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well. Ps 139:14

If God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Matt 6:30

Look at the place around me, if the earth is so stunningly beautiful, how much more wonderful and glorious Heaven will be?

Breakdown

Why things always turned up this way? Why there is always fault in everything? Why plans never work out? Came to Te Anau, I have a lot of struggles. Trying to look at the positive sides, but it's too hard. I learnt a lot of new things, and earned more money than before. For the first time i can afford a full airticket to go home and even australia on the way. However there's a price to pay. Thought I could spend more time with Scott if I come here, thought I could see him more often. But it turns out the other way round. The first few weeks were sweet, things were fine and he was here helping me to settle down. However everything changes when he starts milking. He starts at 5.30am every morning till about 9am and milk again at 2pm till 6pm. I start at 8am almost everyday, have a wee break in the afternoon, and finish at about 10pm. I only have a day off in a week, and Scott works everyday, that means we can hardly see each other again, or even talk on the phone, even time we could text is limited. Last night I came home early at 9pm, happily thought that we could talk on the phone, but he was at his ex-girlfriend's house watching movie! Imagine how disappointed I was. Tonight I thought we could talk, I tried to finish as soon as I can but it was so busy that I worked ten hours today and only get to finish at about 10:30pm and realised he had gone to sleep 10 minutes ago. I got an emotional breakdown, why could this happen?

Basically I don't have a life, I worked 6 days a week the only day off I couldn't do anything except staying at home catch up with my dishes and washings. I don't have friends outside work, don't have anyone to hang out or watch movie with. Wanted to explore the environment and go for a tramp even a short walk but I don't have that extra energy. I can't go to see Scott because the bus goes there in the morning and comes back in the afternoon. Went to his house last week but he was busy with his assignments and milking. I know my life shouldn't evolve around him, I tried to go near God, I tried spend time with God everyday, I read the bible, I read Christian books, I listen to sermons... But I still feel very lonely, I couldn't help it. Last thing I could do is trying to get to go to church every Sunday morning even I am always being rostered on Sunday mornings... This is the only thing I could not compromise.

The only thing I could look forward is going to Aussie and then home at the end of March. I don't know how long will my relationship with Scott last? It is a tough time and test for us. I don't know... I'm tired.

New Update

Sorry I have not been updating this blog since ages ago. My life is still under constant change, facing a lot of new challenges and possibilities. I came to work in Te Anau, a small town situated in Fiordland, close to the world famous Milford Sound and Queenstown. I enjoy this town, although it was a bit too much for me to work during the first two weeks (I worked more than 50 hours a week because of Christmas and New Year). Now it’s getting better, I start enjoying my work.

It is humbling sometimes for me to work as a waitress and bar person when I hold a university degree. But I never stop reminding myself, I come here for ‘holiday’, for a rest at heart, to stop stressing out too much about the future and the present. I do not know if I have achieved my purpose, but Te Anau is a good location, away from big cities and everything that I familiar with. I love the lake and the mountains, the sky is always beautiful, and people are nice. I met people at work from Czech Republic, Germany, Scotland, Australia, and of course Kiwis. Some of us even went to countdown and dance at the Lions Park and watched beautiful fireworks together. It was a good time, sadly three people had left work this week for further travelling.

I had my first pure Kiwi Christmas at a farm near Riverton and Invercargill, with my boyfriend Scott’s family and extended family. It was a wonderful experience, their warmth and friendliness made me feel at home. However, it would be better if they know the real meaning of Christmas, and give the glory to God.

Scott and I spent some quality time together, we explored Te Anau by visiting the wildlife centre, a small (not worth it) trout observatory, fun mini golf, scenic drive on Milford road to Eglinton valley, and sitting by the lake. We went to Queenstown last Friday on my first day off since work (apart from Christmas day), went to adventurous Skippers Canyon, witnessing the place where Arwen ride the horse across the river in Lord of The Rings, Arrowtown, Crown Range lookout and shopping (of course)! Had a most beautiful Thai food I had in New Zealand (maybe because I have been deprived for Asian food too long here), we had Singha Thai beer (reminds me of my dad), Thai coconut, tom yum, and red curried scallops (they were as big as my palms)! Queenstown is magical, always make you feel like on holiday, and surrounded by foreign people and foreign languages. I feel so blessed by staying so near to it.

Southland farmview towards Stewart Island

Te Anau sky

Skippers Canyon

So much to share since I haven’t been updating my blog, will stop here and share more about my work next time.

So you think you are clean?

I felt very dirty after doing the cleaning job yesterday. The whole night I can't stop thinking that my pair of hands, which make great coffees, play piano, draw paintings, and wash toilets? wipe dirty window seals? It was disturbing for me, don't know why, I could not get over it. How would my arrogant fussy coffee drinker customers think if they know I am a cleaner as well?

Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of a bible passage about Jesus did not wash (his hands I suppose?) before eat dinner with the Pharisees:

Luke 11:37-46

While Jesus was speaking, a Pharisee asked him to dine with him, so he went in and reclined at the table. The Pharisee was astonished to see that he did not first wash before dinner. And the Lord said to him, "Now you Pharisees cleanse the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also? But give as alms those things that are within, and behold, everything is clean for you."

"But woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and every herb, and neglect justice an the love of God. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. Woe to you Pharisees! For you love the best seat in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces. Woe to you! For you are like unmarked graves, and people walk over them without knowing it."
One of the lawyers answered him, "Teacher, in saying these things you insult us also." And he said, "Woe to you lawyers also! For you load people with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.

And the passage goes on...

I was touched when I see how Jesus reacted (not because he did not wash his hands of course, I always wash my hands). Jesus did not look at the outside, it meant nothing for him whether I am physically clean or not, he looks into my heart. Jesus was rebuking the Pharisees of their filthiness in their hearts, which full of greed and wickedness. Jesus said "You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also?", I guess he was saying that physically cleaniness of the outside does not make the inside clean. Conversely, the filthiness inside a person's hearts will make the whole person unclean as well. I just like the tone that Jesus used, he was so strong and not looking after the "face" of the Pharisees and the lawyers at all.

The reason I put the little lawyers paragraph there because some of my customers are lawyers (modern lawyers different than the lawyers in the bible of course). I do not like particularly one of them because he is always rude and arrogant and thinks himself is so superior. Modern lawyers suppose to help people and bring justice, but I just cannot imagine how can he bring justice if he himself is so arrogant. I just love the way Jesus insulted the lawyers in this passage.

Jesus also said, "But give as alms those things that are within, and behold, everything is clean for you." He meant giving away the food within the cup and dish to the poor. A person is cleansed by his good action, which comes from a clean heart.

Therefore I rejoiced, my actions came from a good conscience. I earn my living with my pair of hands so I do not have to depend on anyone. I clean the places so that people would have a clean environment to live in. There is no reason for me to feel sad or lowly, because God is with me. "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?... Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" Hebrews 13:5-8.

Humbling work experience

Today is another humbling experience for me. I was called in to work in the afternoon by my cleaning company boss. I did not know where I was suppose to go to work, but just follow my boss. Then I reached a large fruits and vegetables distribution centre just out of town. The place was absolutely filthy, even my previous house in Malaysia was quite dirty but nothing like that. Boss was helping me cleaning even he was wearing his suit and patiently told me what to do, I really respect him and the way his treat his business. But the place was dirty! Window seals were covered with thick layer of dust and floors are black. Just to mop the floors I had to change the water for 3 times! I had to clean the toilets, mop floors and stairs, vacuum, wipe all the tables and window seals/frames... I was a bit traumatised, by the workload and the filthiness. It is a lesson for me, it humbles me. Other than tired I was surprised I did not feel depressed at all, there is still joy in my heart because what God had taught me last night. :)

Encouragement from God

I challenged myself again with a cup of cappuccino with lunch yesterday at work, therefore I could not sleep until early in the morning. I was wide awake but surprisingly not tired (because I took my newly bought ginkgo pills, multivitamin, and omega 3 fish oil at the same time before sleep). I did not know what to do after tried to sleep for a few times, so I read the bible especially the passage that keep popping up: on Sunday church sermon, monday quiet time and tuesday email sent by a friend.

Phillipians chapter 3:7-4:14

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like hiim in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Straining Toward the Goal

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one things I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I meditated on the passage again and again, then I prayed. Firstly, forgetting what lies behind: past failures, traumatic experiences, hurts, rejections, disappointments, guilt... I forgave all the people or ''things''(such as unfair society and NZ immigration) whom hurted me and made my life hard. I forgave family and friends whom does not seem to understand and care about me... and so much more. I gave thanks to God, for the good things and bad things that happened to me. Finally I forgave myself, but not being good enough and failed to glorify God. Secondly, I look forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. So what exactly is this "prize"?

Ephesians 1:3-14

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his wil, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

It was not an easy passage to digest on, but I found a few things to be ''bulleted points" on, my understanding of the spiritual blessings here are:

• to be holy and blameless
• adoption as daughter/son through Jesus Christ
• redemption through his blood
• forgiveness of our trespasses
• to know the mystery of his will

• all together is an INHERITANCE
• the Holy Spirit is the guarantee

This passage emphasizes predestined, according to his will, so it is God's will that determines that I will have the inheritance or not, not that I can obtain it by my own will and/or effort. Therefore it further proves that I am blessed, I am loved, and I am special not because what I've done, but because God has chosen me.

Thank God for speak to me once again and renewed my mind and attitude. He is indeed faithful and abound in steadfast love. May all praise and glory be to God forever and ever. Amen.

Update...

It has been 3 months since I graduated from Massey. I am more comfortable and emotionally stable than I was at the last few months. Even though the situation is still the same, I am coping better now with the uncertainty and loneliness that I am experiencing outside uni. Also, I started to accept the fact that everything is changed, and I need to move on, whether I like it or not. I can choose to go on escaping from the reality, or face it, and make a change. I started dreaming, dream about all the possibilities that I have in life ahead. Started to feel excited about the future, turning uncertainties to possibilities. I am working at a cafe, perfecting my coffee making skills and keep challenging myself to a higher level of professionalism.

Most of the time I stay in my flat, last week I tried to spend some time outside my flat other than working and church time, therefore I went to the city library. Although it was good weather but my day was ruined after got frightened by a stranger followed me for a long distance. So now I just stay at flat, in my room most of the time.

Many thoughts go through my head. The passion in my heart starts burning again, I applied for a few job positions, and can't stop thinking about the possibilities if I get any of the jobs. I would like to do anything that is being put in front of me right now, I just don't want to stay at the same place anymore.

But I still dreaming about going to Europe and South Island again, I like being a tourist. I want to meet more new friends. I want to change my image, buy a few clothes and change a hairstyle, I want to be different. But does that guarantee I will be satisfied? Most likely not. I want something that I don't know about, something that I might had before, or never have before. I know the answer is only found in God, and it is God. Maybe, I will never get satisfied in my whole life until the day I departed from this world and reunite with God again. But at least, I still need friends and families, people who actually love me, care about me, interested in me, and want to spend more time with me. Somehow, even I have friends and families, I still feel lonely, relationship with people is never the same anymore. As a kid I never have this feeling before, I never know it can be so lonely to be an adult. In fact, I never like the idea of being an adult.

Once again I turn to Jesus, my faithful Lord and friend, always there beside me, watching from above, and living within my heart. I will fight, even my faith is little and fragile, I just need to keep holding to His promise.

I tried

I just hope somebody can understand me. I really do want to apply for jobs, but I can’t. My right ear is ringing badly, and am having a persistent headache that never goes away even with Panadol. I sleep and find it hard to wake up in the morning. I tried to do exercise but I don’t have the energy. I couldn’t concentrate or motivate myself to do anything. I am tired and cold all the time. I tried to improve the situation, I do. I prayed so hard that I could be restored again and put full energy into life. In fact, I can’t. I guessed is the high level of stress hormone in my body caused hormone imbalance and bad circulation and even maybe neurodegeneration. I can’t remember most of the things, or just remember fragments, or pieces of memories, not even anything that I learnt from uni. I always left my things somewhere, just left my wallet in Wellington 2 weeks ago. I could not socialise, can’t stand loud music, it makes me headache. Every attempt I had to write a CV I get migraine attack. I don’t have health insurance, I don’t have money. I stayed up late every night because calling home after 12am is cheaper, I tried to call them, but I always gave up in the end. I want to ask for money, to pay off credit card debts and buy insurance so that I can seek medical help, but I can’t ask them, I am too ashamed. I tried, I really tried to build up my life, but I can’t, I really can’t, why don’t you believe me?

Her

I brush her teeth every morning I wake up
I decide what clothes for her to wear before she goes out
I feed her when she is hungry
But who is she?

I could not recognise her
I see her in the mirror everyday
But I do not know what is in her mind

I want to make her happy
I tried everything I can
But that is not something that I am able to do

Somebody else has to do it
maybe she knows that somebody, maybe she doesn't know
I wish that somebody, who loves her
can make her happy

Lost

Once I grasped it
now I lost it
trying to find it again
even realising that am looking for it at the wrong place
even knowing You are the source
but am powerless to pursue it

I beg You, with my last bit of energy
please, draw me close to You
let me know You again
so that I can have it again