I love Te Anau and Fiordland (again!)

Sad I'm leaving here tomorrow. It has been like a dream for my life in here. There were extremely beautiful and excited stuff, there were sad and bad things happened for me at here too. It makes this place more unforgettable for me. There are miracles everyday, surprises everyday, there is almost not a day without surprise. The mood of the environment changes everyday, I've seen the sunny glorious Te Anau, the beautiful sunset pink sky, the break of the dawn, and the 'yukky' stormy rainy days. They all different and attractive. People here are friendly, I am very touched by a lot of different ways.

More Queenstown to Te Anau's photo

Remarkables

Earnslaw's Steamship

Glenorchy, Lake Wakatipu

Lake Mavora

Lake Te Anau, Milford Road

Helicopter flight to Queenstown

I am so blessed for being able to fly on two separate helicopter flights: first to Queenstown, second to Fiordland National Park. These are the photos from Queenstown heliflight. Thanks to Bruce the pilot and my host who is so kind to me.

I love Te Anau and Manapouri

It was so yummy that I had 2 pieces before I took photo!

I am truly blessed by God for my stay in Te Anau. I love here so much and the people here. My workmate Michael is a local who also works at another Pizza place. I told him I don’t have the chance to dine in there because I have to work every night. That night he due to a mistake for the pizza orders, he sent an extra pizza to my house. It was the nicest pizza I’d ever had, seriously not because of him but the pizza was really nice!

Today I had lunch at Café 23 at Manapouri with Beverly and Margi, two lovely senior ladies from church. They are so wonderful even though I did not talk much but I enjoyed listen to everything they talked about. I really admire them and I think they are very attractive even in their old age. Their passion, love, knowledge, wisdom, grace, peace, joy, and hope in God are the qualities that I desire in myself. And they are art lovers and God lovers too!

Lake Manapouri looked extra gorgeous today with the clear sky. It’s ashamed that I forgot to put the memory card back into my camera so I could not take photos. Oh and the rainbow too, I saw rainbow everytime I’m at Manapouri. It is a little thing between me and God, that everytime I saw a rainbow, I knew God is reminding me that He loves me, and He promises me that He will never ever disappoints me.

At night at work I chatted with my workmates from Germany, Japan, and Scotland. I learned so much from them as well as customers from everywhere. I have a passion for Europe and I hope that I can experience Europe as much as New Zealand. I love arts and crafts, humanities, architecture, food and wine, history etc. I dreamt of living in a small village in France, or working in a café in Malta or Madrid, visiting the castles in Germany, old churches everywhere etc. But it is ok, it’s ok if I don’t have the opportunity to go there now or ever, I believe that God has something way better for me, it is just a matter of time. I would not desperate and obsess about it. Malaysia can be just as good. I trust him, and wait patiently for him to reveal his plans in my life.

More Lake Manapouri Photos

Sunset at Lake Manapouri. One of the most beautiful sunset I experienced.

Doubtful Sound

Only 2 more weeks and I will be leaving New Zealand. My feelings are a mixture, hard to describe, I feel happy and look forward to going home, at the same time feeling sad leaving here after been through so many things. There are very good and very bad things happened to me here, mostly good things.

I had a day off on Wednesday, so I went to Doubtful Sound which is part of Fiordland National Park. It was one of the best experiences I had in here. I was very tired the night before so I did not want to get up that early in that morning, and was struggling to decide if I want to Doubtful Sound on that day. Nevertheless, I got up and decided to go since I do not have much time left in Te Anau. I walked to the Real Journeys Visitor Centre at about 8am, was hoping to catch the 8:30am tour. The weather was not good that morning, cloudy and almost rain. When I was about to book my tour, the staff told me that the 8:30am tour was fully booked, so suggested me to join the 11:30am group. But I did not feel like walk home and walk there again, so I asked if there is an earlier tour or is it possible to squeeze me in the 8:30 tour. In the end she squeezed me into the 10:30am tour. I paid and looked for something to do between that time.

I decided to see Ata Whenua, a short movie clip produced by local cinematographers and helicopter pilots to show the beauty of Fiordland. Fiordland cinema is opened to show this movie clip. I love Fiordland Cinema. The entrance of the cinema is Black Dog Bar, it is very cool and the prices of drinks are relatively cheap but high quality. I can order a wide range of wine or coffees and they will bring it to my sofa seats in the cinema. I was the first one in fact the only one who watched the 9am show, and the guy offered me half price (only $5!) for early bird. For the first time I was the only audience in the cinema.

After that I went and waited to board the coach to Lake Manapouri for the tour. I kept praying and praying but the weather seems getting worse and worse. It was cold and raining heavily while I board the coach and the first boat across Lake Manapouri. However I saw a big rainbow before I board the boat. Somehow I knew it was a promise from God that everything will be fine, if I trust Him I will never be disappointed.

Lake Manapouri in the morning

After crossed the Lake Manapouri, we went to visit the Manapouri Underground Power Station. The coach drove into a 2 km deep underground tunnel and we visit the hydroelectric power station. It was very interesting to learn how they built the power station and how does electricity generated by drawing water from the lake into 7 penstocks and 7 turbines. It cost a lot of money and claimed 16 men’s lives as a result to build that power station and Wilmot Pass.

Manapouri Undergound Power Station

Wilmot Pass is the gravel road connecting Lake Manapouri and Doubtful Sound. It is beautiful and tranquil. By the time we get out from the tunnel, we saw blue sky and clouds was clearing. The weather turned out so good by the time we reached Doubtful Sound, it was so beautiful and I thank God for answering my prayers.

Wilmot Pass

We board the second boat Patea Explorer, and cruise the Fiords (mistakenly known as Sound) for 3 hours. Then I was being greedy, I asked God if I could see the dolphins if He allows. I kept reminding myself that, “expect nothing, but receive everything as a gift”, so I won’t be disappointed but grateful. The mountains are stunning, they are carved out by the glaciers thousands years ago. Couldn’t resist myself to take photos as it was magically beautiful. I saw some seals when the boat reach the Tasman Sea, but was a little bit disappointed for not seeing the dolphins.

The boat sailed to a few different arms. When we reached Crooked arm, know what, the dolphins were awaiting for us! There were a pod of 10-20 dolphins playing together, our boat turned off the engine, and manoeuvred in the arm. The dolphins were so friendly, they came and leaping and playing right in front of us, with the stunning mountains as a background, I was so happy and touched that my tears almost fall down. Don’t know why my camera ran out of battery at that time, so I couldn’t take photos of any of it. I guess God was telling me that, enjoy it, just for you, don’t busy taking pictures.

The Waterfalls, vegetations, birdsongs, the evening sunset, everything makes the trip so perfect. I believed God loved me so much to let me enjoy everything He has created. I can’t resist myself but to praise and worship His awesome glory of creation.

If only

If only you would never say what you said
If only you would never give up
If only you would submit everything to God and pray to Him
If only you would wait
If only you would cool down and listen to your heart
If only you would know what you have missed out
If only you would know what can make you happy
If only you would do as what you said
If only you know who loved you the most
If only you would come back
If only you would try your best
If only I have your heart
If only there is a second chance
If only…

There is no if only
Only it is happened
Only a fact
Only a past
Only a once upon a time
Only me and myself, and God, and my life
Only option is to move on, choose to be happy, choose to let go

I believe I have a better future
I believe my life is worth living
I believe singleness is a gift from God
I believe He loves me
I believe He died on the cross
His blood has washed away my sin
I believe He accepted me as His own
By His grace and mercy
I believe He is coming
Revealing Himself as the King of Glory
I believe I will never be disappointed
I will be forever happy
Eternally…

Had a busy weekend, but everything was worth it. Firstly, it was my birthday on 21st, last Thursday. I decided, and I did climbed up to Mt Luxmore which is across the lake Te Anau. I took a water taxi across the lake, walked up for almost 3 hours, and walked all the way back to town. The whole trip was about 8-9 hours. My legs and muscles were so sore, but it was all worth it because the scenery on the mountain was so beautiful, and I felt so good for did it all by myself. There was only one thought in my mind: keep going, for He cares for you, think of the scenery up there.

The next day I went to Dunedin, Wellington, and Palmerston North. Met up with a friend in Dunedin, enjoyed it and appreciated the friendship, and had a great time in Palmerston North. The reason I went up was because of the wedding. The best wedding I’ve ever attend, for the love of Christ, love of people, love between two people was so evident. No matter I am going to be single or not in this life, there will be a wedding awaits for me.

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
My soul shall exult in my God,
For he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
He has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
And as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
So the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to sprout up before all nations.

Isaiah 61:10-11


I was and still am physically tired. But there is a gentle force that is working within me, I realised I am changing. The bitterness in me has slowly vanishing, the seed of joy is growing. Things can’t be changed in one or two days, but God’s power in working in me. I still miss him, still look back occasionally, but I choose to enjoy and appreciate life at the moment, for it is redeemed by the precious blood of Jesus Christ.

A quote from Wen Li:

The one who makes you cry do not deserve your tears, the one who deserves your tears won’t make you cry.

Thoughts from myself:

No one likes to be with a person who is always mourn and bitter. Therefore I ought to be happy and joyful, for there is no reason I can’t be happy. For I have God, I have life, and life to the full (John 10:10).

Time will past, things will change, pain will be healed, joy will come.

Thoughts of life

Gutted the previous post that I typed out was all gone and it saved automatically after I accidentally erased the whole lot. Thought it was a good one… Oh well…

Just said that I gained a lot of insights from my experience here in Te Anau. Firstly is the importance of companion, no matter it is a partner, a family member, a workmate, or a friend. It is impossible to live by myself, without involving anyone in my life, it is impossible. I simply could not enjoy life by not sharing with another person. Thank God I have a few good workmates, my host family, a church lady who is so kind, warm and friendly, and nice church people. What more should I ask for? I have a reasonably good job and pay, nice place to stay, stunning views of mountains, sky, and lake everyday. A simple life, which I always been looking for, actually, this is the life that I have been looking for, although it would be more perfect if someone could experience it with me, but I should be content with what I have and what I am experiencing at the moment. For a temporal life in this broken world, this is the best way I could live, maybe. I am free from pleasing people, free from live up to people’s expectations, free from commitments apart from work, free from hurting other people, free from worries about money, free to be me. It could be lonely at times, but it is simple life, simple as it is, having time and heart for God alone.

I realised that, trying to live a life without God is in vain. No matter how much money you have, how much time or possibility you have to satisfy your cravings and desires, you will never satisfy the vacuum in your heart that is meant to be filled by God. You will never find fulfilment in this fallen world, even you have greatest dreams and ambitions, without God in the picture. When you reach there, you will say, is this all it is? This is not enough, I want more. You will crave for more, and you will never be content. Until one day you realised what you trying to do is all in vain, for everything will pass away, then you will turn back to God, and realised how much you have wasted your life, how many people who loved you you have hurted, how much things you could have done but never do. You would wish if only you could turn back time and start it all over again, but it’s too late. The only hope you can find is Jesus, through His blood you could have the second chance, to live life to the full.

Joy

Worked today, was very busy. Broke a full bottle of red wine and spilled them all over myself in front of everyone. Legs were sore, feet was sore, full of blisters and corn. Physically tired. Even though, I have a strange feeling of happiness, I could not feel sad or distressed at all even I thought I would. It is strange, and somehow I know it's from God. I was thinking back of what had been happening, I do not feel sad anymore, even I think about it, I can smile. I knew I did everything that I could and I should, I have a clear conscience. I knew it was God, it was the Holy Spirit, who comforts me and heals me. It is Jesus Christ, who has forgiven my sins and set me free. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, I have a reason to live, and an eternal hope to look forward to. He is my closest friend. I lost a loved one, but I am much more closer to God, someone who deserves all my love and devotion. Thank you Lord, for being so wonderful to me.

I'm so looking forward to go home, to continue a my life over there. I am going to see a good friend in Gold Coast, and then go back to Kuching, my hometown, which I never been back since 2004. Going back to Palmy end of the month for a wedding. Wow so many things to look forward to, I am so excited. Can't imagine I'm going to have rojak, kolo mee, wantan mee, bak kut teh, roti canai, nasi lemak, curry chicken... etc everyday!

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever.

I have received great love and comfort from God. He is always faithful and his healing power and comfort is real as I read and meditate upon His Word. He sets me free, so I'm not in bondage of the past. He heals my wound, so I am able to freely receive and give love again. He gives me rest and peace, so my strength is renewed day after day. Great is thy faithfulness.

Happy Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year to all who celebrates it. Share the love and joy to the people who might need it in your community. Treasure the time you spend with family and/or friends.

Ecclesiastes 3:12-13
Be joyful and do good as long as you live, also everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil - this is God's gift to man.

Moving on

I knew it’s not coming back anymore, and I fully understand that we can never be together. When I was involved in that relationship, I could not devote my heart to God but swayed away from Him no matter how much I consciously forcing myself to be depending on God, not him. But now I rejoice, although through painful discipline, God lovingly drew me back to Himself, He is the one who truly loves and accepted and understood me. The One who is faithful and His love will never change. This verse kept coming up to me:

Philipians 3:13-14 forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize pf the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I need to let go, and move on. Being obedient to His calling and continue to love him and his people.

I give thanks for:

- friendly, caring workmates.
- Bruce and his two daughters who are so welcoming and friendly for me to stay in their house.
- Beverly, a church lady who so faithful and caring and welcoming to me all the time.
- Te Anau Baptist Church: Bible saturated, God-centred, and Christ exalted. Good fellowship.
- Te Anau- beautiful surroundings and landscape. Nice weather.
- All my friends in Palmerston North especially OCF who faithfully supported me during times of crisis.
- My beloved family, who always so supportive and faithful.
- Ability to work and support myself.
- Boss who listens and a job which pays well and enjoyable.

Pray for:

- Healing and comfort of pain, renewation of the Spirit, and readiness to move on.
- Maintain friendship with Scott and his family.
- Being a good witness and sharing the gospel to the community which is so deprived of you.
- Openness of the heart of the people who did not know you.
- Growth and maturity in knowledge of God.
- Able to receive God’s love, grace, and mercy, and able to extend them to the world of spiritual poverty.
- Find my confidence and identity in Christ.
- Put my faith, hope, and love in God, submission to God alone, above all, and be independent.
- Love God with all my heart, mind, strength, and might.
- Joy in the heart, positive outlook in life of serving God, peace and rest.
- Humility and obedience to God’s Word.

Rejuvenating

There is always a way out to all difficult situations. I met a guy from Norway today, realised that my passion is always there for Europe and Norway. I am kind of ready to move on, ready to let go whatever is behind and holding me back. I want to be free again, pursuing my dreams and ambitions. I want to be myself, to show the qualities and gifts that God has put in me. I want to fully enjoy and appreciate my youth and singleness, devoting my heart fully to God and serve other people. Maybe I will, maybe never, will find anyone who will really appreciates me for who i really am. Process of changing and renewing is painful, it takes time to heal, but I believe by the divine healing power of the grace of Christ I will stand up again.

Heartbreak

Is there still love in this world? Even there is, it doesn't belong to me. Again, my heart is broken into pieces. I don't know is there anymore hurtful thing than saying "I never loved you" by someone you thought who loved you. My mind is trying to rationalise everything but the wound is still there, laying open and bleeding. I have never felt being so forsaken in my life. I only have God now and I believe that He will never want to break my heart. Why is it so hard to rejoice? It is a command but why can I never do it and let down people around me? I feel like a parasite that sucks everyone's joy and peace and maybe I should disappear forever. Why is it so hard to be a Christian? If God is so powerful why he has to make it so hard? The reality of adult life is more cruel than I can ever thought. I thought there must be someone there comfort me when I am sad, tolerate my bad tempers, always love and accept me no matter what I've done, like my parents do. In fact no one will love me more than my parents do, apart from God. I am tricking myself, fooling myself that there must be someone out there will able to truly love me. I sound like a loser now, I thought when someone says this they sounded stupid for me why would they be sad and now I'm feeling this way, like everyone else. I am no different than an average person, my heart still breaks, my strength still fails.

Just a little change

Life isn't as miserable as I thought. As persisted to give my Sunday mornings to God, God has give me a lot of surprises. He is good indeed, an He will never disappoint me. I knew a few people from church, and they are very friendly. The two brothers reminded me of the twin brothers of Ron Weasley in Harry Potter, because they are always funny and full of tricks. As I thought I don't have any friends here and no one would go to explore the place with me, they offered to take me and other 2 Brazilian sisters to Mt Luxmore at the Sunday after next week! Oh how good if everything works out. This is what I've always been wanted. God is good, and he has the best plans. He does cares for every individual, as today's service is about creation and how God creates and take cares for the creation, it is so wonderful.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well. Ps 139:14

If God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Matt 6:30

Look at the place around me, if the earth is so stunningly beautiful, how much more wonderful and glorious Heaven will be?

Breakdown

Why things always turned up this way? Why there is always fault in everything? Why plans never work out? Came to Te Anau, I have a lot of struggles. Trying to look at the positive sides, but it's too hard. I learnt a lot of new things, and earned more money than before. For the first time i can afford a full airticket to go home and even australia on the way. However there's a price to pay. Thought I could spend more time with Scott if I come here, thought I could see him more often. But it turns out the other way round. The first few weeks were sweet, things were fine and he was here helping me to settle down. However everything changes when he starts milking. He starts at 5.30am every morning till about 9am and milk again at 2pm till 6pm. I start at 8am almost everyday, have a wee break in the afternoon, and finish at about 10pm. I only have a day off in a week, and Scott works everyday, that means we can hardly see each other again, or even talk on the phone, even time we could text is limited. Last night I came home early at 9pm, happily thought that we could talk on the phone, but he was at his ex-girlfriend's house watching movie! Imagine how disappointed I was. Tonight I thought we could talk, I tried to finish as soon as I can but it was so busy that I worked ten hours today and only get to finish at about 10:30pm and realised he had gone to sleep 10 minutes ago. I got an emotional breakdown, why could this happen?

Basically I don't have a life, I worked 6 days a week the only day off I couldn't do anything except staying at home catch up with my dishes and washings. I don't have friends outside work, don't have anyone to hang out or watch movie with. Wanted to explore the environment and go for a tramp even a short walk but I don't have that extra energy. I can't go to see Scott because the bus goes there in the morning and comes back in the afternoon. Went to his house last week but he was busy with his assignments and milking. I know my life shouldn't evolve around him, I tried to go near God, I tried spend time with God everyday, I read the bible, I read Christian books, I listen to sermons... But I still feel very lonely, I couldn't help it. Last thing I could do is trying to get to go to church every Sunday morning even I am always being rostered on Sunday mornings... This is the only thing I could not compromise.

The only thing I could look forward is going to Aussie and then home at the end of March. I don't know how long will my relationship with Scott last? It is a tough time and test for us. I don't know... I'm tired.

New Update

Sorry I have not been updating this blog since ages ago. My life is still under constant change, facing a lot of new challenges and possibilities. I came to work in Te Anau, a small town situated in Fiordland, close to the world famous Milford Sound and Queenstown. I enjoy this town, although it was a bit too much for me to work during the first two weeks (I worked more than 50 hours a week because of Christmas and New Year). Now it’s getting better, I start enjoying my work.

It is humbling sometimes for me to work as a waitress and bar person when I hold a university degree. But I never stop reminding myself, I come here for ‘holiday’, for a rest at heart, to stop stressing out too much about the future and the present. I do not know if I have achieved my purpose, but Te Anau is a good location, away from big cities and everything that I familiar with. I love the lake and the mountains, the sky is always beautiful, and people are nice. I met people at work from Czech Republic, Germany, Scotland, Australia, and of course Kiwis. Some of us even went to countdown and dance at the Lions Park and watched beautiful fireworks together. It was a good time, sadly three people had left work this week for further travelling.

I had my first pure Kiwi Christmas at a farm near Riverton and Invercargill, with my boyfriend Scott’s family and extended family. It was a wonderful experience, their warmth and friendliness made me feel at home. However, it would be better if they know the real meaning of Christmas, and give the glory to God.

Scott and I spent some quality time together, we explored Te Anau by visiting the wildlife centre, a small (not worth it) trout observatory, fun mini golf, scenic drive on Milford road to Eglinton valley, and sitting by the lake. We went to Queenstown last Friday on my first day off since work (apart from Christmas day), went to adventurous Skippers Canyon, witnessing the place where Arwen ride the horse across the river in Lord of The Rings, Arrowtown, Crown Range lookout and shopping (of course)! Had a most beautiful Thai food I had in New Zealand (maybe because I have been deprived for Asian food too long here), we had Singha Thai beer (reminds me of my dad), Thai coconut, tom yum, and red curried scallops (they were as big as my palms)! Queenstown is magical, always make you feel like on holiday, and surrounded by foreign people and foreign languages. I feel so blessed by staying so near to it.

Southland farmview towards Stewart Island

Te Anau sky

Skippers Canyon

So much to share since I haven’t been updating my blog, will stop here and share more about my work next time.

So you think you are clean?

I felt very dirty after doing the cleaning job yesterday. The whole night I can't stop thinking that my pair of hands, which make great coffees, play piano, draw paintings, and wash toilets? wipe dirty window seals? It was disturbing for me, don't know why, I could not get over it. How would my arrogant fussy coffee drinker customers think if they know I am a cleaner as well?

Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of a bible passage about Jesus did not wash (his hands I suppose?) before eat dinner with the Pharisees:

Luke 11:37-46

While Jesus was speaking, a Pharisee asked him to dine with him, so he went in and reclined at the table. The Pharisee was astonished to see that he did not first wash before dinner. And the Lord said to him, "Now you Pharisees cleanse the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also? But give as alms those things that are within, and behold, everything is clean for you."

"But woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and every herb, and neglect justice an the love of God. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. Woe to you Pharisees! For you love the best seat in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces. Woe to you! For you are like unmarked graves, and people walk over them without knowing it."
One of the lawyers answered him, "Teacher, in saying these things you insult us also." And he said, "Woe to you lawyers also! For you load people with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers.

And the passage goes on...

I was touched when I see how Jesus reacted (not because he did not wash his hands of course, I always wash my hands). Jesus did not look at the outside, it meant nothing for him whether I am physically clean or not, he looks into my heart. Jesus was rebuking the Pharisees of their filthiness in their hearts, which full of greed and wickedness. Jesus said "You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also?", I guess he was saying that physically cleaniness of the outside does not make the inside clean. Conversely, the filthiness inside a person's hearts will make the whole person unclean as well. I just like the tone that Jesus used, he was so strong and not looking after the "face" of the Pharisees and the lawyers at all.

The reason I put the little lawyers paragraph there because some of my customers are lawyers (modern lawyers different than the lawyers in the bible of course). I do not like particularly one of them because he is always rude and arrogant and thinks himself is so superior. Modern lawyers suppose to help people and bring justice, but I just cannot imagine how can he bring justice if he himself is so arrogant. I just love the way Jesus insulted the lawyers in this passage.

Jesus also said, "But give as alms those things that are within, and behold, everything is clean for you." He meant giving away the food within the cup and dish to the poor. A person is cleansed by his good action, which comes from a clean heart.

Therefore I rejoiced, my actions came from a good conscience. I earn my living with my pair of hands so I do not have to depend on anyone. I clean the places so that people would have a clean environment to live in. There is no reason for me to feel sad or lowly, because God is with me. "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?... Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" Hebrews 13:5-8.

Humbling work experience

Today is another humbling experience for me. I was called in to work in the afternoon by my cleaning company boss. I did not know where I was suppose to go to work, but just follow my boss. Then I reached a large fruits and vegetables distribution centre just out of town. The place was absolutely filthy, even my previous house in Malaysia was quite dirty but nothing like that. Boss was helping me cleaning even he was wearing his suit and patiently told me what to do, I really respect him and the way his treat his business. But the place was dirty! Window seals were covered with thick layer of dust and floors are black. Just to mop the floors I had to change the water for 3 times! I had to clean the toilets, mop floors and stairs, vacuum, wipe all the tables and window seals/frames... I was a bit traumatised, by the workload and the filthiness. It is a lesson for me, it humbles me. Other than tired I was surprised I did not feel depressed at all, there is still joy in my heart because what God had taught me last night. :)

Encouragement from God

I challenged myself again with a cup of cappuccino with lunch yesterday at work, therefore I could not sleep until early in the morning. I was wide awake but surprisingly not tired (because I took my newly bought ginkgo pills, multivitamin, and omega 3 fish oil at the same time before sleep). I did not know what to do after tried to sleep for a few times, so I read the bible especially the passage that keep popping up: on Sunday church sermon, monday quiet time and tuesday email sent by a friend.

Phillipians chapter 3:7-4:14

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like hiim in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Straining Toward the Goal

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one things I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I meditated on the passage again and again, then I prayed. Firstly, forgetting what lies behind: past failures, traumatic experiences, hurts, rejections, disappointments, guilt... I forgave all the people or ''things''(such as unfair society and NZ immigration) whom hurted me and made my life hard. I forgave family and friends whom does not seem to understand and care about me... and so much more. I gave thanks to God, for the good things and bad things that happened to me. Finally I forgave myself, but not being good enough and failed to glorify God. Secondly, I look forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. So what exactly is this "prize"?

Ephesians 1:3-14

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his wil, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

It was not an easy passage to digest on, but I found a few things to be ''bulleted points" on, my understanding of the spiritual blessings here are:

• to be holy and blameless
• adoption as daughter/son through Jesus Christ
• redemption through his blood
• forgiveness of our trespasses
• to know the mystery of his will

• all together is an INHERITANCE
• the Holy Spirit is the guarantee

This passage emphasizes predestined, according to his will, so it is God's will that determines that I will have the inheritance or not, not that I can obtain it by my own will and/or effort. Therefore it further proves that I am blessed, I am loved, and I am special not because what I've done, but because God has chosen me.

Thank God for speak to me once again and renewed my mind and attitude. He is indeed faithful and abound in steadfast love. May all praise and glory be to God forever and ever. Amen.

Update...

It has been 3 months since I graduated from Massey. I am more comfortable and emotionally stable than I was at the last few months. Even though the situation is still the same, I am coping better now with the uncertainty and loneliness that I am experiencing outside uni. Also, I started to accept the fact that everything is changed, and I need to move on, whether I like it or not. I can choose to go on escaping from the reality, or face it, and make a change. I started dreaming, dream about all the possibilities that I have in life ahead. Started to feel excited about the future, turning uncertainties to possibilities. I am working at a cafe, perfecting my coffee making skills and keep challenging myself to a higher level of professionalism.

Most of the time I stay in my flat, last week I tried to spend some time outside my flat other than working and church time, therefore I went to the city library. Although it was good weather but my day was ruined after got frightened by a stranger followed me for a long distance. So now I just stay at flat, in my room most of the time.

Many thoughts go through my head. The passion in my heart starts burning again, I applied for a few job positions, and can't stop thinking about the possibilities if I get any of the jobs. I would like to do anything that is being put in front of me right now, I just don't want to stay at the same place anymore.

But I still dreaming about going to Europe and South Island again, I like being a tourist. I want to meet more new friends. I want to change my image, buy a few clothes and change a hairstyle, I want to be different. But does that guarantee I will be satisfied? Most likely not. I want something that I don't know about, something that I might had before, or never have before. I know the answer is only found in God, and it is God. Maybe, I will never get satisfied in my whole life until the day I departed from this world and reunite with God again. But at least, I still need friends and families, people who actually love me, care about me, interested in me, and want to spend more time with me. Somehow, even I have friends and families, I still feel lonely, relationship with people is never the same anymore. As a kid I never have this feeling before, I never know it can be so lonely to be an adult. In fact, I never like the idea of being an adult.

Once again I turn to Jesus, my faithful Lord and friend, always there beside me, watching from above, and living within my heart. I will fight, even my faith is little and fragile, I just need to keep holding to His promise.

I tried

I just hope somebody can understand me. I really do want to apply for jobs, but I can’t. My right ear is ringing badly, and am having a persistent headache that never goes away even with Panadol. I sleep and find it hard to wake up in the morning. I tried to do exercise but I don’t have the energy. I couldn’t concentrate or motivate myself to do anything. I am tired and cold all the time. I tried to improve the situation, I do. I prayed so hard that I could be restored again and put full energy into life. In fact, I can’t. I guessed is the high level of stress hormone in my body caused hormone imbalance and bad circulation and even maybe neurodegeneration. I can’t remember most of the things, or just remember fragments, or pieces of memories, not even anything that I learnt from uni. I always left my things somewhere, just left my wallet in Wellington 2 weeks ago. I could not socialise, can’t stand loud music, it makes me headache. Every attempt I had to write a CV I get migraine attack. I don’t have health insurance, I don’t have money. I stayed up late every night because calling home after 12am is cheaper, I tried to call them, but I always gave up in the end. I want to ask for money, to pay off credit card debts and buy insurance so that I can seek medical help, but I can’t ask them, I am too ashamed. I tried, I really tried to build up my life, but I can’t, I really can’t, why don’t you believe me?

Her

I brush her teeth every morning I wake up
I decide what clothes for her to wear before she goes out
I feed her when she is hungry
But who is she?

I could not recognise her
I see her in the mirror everyday
But I do not know what is in her mind

I want to make her happy
I tried everything I can
But that is not something that I am able to do

Somebody else has to do it
maybe she knows that somebody, maybe she doesn't know
I wish that somebody, who loves her
can make her happy

Lost

Once I grasped it
now I lost it
trying to find it again
even realising that am looking for it at the wrong place
even knowing You are the source
but am powerless to pursue it

I beg You, with my last bit of energy
please, draw me close to You
let me know You again
so that I can have it again

My beloved PNOCF

Last week was one of the ocf craziest week. Have you heard about hotpot dinner twice a week in the same flat with the same amount of people (around 40 people, 5 hotpots)? Well, pnocf did it. Wednesday was the farewell dinner for the Germans (aka Micha & Denise). Saturday night was Scott's 21st birthday, with the visit of his whole family all the way from Southland. Sunday was Scott's baptism, with his guests of almost half the number of church attenders on that day. It was exciting, a few fuses blown off at Steve's flat due to overload use of power, the cake mixture that I tried to put into the oven poured over the floor due to my lack of experience in handling a brand new springform cake tin. I was almost running out of voice to sing on Sunday on stage, and was starving all day on Sat sustained by 3 pieces of toast until 1am. However it was all worth it, everything turned out well, it's sad Scott's parents couldn't attend the baptism service due to misread the time of their flights. But everything turned out good. Good for OCF bonding and witness for God.

My part time work life

I really enjoy my time without stress from study. It's time for me to stop and think about life, why God give me life, and what should I do with my life. I thought with my prayers and faith God will immediately provide me a full time job straight after I finished my degree. I thought I don't have to worry about planning about anything, and everything will just happen like that naturally. But His ways are higher than my ways, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I had a job interview in Christchurch but I got rejected. And then I got sick, and don't know what to do about my life. I applied for a part time job in a cafe, and retain my other job as a cleaner in city library. These two jobs are not quite provide enough money for me to support my life, but they are better than nothing. I love arts, I pick up the paintbrush again since I came back from holiday. I am practicing piano as there is a piano in my flat. I realised I still love arts, although I am not very good in any of them, but I just love being arty. I found out all my cafe workmates have passion for arts, including my boss, they all doing some sorts of arty thing like painting and theatre production. I was even invited to put my paintings on the cafe wall and sell them! I was excited, although I don't have really plans or inspiration to paint, but at least that was a huge motivation for me. Also, I learnt how to make real coffee now, my workmate is really nice and she patiently taught me how to make different coffees. I can now make latte, cappucino, flat white, mocha, long black etc. One day I marked up and overpoured the milk in the coffee, I thought the customer would not be very happy about that. However, when she was going to leave, she said thank you to me and praised me for the good coffee that I had made. I did not know how to react except just said thank you and smile to her, but I felt a great joy and satisfaction in my heart that no words can describe at that moment.

Today is my new workmate's birthday. This is the second day I met him and worked with him. We talked a lot after finish work and he shouted me for dinner at a flash Thai restaurant. It was interesting talking to him, he realised I am a committed Christian even from the very beginning of our conversation. He is a buddhist. We talked about religion for a while, he believe in evolution as well as believe in God and Jesus. I told him there is only one truth, if there is only one truth, then the others must be false. But to avoid arguments he talked about something else. Then we talked about our countries, families, politics (as most Chinese people like to discuss), education, work etc. He come from a rich family, his father is a governor in his city. People who work in government sectors in China are not simple, that means they have money and status, and don't have to worry about future. Despite that, he chose to work as a cleaner, not because he needs money as I am, but just because he is bored. He rather spend time on earn money than watch tv or computer. He said he does not want to depend on his family, but by studying property he hope that one day he will be like Donald Trump. It was interesting talking to him, although we have very different worldviews.

People from both part time jobs are very nice, I think God is changing my perception of the world and work through these two jobs, as I had very bad experiences in previous jobs before. Maybe that is why I am afraid of looking for a full time, proper job. I am afraid of being bound, losing my freedom. I am afraid of difficult situations especially moral decisions that have to be made in work. I am afraid of bearing responsibility, and interrupt or add trouble to other people's previous work. I am afraid of failure and criticism. I am even afraid of new work related relationships, afraid being used or betrayed. But I am sure that God is working through these issues with me right now. At the same time giving me a break, He is teaching me some life lessons as well.

Trusting God

To God and people whom may concern about me, I am currently going through a difficult time (I think, but nothing compared to people whom facing extreme persecution for Christ everyday). First thing I came back from South Island, I got rejected from the company that I had a job interview. I used up all my money. Then the car I was using to practice driving broke down again (after I bought a $75 battery). Then my computer hacked by virus, so I formatted it. Since two days ago, I became ill (just influenza, but have been coughing, blocked nose, frequent fever, nausea, and tiredness). I just realised this morning that if I need to apply for graduate work permit and visa (with travelling), I need to pay $330. My credit card account is almost exceed quota, NZ dollar is ridiculously expensive (so my parents wouldn’t transfer money until exchange rate lowered), I only can borrow money from my friend.

Since I came to New Zealand, I have to learn to be independent: financially independent, emotionally independent, most importantly, independent faith. I thought I was independent, but I never realise I am dependent on so much things apart from God: security from finance, faith supported by brothers and sisters in OCF, decision-making dependent on my parents, my health and strength to earn money etc. What is independent? Does God wants us to be independent? Now when all things are stripped away, what can I depend on except the grace and hope that is in Jesus Christ?　

On behalf this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. Though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:5-10

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, from I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:28-30

I want to share a quote from ‘Is God Really in Control: Trusting God in a World of Hurt’ by Jerry Bridges:

In the arena of adversity, the Scriptures teach us three essential truths about God - truths we must believe if we are to trust Him in adversity. They are:

God is completely sovereign.
God is infinite in wisdom.
God is perfect in love.

Someone has expressed these three truths as they relate to us in this way: “God in His love always wills what is best for us. In His wisdom He always knows what is best, and in His sovereignty He has the power to bring it about.”

God has shown grace in my life by…

Created me in His image and breathed life in me.
Found me and called me His own.
Forgiveness of sins through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Love and acceptance even when I am still a sinner.
Give me freedom to choose.
Give me emotions and feelings.
Not sparing me from pain, trials and suffering.
Understanding the pain and suffering of humanity and obedience to God by went through life on earth by himself.
Teach, correct, and discipline me with great patient till I become more like Christ.
Give me faith and makes me stand firm.
Give me the privilege of being His disciple, to serve Him.
Let me to participate in His plan of salvation.
Promises of hope and eternal life.
Gives me place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, and blankets to keep warm.
Enables me to communicate and interact with people.
Complete physical body, thinking mind and health.
Family who loves and cares about me.
Made me come to New Zealand, be educated, and stand on an international platform.
Overseas Christian Fellowship and Tertiary Students Christian Fellowship who looked after me and grown my faith while I am away from home.
Love, forgiveness, acceptance and partnership of sharing the gospel of my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Protected and saved my life in a car accident.
Provided place for me to groom up before my job interview in Christchurch.
Friendly welcome and hospitality of the hosts while we travelled in South Island.
Shown me the glory and beauty of His creation of natural wonders.
His comfort and healing during times of hurts, struggles and distress.
Always there in times of need and help.
Having compassion on me - a hopeless creature, and willing to carry my burdens.
Putting great Christian leaders in my life that I can look up to.
Enables me to sing and dance for my enjoyment for His glory.
Continuing to make me learn and understand more about His grace and glory.

The Gospel is the best movie ever produced

After watching a movie, it makes me think of Christianity is actually like a movie, a best movie ever created by God. A good movie has a theme, and usually has its main characters. The main character of Christianity is God, and the theme is the gospel. To make it a movie, it would begin with God created the world, then the fall, Jesus’s crucifixion and resurrection, his second coming, and a happy ending: eternal life. It has to be the most exciting “movie” ever, more than you can ever imagine. If only we could step back and look at the big picture, adoring what we know, hoping on what we not yet know, it is engaging, and breathtaking. God is the main character, and the director, therefore he gets all the glory. For us, we are like the minor characters and crew members, we gets glory for being participate in producing and involved with the best “movie”. What makes me think that way is because in the end there is usually an endless list of people’s names. It surprises me that how many people were involved behind a one hour movie. But do others interested in knowing people other than the director and main characters? Does it matter? No, we don’t have to be known, because it is enough that the best movie draws everyone’s attention and admiration. A best “movie” ever in history, and we have the privilege to be part of it, isn’t it glorious and satisfying?

Thoughts on suffering

I am not even qualified to say that I am suffering right now. Indeed, my life is probably half of the world population desire for: opportunity to study at university, studying overseas, have enough to eat, drink, wear, stay everyday, have a whole family, being loved and cared by many people etc. However, the topic of suffering caught my attention, for no particular reasons, perhaps because seeing the world suffering in general, and seeing other people questioning God’s sovereignty in suffering.

I read a few books which talk about suffering: ‘Desiring God’ by John Piper, ‘Where is God When It Hurts?’ by Philip Yancey, and ‘Sacred Sorrow’ by Michael Card. I have not finish the books yet, I would say it is not easy to digest and comprehend the contents of the books, but this morning I came up with a few thoughts.

It goes like this:

If we Christians are to be making Christ known, then we ought to live like Christ, and share about Christ, in his fullness. In my journey with searching the meaning and purpose of suffering, this is one of my thoughts:

To magnify Christ’s glory, we must understand the depth of His love, mercy, and grace. To understand how much he love us, His mercy on us, and the grace he has given us, we need to understand what he has done for us (of course we need to know God’s holiness and justice, and other aspects of God). Only in our suffering and pain, we are able to understand what Jesus has done, and how much he has done on the cross. God plans and allows suffering in our lives, so that

1. We will understand the cost Jesus has paid, and how deep is His love. But no matter how much we suffer, there is one thing, as we put our faith in Jesus, we will never suffer: the rejection of God. For Jesus has rejected by His own Father when He was crucified, to take our punishment.

2. We will make Christ known by revealing his suffering and love in our bodies, so that people will turn to God and declare His glory.

Therefore, suffering in Christ has a purpose, but suffering without Christ is in vain. There are still other purposes of suffering, but no matter we understand or not, God is sovereign in all things, that means he has power and control in all things, and all things work for His good purpose, including the suffering of Himself in the form of Jesus, so that His glory will be revealed.

These are just my personal opinion.