Some updates

After sitting at home for 'n' days today I managed to meet up with couple of high school mates. Good times watching movie, eating together and sharing each other's stories and recalling high school life. Small surprises such as exchanging souvenirs bought from foreign countries, reading high school class magazine... like going back to the time where we were still young and innocent, even can't bear to read the message I wrote to my friend during high school! However, the sad news was that one of my classmate died of leukemia a few years ago. He wasn't my best friend, but we were in the same class for a few years, and we sat next to each other, always quarrel but sometimes we talked in peace like friends. It's just hard to accept the fact that he is gone, reminding me of how fragile life is.

I wish I can socialise more in Kuala Lumpur. One of the biggest reason I want to stay here is that there are people whom I treasure never heard about Gospel. I want them to know, I want them to enjoy the privilege of knowing God and enjoying Him forever... I don't know the easy way, and it seems that I keep failing it, but I'm sure one day He will use me.

I'm having some emotional moments now, missing my friends all over the world, mainly New Zealand, Singapore, and some in Indonesia, the Netherlands, China, USA, Australia, London, Norway, Japan... I shared about New Zealand with my friends today, realising how much I miss the life in New Zealand, especially Palmy and Te Anau. Still feeling the leftover pain of leaving NZ, even after almost 2 years now, yet I can't bear to leave here again. I'm love Asia, I feel I'm belong here.

Am looking forward to the trip to Vietnam next month, experiencing more Asia. Yes, there are inequalities, frauds, scams and corruptions everywhere in South East Asia, but there are also sincere friendships, irreplacable cultural heritage, nourishing delicacies, and... life dynamics. Things are just interesting, seeing how different people striving to survive in their own places in their own ways...

I learnt that I'm not too much different from everyone else here, there are many people same age as me likes to travel, hiking, learning to use DSLR, working holiday and having trouble looking for their ideal job. Maybe this is the generation Y, where we need fun constantly, get bored easily, impatient, independent and insecure.

At this moment I wished I'm in Singapore, hang out with my friends, eating nice soto down the street, or watching a nice jazz performance, accompanied by a good wine and some cheese... hehe

No reply from job application to Vietnam yet, so am constantly checking local job sites. Two options: 1. Freelancer, taking projects/contract work like conduct food and nutrition training and consultancy, maybe do some network marketing as part time, and actively serve the new church ministry. 2. Find a job and go back to work in Singapore. Which one is better? I don't know. Unrealistic options such as serving full time in ministry, or working for NGO, or professional nutrition company in KL are ideal, if anything will happen.

May the Lord take charge of my life and stops me from wasting my life further. May I carry the cross and live up the purpose given by Him daily. May His love sustains me and strengthens me during weak times. May He bless my friends and family especially those who yet believe in Him. Amen.

KL-Bandung-Singapore

It has been a while since I last blog, therefore I hope my writing isn't too bad here. Last Thursday 5/11 I went to Bandung, Indonesia to attend a wedding. I was annoyed at first on Thursday morning, because Air Asia has re-scheduled my pre-booked flight from 9am to 8:30pm, therefore I lost a day in Bandung. Since I have known this bunch of Indonesian friends, mainly from Bandung in Singapore, I always wanted to visit their hometown. They are so proud of their food, weather, culture, factory outlets etc. It was a pleasant visit, had a lot of surprises and amazement, only not having enough time to visit more places in Bandung. Bandung airport was small, reminds me of Palmerston North International Airport, first thing I realised was the cooling yet not too cold breeze when stepped out from the aircraft, I knew I'll love the weather, and everything else. They dragged my luggage, and custom officer requested to open and search my suitcase, so I did, thank God everything went well. The crowd cramps the arrival exit, then I saw a familiar face among them, my friend and her brother came to pick me up. Another impression of Bandung is that there is lack of lighting at night, it's darker compared to KL and Singapore, yet I liked the lower light condition in which reduces light pollution/noise. Didn't have dinner before I board the plane, so we went to hypersquare food court to grab some local delicacies: Sate, Otak-otak, lumpia, pempek...

and a fresh squeeze of fruit punch. Had some trouble looking for the place I stay initially, but was overwhelmingly pleased by the beautiful spacious house which I was staying in, don't forget to mention two friendly and super helpful embak.

Second day morning, I met the grandma in the house. She was a bit shy at first but since I can speak in Mandarin we started talking in Mandarin about our lives and our countries. The older generation of Chinese Indonesian still can speak some Chinese, mainly Hokkien and Mandarin, yet due to government's effort of ridding Chinese culture in Indonesia, they were forced to changed their names to Indonesian names, speaking Indonesian, and not allowed to celebrate Chinese festivals. Therefore, to the friends at my age, I usually speak English and slowly learn to understand and speak Indo.

After my friend's dad came to pick me up, we went to the salon (as I requested cos I never cut my hair since June/July!). It was a flash salon recommended by my friend's mum. I didn't really used to the luxury but since I was there I told myself just to enjoy as much as I can! Normally I only spend minimum on haircut, usually just cut, no wash, treatment or blow dry. Yet this time they did all to me! I liked the boss's and her staff's way of doing things "seriously" or "perfectly" even took longer time, unlike the hairdressers I experienced in Malaysia had mediocre attitude. I was feeling bad letting everyone waiting for me though, I thought just a quick haircut... Even things didn't turned out as I expected, the haircut was great, I had problem communicate with the staff since I don't speak Indo, so I just totally "put my head into their hands", let them do whatever they think is nice.

Shopping was great in Bandung, I couldn't see why it can't be famous of factory outlet shopping. Almost everywhere in Bandung you can see factory outlets selling clothings, bags and accessories. I thought it's just "normal" brand like Giordano or Hang Ten sort of level, but I was surprise to see Armani, Burberry, Gucci, Guess, CK, Zara, MNG, Roxy... all sorts of fancy brands you just name it! Price of clothings ranges from about 50 000 to 200 000 rupiah (SGD5-30 roughly!) , compared to SGD50-200 in Singapore shops those were considered very cheap. Loved the patterns too, can't really get those in KL. So I spent about 1 million within couple of hours in Jalan Riau!

Another feature in Bandung is Chihampelas Walk, with plenty brand/trademark infringements along the street, it's just interesting, like Movie World! You can see Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Ironman, Rambo, Tarzan, Aladdin... on the shops, nice! Too bad we didn't have enough time to really walk the street. We had Sundanese food for "lunner" just opposite Novotel. It was challenging to cross the four lanes road with constant moving cars and motorbikes, one thing we need to do is to raise our arms and stop the car from hitting ourselves. It was the first time I had tried Sundanese food, they ordered some rice with various small dishes like chicken, beef lungs, mushroom, lele (catfish) and lots of fresh leafy greens! I reckon it was the best meal I had in Bandung, eating with fingers just make everything tastes better.

Evening we had dinner at Sierra Cafe with a nice view of whole Bandung from hilltop. Nice ambience with live singers, great food mainly Western like steak but also include local food like Balinese rice set. Cool breeze, candlelight, nice music, great view, awesome crowd. :)

Saturday was the wedding day, therefore pretty much no time for sightseeing or shopping. In the morning we had choir practice for the holy matrimony ceremony and Sunday service. We had authentic Indonesian lunch at Micasa, tried Balinese chicken, tahu opor, gado gado, coconut, chendol, alpukat (avocado) dessert...

At 1pm was the lovely wedding service in a medium size church. It was a simple yet grand, God honoring yet heart warming wedding. Nice to see the bride whom I never saw since she left Singapore few months ago, then first time meeting the groom. I agreed with my friend saying that without a church wedding, without honoring God in marriage, it's like an incomplete wedding, missing out something most important...

Then we went for the reception at night, and church service on Sunday morning, my first choir performance. On Sunday I flew back with most of the friends who need to go back to work on Monday in Singapore. Went for a wonderful concert by Vienna Boys Choir in Esplanade on Sunday evening. A weekend full with musicals and parties, I will always remember those joyful moments, because they give me strength to carry on and move on in life.

Quarterlife crisis

人生苦短 Early mid life crisis

我的人生，难道在23岁就结束了吗？明年就24了，人生还是一无所成。当年迷信自己的实力，相信自己一定会有个成功的人生。今年还没，也许时机未到，等明年吧，这样年复一年，才发现自己又回到当初的原点，裹足不前。打拼好吗？自己的努力一定会得到回馈吗？付出好吗？一定会有收获吗？成功好吗？成功不会有失败的一天吗？只有为神而活，才不会白费宝贵的人生。然而，神的旨意为何呢？倘若神让我有选择，我选择什么呢？我宁愿自己没有选择，但实在不想再受到欺负，可世态炎凉，人心险恶，我能相信谁呢？谁会珍惜我的真心呢？不想和人斗，也无力与人斗，所以自己仍然躲在家里，远离伤害。我也许不能成功，但我能把风险降到最低。可这又有什么意义呢？

Will my life end in year 23? I'll be 24 next year, yet I achieved nothing. I believed in my capabilities, I believed that I can be a successful person and have a great life in earlier time. If not this year, perhaps next year I'll do something incredible. Year after year, life is still the same. Nothing has been done, I returned to the beginning, point of zero. Will my hardwork definitely be rewarded? Will my givings be returned? Will failure never come after success? I knew that to not waste life is to live for God. But what does God wants me to do? If God has given me freedom of choices, what should I choose? Sometimes I rather have no choice, yet I'm tired of competitions, cause the world is a jungle, the arena to fight for survival. Therefore I'm still sitting at home, away from harm. Perhaps I will never succeed, but I can minimise the risk, but is there any meaning to any of these?

I love my hummus

I always wanted to make my own hummus, because it is not easy to get here and the imported ones are quite expensive. After gathering my basic ingredients, yesterday I finally put my thoughts into action. It is so yummy having it with prata or any bread. The following are my ingredients:

Dried chickpeas (Soaked overnight and boiled in water with a pinch of salt for over 1 hour)

Few cloves of garlic

Fresh lime juice (can't find lemon)

Salt and Pepper

Olive oil

Another variation was added

Black Sesame Powder (got it from Daiso, cheaper than tahini)

Dried parsley

Blend the ingredients together with some water (I use the one from boiling chickpeas to optimise the nutrition). :)

The 'real' hummus includes lemon juice, tahini, and some cumin or paprika.

Can try it at home, it's a healthier substitute for fat or sugar based spreads. Try it with baked pita or baked tortilla chips (I'm yet to try). Enjoy. :)

God is good

Recently I have been trying to calm my emotions and thoughts and review my life and relationship with God and others. It's good that I have been away from home and start thinking on my own. Firstly, I have to be honest that I have not been spending enough quality time with the Lord. Although I struggle every morning whether to do quiet time or not, mostly I either gave into other activities or I simply unable to focus on the Word. I came to Singapore purposely for KKR revival meeting. Deep inside me know strongly that I have to come here because I am no longer discipline enough to go near the Lord. Therefore, I sacrificed the celebration of mid-autumn festival with my parents for this event because I knew the Lord wants me to be here. It's good to see my friends and people from the church again. I feel like a 'prodigal son', that I have not done anything nor offer any kind of physical help towards the success of KKR event, yet they still welcomed me as if I had done something great. I feel much humbled by everyone here, by their devotion and commitment to the Lord's work.

Secondly, I decided to move on. I knew I should not stop at this point for too long because time doesn't wait, I will become old, and I will pass away some day, or the world will fade away. How much time I have on earth to serve the Lord? How much time I have to serve the people I love? How much time I have to contribute to the society and to show the goodness of the Lord? It came to my mind that I should accept the F&B project offered recently and plans and ideas began floating in my mind because this is something I have to contribute to help people and spend time meaningfully.

Thirdly, I need to quiet my heart and identify my sins. I had no courage to face my own problems and fears therefore I looked for something to do and ignored them. Yet it was always there and it bothered me since then. I am very cautious about my travelling dreams as they can be idolised easily and distract me from carrying out God's plans. My excuse was God didn't tell me what to do so I should follow my own ambitions!

Read the book of Phillippians last night, it's always the lesson for me:

to have confidence in God that he who began the good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (1:5),

to live is Christ, to die is gain (1:21),

conduct myself in the manner worthy of the gospel of Christ (1:27),

do nothing out of selfish ambition but in humility consider others better than myself (2:3),

to be humble and obedient like Jesus (2:8), do everything without complaining or arguing (2:14),

Rejoice in the Lord always (4:4)

Think positive: whatever is true, noble, right, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (4:8)

Be content in all circumstances, because it is possible through the Lord who gives me strength (4:12-13)

Remember, the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Then my spiritual door suddenly widened, and I can feel the peace of God channeled into my heart. And the connection with God rebuilt in the quietness of prayer. Joy cannot be found, it can only be enjoyed in knowing God.

Lord, may you rid the pride, self-pity, selfish ambitions, fears and judgments in my heart. You did not gave me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. I must strengthen my weak knees, and lift up my drooping hands, and continue to walk with you, and fight with you. You are always near, never sleep nor slumber, you are all powerful, all knowing and all present. I long to see you with my own eyes, but I do not want to be filled with regrets. Fill me, guide me, lead me, use me, walk beside me, you are the potter, I am the clay. May I take part in your redemption work and enjoy you forever. In Christ's holy name, Amen.

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Gender: Female
Age: 23
Looking for: Travelling companion / volunteering opportunity / mission work / working holiday / short course / interesting job opportunity / a life!
Hobbies: Internet surfing, watch tv, facebook, reading, travelling, daydreaming, arts and crafts, photography, cooking
Status: Unemployed, not under education or training, basically means do nothing.
Wanting: To stop wasting life / make self useful.

Anything welcomed as long as affordable. :)

Knot

How do I explain/demonstrate the reality of God without being sound contradictory to myself? In fact I am always contradicting my belief. I know that God is real, He has been doing wonderful things in my life, and He will do more later. But how do I defend myself when people ask me why I am doing what I am doing now? How do I tell people that greatest joy can only be found in God while I'm not appearing happy to others? How do I recommend a good product for others if I don't enjoy using it myself? My heart is pounding everytime I see or hear people chasing after worldly things in vain, I want to tell them that God loves them and it is the best thing to know God, but what's in my life to prove that God is good? I have faith that God is the best, but I have no faith in myself that I will not ruin the conversation/ the image of God which I portray to others in speech and way of life. I have deep compassion for the people around me who do not know God, I am eager to tell them, but I'm afraid that I will say the wrong thing and make things worse. It hurts me back when I feel helpless in doing nothing in sharing with them about the good news.

God, I love you, but I can't prove it/bring it to action, am I a failure? Lord, my life is a failure to most, which brings no glory to your name. How I can make myself successful (means happy and enjoying You and knowing my purpose) and show others that Christianity works?

I don't know how to live my life, I just feel that I cannot go on. Some things need to be resolved in me, but how? and who can help me to identify and overcome them?

Home

Finally I'm back in Kuala Lumpur, my home. Nothing is better than home, so comfortable, so hassle-free, pretty much. Still, I am having my European dream. During the day everything is ok, but when I try to close my eyes and sleep, things floating in my mind. What about God's will? What about my family and friends? What about my degree? What about my phone and internet accounts in Singapore? What about... too many what ifs and what abouts... worries. Is my faith too small to trust that God cares and doing something in my life? Yet I can't figure out what is the next step, and I don't have the energy to do so. Rest... and rest... until I find out the answer.

Tour Route

Possible route plan：

Frankfurt - Cologne - Utrecht - Amsterdam - Hannover - Bremen - Hamburg -Berlin - Leipzig - Dresden - Prague - Vienna - Salzburg - Garmisch - Lindau - Freiburg - Heidelburg - Rudesheim - Frankfurt

in 21 days (Eurail)!

Possible?

"Intoxicated" by Europe

My heart is confused again, burning with flames going to Europe. This is a dream I have since I learnt about fairytales and the world map. Flight to Frankfurt less than SGD1000, September best time to travel, no job, has some savings just enough for a month, friends there, less than 25 years old. If not now, when is the best time to travel? I feel so complex, how about my cafe business? How about my family? How about God? Will they bless me? What about my back, will my backache suddenly vanish and supports 20kg for 30 days? How about my sleep? Will I able to sleep well whenever I go? How? How? How? Why am I always putting myself in this position? Is this godly? How to be godly in this situation? How to listen? How do I know where God is leading me? Ah... too hard lah...

Justify Full

Feeling complex right now. Tomorrow is my last day of work. I don't know how to conclude. I even doubt whether I have made the right decision. When I look at myself in a third person position, I am shocked that how can a person so contradicting to herself?

There are two worlds, two kinds of people in my life. They are the same in nature, they are humans, normal people, but they have different personalities. I grouped them into two because I can relate well to one group, but cannot relate to the other group at all. I do not know whether I tried to pretend or tried to be someone else to please everyone, until I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like a solar energy activated device, like a calculator, only works under light, but useless in darkness. Or a laptop without battery, completely rely on the power input from the wire cable. I feel 'normal' when I am being with Godly, Christian friends, yet when I am within the world, I lost my light and saltiness, I feel dead. Why is it? I tried to remember the bible and God's goodness but my memory is just so bad. I can only remember things which are related to things happening at the moment or things completely unrelated at all, but cannot remember the things which really matters.

How do I conclude my current job? On one hand I feel that I had done my best, and I solved a lot of problems and made things straight, I helped whenever I can, tried to be a good worker in God's and people's sight, and I had contributed some useful ideas and input to the department. Yet on the other hand, I feel completely useless. After talking to my colleagues, I feel that my presence had brought a lot of trouble to the department, and everyone had tried to help me yet I still could not ''get myself up'' to do the things I suppose to do. The worst thing is my mouth. Even how hard I tried to guard my mouth still I said a lot of things I'm not supposed to said to people I'm not supposed telling to. I don't know when is the right time to speak, when is the right time to remain silent. In fact, I always do the opposite, that's maybe why I got myself into a dilemma. One side of me feels strongly to stay and make a difference in the workplace, prove myself right. The other side of me strongly feel that I am wasting my life, this is not the path I destined to walk, there are something else out there for me to discover and accomplish. I think, other than personality clashes and cultural differences at work, I am torn inside my inmost being as well.

I can repent and sing God's song for a moment. Yet another time complaining about other people and everything. I hate myself for so divided. I can be simple, one heart, purely worshiping God for a moment, and the next moment I feel self pity and ashamed for myself, but thinking others are not much better. How evil I am! Or I can laugh and celebrating my freedom from all these commitments and bondages, but at the same time sad and disappointed with myself for being irresponsible and unable to endure and commit to make a difference? Between myself, people, a dream, and God, whom/which do I really really live for? Sometimes I live for myself, sometimes I live for my family, sometimes I live for someone whom I admire, sometimes I live for my dream, sometimes I live for God. I 'vowed' to God at some points of life that I will believe in Him and love Him with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength. I do, when I remember. But when I forget, I don't know who I lived for. Does it meant that I do not love God enough? Maybe I don't, because I am not capable to, I am an emotionally handicapped person, I have problem loving others. Even I do, I'm unable to love with all my being all the time, but only fragments of time.

My heart can tell me to serve God and love Him and do His Will, but my heart will tell me to follow my dreams, for youth is God-given and short-lived, and I should enjoy the most while I can. My rationale is telling me that I should deny myself, do something meaningful even it will cost my youth and dreams. Will God give me a dream and through this dream I can serve His Kingdom? Or will God give me something seems impossible to do, to test my obedience and devotion to Him, then later on only reveal the fruits? How open should I open myself to God? It will be better for Him to limit down the options so that I can choose carefully and correctly, the road which leads to something which has everlasting value.

How can I love God and try not to talk about Him at the same time? How can I love God and pretend I don't pray before I eat? Why do I pretend as if there is no God in my life? How can I do that? Why do I know I need to submit to authorities but still crossing red lights? At the very moment I was doing it I was thinking over it as well, my will is strong but not strong enough to change my actions. As if my brain, my four limbs, my mouth, my ears, my eyes, all working on their own, like government hospital. I have less and less sense of 'control' in at own body, work, and life itself.

I just want to be simple. Even I pride but hate about myself at the same time. Do I love myself? Which type of love? Narcissism? Or love myself as a temple of Christ?

Lord, I had failed you many many times, too many until I am too ashamed to ask for you acceptance again. Look at the horrible me and the unquenchable longings I have, there is no other place for answer except one thing: "Unconditional Love" which only can be found in Jesus Christ. The Law fails, I hate the laws, everyone is trying to be judges and placing judgement on every single person they met. Even a world can run 'smoothly' under man made laws, it is meaningless. For what? If it is not to protect weak and poor, and bring justice for the victims, to protect people from getting hurt, what is the law for? Law is law. Law is dead. There is nothing wrong to cover our own 'backsides', therefore directly or indirectly is blame is pushed to others, but someone has to bear the blame, and be punished. Love is different. Something Singaporeans has a lot to learn for. Love is patient, love is kind, love is when someone go volunteer himself and take up the blame and punished for other's 'sins'. But the problem is, after the person is free from punishment, he goes on and goes on doing that same thing and making others to absorb his blame. Is it fair? Can love surpasses the law, at the same time justice is being made? Too complicated. If I have to choose one, I choose to hate my rotten, dying flesh, and trust the bible says that one day Jesus will come again, and our bodies will be transformed into glory. Hate myeself - Love God - Wait in Hope like a sweet, quiet, child.

Visions

Again, relieved after rejected being offered second chance to stay and work at my current job. I don't really have anything to let go except the money. haha. My dreams are burning again, it was hard to suppress my passion while I doing something I do not enjoy, and it turned out to be a nightmare. Yesterday I had a good day of rest at home, and re-look at my cafe business plan which I wrote 1 year ago before I start work in Singapore. I drew out the possible image of what my cafe will be look like, and revised my business plan in further detail.

I have 3 passions in life: 1. God and redemption of His people 2. Hospitality 3. Fine arts.

Passion for God has been planted in my heart since I was around 5 years old when I first started going to Sunday school, and passion for the redemption of His people was awakened when I learned more about Him while studying in New Zealand. I was disappointed with the churches I went in Kuala Lumpur, and had hard time looking for the 'right' church to fellowship with. That led me to make the decision of working and staying in another country, Singapore.

Passion for Hospitality sprouted when I was working in New Zealand. I hate hospitality to a certain degree, for some reasons. Yet I see many problems can be fixed and it can be a pleasant career and place for people to enjoy and relate. I love making espresso coffees and various drinks while I worked in a small cafe in Palmerston North. It was my ideal, I loved working there, except they have too little hours for me. It was a small cafe with less than 10 tables, small counter with a 2 ground Espresso machine accompanied by the coffee grinder, with some cakes, slices, muffins, and pastries. The regulars were the sales promoter from the CD shop nearby, a call operater from Telecom, hairdressers, chocolate shop owners, guitar shop owner, some lawyers, and retired old folks. I enjoyed talking with them, serving them while each of them have different preferences, I remembered their names and their favourite coffees. I loved decorating fluffy for kids and see their delighting faces. I simply love to serve and bring joy to people.

Passion for fine arts started naturally, I discovered it when I started to learn how to hold a pencil and drawing shapes and putting colours. Mum knew it and searched for a few arts teacher for me to learn from and I ended up attending art class with a famous local artist in Kuching for a few years. As I can remember I had 3 arts teacher in Kuching. My paintings were exhibited at Waterfront, a famous landmark in Kuching, was proud when my parents saw it there, unforgetable. Then I joined Arts Society for 5 years in high school, done a lot of things there, memorable experiences.

I'm an idealist, I tend to get everything at once and don't want to compromise one or another. After quitting my job, this thought came into my head: start a IEC church in KL, open my cafe, and hang/sell my paintings in the cafe, and the church is partially funded by the cafe. Hahaha.... seems too idealistic isn't it, I am greedy. Advantages of IEC: Well grounded in the Truth and Grace of God, Indonesian speaking = similar to Malay (opportunity to approach malays without being too obvious), Chinese speaking = my mother tongue, and most of my friends speak mandarin, unity and understanding between Indonesians and Malaysians, and a support for Indonesian and other overseas students in KL.

In conclusion, I can fulfill my 3 passions at the same time: have a church family in KL (can bring my family there), opportunity to reach out to unbelieving friends, a 'tentmaking' source which I can enjoy (cafe), and place to express my passion for arts, don't mention I can reach out to my regular customers too, and give Malaysians a chance to taste real Espresso coffee!

Wa... am drooling already, daydreaming huh... well it seems workable. I will keep it low key cos some people might think that i'm daydreaming again. But this is my life passion, I wish it can happen, if it's God's will. Anyway, I have my first confirmation today that IEC is going to KL(at the right timing)! the rest, see how things go first... maybe before I start the business I will work somewhere else to save up more, and maybe I will come back to Singapore again for a while... who knows... lets commit all my dreams into His hands and let Him work through it. :)

Just want to be in You

Lord, why the burden of life seems so heavy? I am exhausted, cannot breath. No more strength to face tomorrow, how am I going to finish my last month at work? Why my tears always could not wait to gush out from the corner of my eyes? Why can't I reason anymore? Why can't I even handle small things? I am so ashamed of myself, whom the one said no fear in life, yet have so much fear. I lost my sleep in vivid dreams, I am sleepy throughout the day, I have no appetite to eat. When the wheel of life seemingly going up again, it became worse than it's original state. Are you challenging me? Who are you? The Lord or Satan? Let me go, let go this fragile, helpless soul , leave me alone for a while so that I can regain my strength to fight again.For there is still this little voice of hope telling me that, 'I'm not defeated yet, let's wait and see!'

Father, I won't ask you to prove your love to me, for the cross has explained it all. I won't ask you to heal me, for you know what you are doing and there is a purpose behind it. I won't ask you to fulfill my desires, dreams and earthly longings, for I am certain that you have something far greater. But Lord, please don't hand me over to Satan, don't let be me too weak to sin. Just give me this last little strength to live a holy and blameless remaining life, and always be in You.

Decision Made

Finally, I resigned. Feel relieved. Should have done this long time ago. Yet I feel sad, for the fact that I'm leaving Singapore, leaving IEC, leaving God's grace (in Singapore). Thank God for all my friends here, Hilda, Nigel, Cedric, Lilis, Ita, Daniel, Jane, Wenting, Shee How, Pa Yahya, Bu Jung Jung, Maria, Siu Sien, Lily, Evelyn, Cecel... many many more... Lord you are so gracious towards me, for putting these people in my life. Maybe I will stay here, maybe I will move on. Yet no matter what, you are sovereign over my life, you are looking after me. My faith and hope is in you, I trust in your sovereign love. Thank you for Jesus, thank you for the cross which set me free. No guilt in life, no fear in death, here for the power of Christ I stand. Amen.

Once Again

Heroes of faith and The Great Hero

I knew God was speaking to me at church today. Thanks Pa Yahya. I will again strengthen my weak knees and lift up my drooping hands, and continue to walk on according to His strength in this road of life filled with trials and tribulations.

My emotions still relatively unstable, but feeling a lot better than past few weeks. Just finished Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallows last night. I reckon it was a great piece of literature. Reading it in light of the gospel, it moved me and lifted my hopes up in real life. Life itself is an adventure. As I admire the adventures, tears and joys in the story, I realised that it can happen and is happening in my own life too. Miracles are not a myth, the possibility of victory over death exists in the revelation of Christ's power on the Cross. Life is not meaningless, purposeless, there is something to it, something for us to fight for, to win for. Harry Potter did not know what he was suppose to do, he even doubted Dumbledore. Yet he chose to obey his instructions and kept his promise. It costed blood and lives, but it was rewarding in the end for a great cause. That's what's it's all about, to fulfil the God-given destiny, fight and stand in faith until the return of my dearest King. Harry is a fictional figure, but Jesus Christ is real, he chosed to lay down His own life, nobody force or kill him. He has the courage to walk towards death even He knows how much it will cost Him. He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed... I'm like a dumb sheep gone astray, did not trust him and a mockery to his name. Yet he is patient towards me, for he knows what I am. He cares, he knows my every thoughts, he knows my every sin, he knows my end, and He has saved me before I know it. He is my true saviour. He is my real hero.

This book reminded me a lot of things, especially the spiritual battle fought as a community of Christians, not as individuals. Our predecessors had fought the good fight, we are fighting now, and we ought to pass down the legacy to the next generation, until the victory is won. It reminds me of Hebrews 12, we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses (I always thought who these witnesses are, now I think it refers to the previous chapters, to great warriors of faith like Abraham, Moses, David, Samuel, Peter, Paul... and it goes on, to St. Augustine, Hudson Taylor, Mother Teresa, Wang Mingdao, Jim and Elisabeth Elliot, William Wilberforce, Jonathan Edwards, Martin Luther... many many more unknown names, and the battle goes on... ), and please, lay down every heavy weight and sin that clings so closely, let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, look up to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Never give up.

Amen.

Stuck

I don't know what is it that bothering me, but the weight of the pain actually turned my face away from God. I'm tired for asking for His grace upon me, I'm too tired to ask. Life's greatest despair is to lose one's hope. One might think that it's only a job, why so upset about it? I don't think it's about work only, why am I bearing the debts of my family, because of that moment of pleasure to study overseas? All my hardwork in earning a degree just to be enslaved for more money? I want freedom, freedom to choose, freedom to go, not to tied up here like a prisoner. There will be no ending of earning money, the gaps will never be filled. How do I run, if my legs are being tied up to a big heavy rock? Above all, I'm disappointed with my family, all they want is to me to earn more and pay off their debts, don't care what I suffer at the moment, even I asked them a few times to go back. For God, if He is there watching me, why is He letting me to face all these alone and not doing anything? For the world, there is no mercy, only self profit and self edifying, and I will not ask for its mercy. Where should I turn to? I have no where to go.

Numb

Numb lyrics
Songwriters: Bennington, Chester; Shinoda, Mike; Bourdon, Rob; Delson, Brad; Farrell, Darren; Hahn, Joseph;

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

This is the best words for how I feel for my boss, and maybe God right now. It's more than numb now but it soon will be. Don't know since when I start crying everytime I talk to her. Now I just cry for no reason, even when I see or think of her, I become depressed and helpless. It's like the dog in the psychology experiment whereby the bell was rang everytime the dog was fed, and then the dog naturally produces saliva when the bell rang even when the food was not there. I am not a dog, the point is, because most of the time I get accused and blamed for making mistakes when she talks to me, I will automatically set up my defensive mechanisms. I don't know who is overreacting here, me or her, but I just feel overwhelmed by the weight of blame in the office.

I work very hard, so hard until I compromised my time for church, family, friends and even quiet time. I OT everyday for almost 3-4 hours a day. Not appreciated but was recognised as rubbish and idiotic executive who does not performs and think through things.

I have a feeling i'm getting a rating '4' for the next appraisal, if not in psychiatric ward. If only I have a choice... just because I am not a citizen of a developed a rich country with huge debts from home because so much spent on my degree in new zealand. I won't say what is fair or unfair, because basically the world is never fair, and basically we deserve it, because unfortunately our great-great-great-greatest grandpa and grandma Adam and Eve had betrayed God. So unfortunately we cannot but sin, and unfortunately we need to live with it and accept life as it is. I wished I am always stupid or always smart, not smart when I'm suppose to be stupid and stupid when I'm suppose to be smart.

I can't see the way out, truly. Neither in future work, nor in better life. It is God's will for me to be tortured, if it is for His glory.

My Help Comes from the LORD

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your helper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.